by Katherine Barrett Swett

“Insofar as the women, just none of them were as articulate enough
on the intellectual level.”
—Rolling Stone co-founder Jan Wenner, on why he chose only white men
for his book on rock’s ‘masters.’

Chauvinist-Piggledy,
Wenner the arbiter?
He prefers rock stars who
Think like a man.

Women don’t cut it as
Superarticulate.
Superironically
Neither does Jan.

—Cleopatra, Antony and Cleopatra, 1.2.79

by Susan McLean

[T]he internet is… ablaze with references to Rome and the large amount of space that the empire presently
takes up in every dudebro’s head. … Why is there a new cult following of ancient Rome? Why now?”
—MSNBC

Nostalgic for intrepid days
when men were men, and girls stayed home,
admiring Caesar’s ruthless ways,
they close their eyes and think of Rome.

They picture marching with armed men
or racing in the hippodrome
(not toiling with the field slaves) when
they close their eyes and think of Rome.

Their breastplates gleam, their cloaks are red,
their statues white as Styrofoam.
Longing to lead and to be led,
they close their eyes and think of Rome.

Training with swords to fight and die,
or whispering in a catacomb,
daring, resolved, and semper fi—
they close their eyes and think of Rome.

Their wished-for glory is full of holes
as gaping as the Pantheon dome,
but manly yearnings shake their souls.
They close their eyes and think of Rome.

by Clyde Always

“A naked man was detained on Monday after air travelers spotted him proudly sauntering through Dallas-Fort Worth
International Airport. Eye-popping video shows the man—without any baggage in sight or a stitch of clothing…”
—New York Post

Look at my carry-on! Packing’s a snap.
It’s a pleasure to handle and fits on my lap.

by Steven Kent

“Lauren Boebert says she ‘fell short of values’ after Beetlejuice groping video”
—The Guardian

Though the pressure is more than you planned,
She’s been hoping you’ll take a firm stand.
Such a long and hard task,
But there’s help, so just ask—
Lauren Boebert can lend you a hand!

by Julia Griffin

For John Carey

“The moon’s darkest corners are a mystery. This image offers a stunning new glimpse.
NASA’s new ShadowCam is peering into places near the moon’s poles that never see sunlight.
What lurks there—and could it be harnessed to launch the next era of space exploration?
[T]he material … may have been ‘fluffier’ than typical lunar soil … ‘[W]e don’t know
if it’s icy dirt or dirty ice, [a researcher] says.”
—National Geographic

After Donne

Down the round Moon’s opaquest corners, throw
Your optics, NASA, and surprise, surprise!
Old frozen stuff, in oddly fungal guise,
Is imaged and thrust instantly on show.
Long-hidden, icy dirt takes on a glow
(Or dirty ice—a matter of surmise):
Blissful astronomers vent little cries,
Beholding spots where sunlight cannot go.
For me, though, something has been spoiled in space.
So frost which may be fluffy has been found;
For this we’re gawping through that shining face?
We all get cysts and blotches, I’ll be bound:
Viewed with respect, the Moon looks pretty good,
As artist-types have always understood.

by Jesse Anna Bornemann

“Ever wonder what the Sun looked like in its infancy? A new image from NASA’s
James Webb Space Telescope has captured what Earth’s sun looked like when it was
only a few tens of thousands of years old.”
—NPR

A cute, baby Sun—an adorable scene!
But how did our giant star look as a teen?

This question now has me enormously vexed.
At some point I’d love to send NASA a text.

Perhaps they’d reply with a puzzled ellipsis: …
A dark, brooding Sun? Well, that’s what an eclipse is!

by Marshall Begel

“[A] Harvard-trained doctor specializing in cosmetic dentistry [noticed] an unsettling trend
among celebrity smiles: Everybody had the exact same teeth. Unnaturally perfect.”
—The Washington Post

Color me as unsurprised.
Actors’ teeth were analyzed.
Once again, it’s brought to light—
Hollywood is straight and white.

by Steven Kent

“Virginia Democratic candidate denounces report of sex videos”
—The Guardian

Ashamed I’m not—the man’s my spouse!
She’s making pornos in her house,
My sick opponents now report.
(You wanna watch us both cavort?
It’s gonna cost you twenty bucks.)
Some say—wink, wink—our channel sucks,
But win or lose, at least I know
I’ll still have work in video.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Women still do more housework, survey suggests”
—BBC

Most men believe that housework is demeaning,
But when it comes to DIY they’re fab.
Deny him sex until he does some cleaning—
The house’ll be as sterile as a lab.

by Dan Campion

“Google’s Bard Just Got More Powerful. It’s Still Erratic.”
—The New York Times

Google’s Bard, meet Stratford’s Bard,
Whom some have called erratic
(The French. Ben Jonson). Life is hard,
And critics are emphatic.

Get used to being faulted for
Your sins and virtues too.
More power means more guff in store.
I do not envy you.

by Bruce Bennett

“Rupert Murdoch to Retire From Fox and News Corporation Boards
The move leaves his son Lachlan as the sole executive in charge
of the global media empire.”
—The New York Times

Glad to see the old boy go.
Doubt that it’ll matter, though.

Lachlan’s there to carry on.
See to things once Daddy’s gone.

Fox and such will stay the same.
Truth will play a losing game.

Keep that bubbly stowed away.
Rupert’s brand is here to stay.

by Iris Herriot

“In the US, the most popular baby names last year across all demographics
were Liam, Noah and Oliver for boys, and Olivia, Emma and Charlotte for girls. …
[I]t takes a century for a name that’s gone out of style to come back in.”
—The Guardian

Hooray for you, newlyweds, Charlotte and Liam!
Whom nothing’ll part until death’ll:
And then you’ll be wept for by (though you won’t see ’em)
Your grandchildren, Algy and Ethel.

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“Questions over why Boris made Charlotte Owen youngest peer grow after new investigation”
—Independent

Before I was installed as Baroness
Of somewhere you have never heard of, I
Refrained from saying much, as saying less
Ingratiated me with Tory high
Society, where if your head can bob
Sufficiently, your star can quickly rise:
Before you know it, you have bagged a job,
Advising your PM to hide his lies …
Reporters raised a stink when Boris J—
Or he who’s neither daddy nor my beau—
Nommed nine of us for lives of lordly sway.
Eight failed: they smelled too rank. But I had no
Such problem, since my résumé was blank.
So I’m a peer for life—the utmost rank!

by Alex Steelsmith

“Premenopausal women who have surgery to remove the ovaries…
may face chronic medical conditions… ”
—UPI

Harmony, hormoney
taking out ovaries
isn’t advised for most
women; in fact,

those who consider an
ovariectomy
need to be cautious, not
ovariact.

by Julia Griffin

“Cascades of red wine flood a city’s streets in Portugal after huge tanks rupture”
—NPR

In quaint São Lourenço, no angels will tread:
The streets are all streaming with Portugal Red.
You’d think that the heart of the village had bled,
But no! It’s a river of Portugal Red.
The wine, like the story, has steadily spread;
Our reading is dripping with Portugal Red;
Levira’s the wellspring, the grand fountainhead
Of ruddy and rubicund Portugal Red.
Fly in and mop up what the vintners have shed!
Come soak yourself silly in Portugal Red!
Or if you want sherry, try Jerez instead,
And skip this importunate Portugal Red.

by Marshall Begel

“Delhi gets cutouts of langurs to ease [rhesus monkey] menace during G20…
[with] ’30 to 40 people’ who mock their sounds to create the impression
that the animals are alive and moving.”
—Reuters

New Delhi is humming! World leaders are coming
And we need to show them our best!
So we are employing the shrill and annoying
To come out and beat on their chest!

If you are so daring, we’ll pay you for scaring
the monkeys we don’t want around.
Hoot loud as you can as you hide the bananas
To make those pests go underground!

When meetings are ended, the primates offended
Can freely return to our streets,
But please stay nearby because tigers aren’t shy
And we’ll need people acting as meats!

by Alex Steelsmith

“The US Open… was interrupted by climate protesters… with one of the protesters glueing
their feet to the floor of the stands… Chants of ‘Kick them out! Kick them out!’
had rung out across Arthur Ashe Stadium.”
—The Guardian

Frustrated, flustrated
tennis enthusiasts
face a new tactic they’re
quick to condemn:

anti-petroleum
protesters holding the
floor for as long as the
floor’s holding them.

by Nora Jay

“Pink leather armchairs and bomb-proof floors: inside Kim Jong-un’s armoured train”
—The Guardian

Pink leather furniture and bomb-proof floors!
A mixture every sycophant adores,
While critics might derive a lesson, viz.
How ugly “Barbenheimer” really is.