“A California man has filed a lawsuit after he was injured trying to flee from a bear
that surprised him in a Lake Tahoe dumpster.” —The Guardian
Dear Sir, you’re warned (to give the gist)
To cease and also to desist
And hasten to be reconciled. In re this suit, so rashly filed,
We are reliably advised
Our client was the one surprised
By you when merely looking in Chez Dumpster for an opened tin.
To claim for injuries incurred
By foolish flight is quite absurd:
We may not, should you stay defiant,
Be able to restrain our client
From wielding, in this rightful cause,
The Bears’ Retaliative Clause.
It’s heresy, I say,
Traditions die this way—
We have to take a stand today, my brothers!
No lager, stout, or ale
On tap or by the pail,
vermouth, or gin and tonic, or the others,
Just lemonade and tea
And coffee (whiskey-free)—
We might as well go home, lads, to our mothers!
A year ago, Mei Xiang and Tian Tian’s trysts Produced a little miracle: a son— According to esteemed zoologists, Not one percent of such old couples’ fun Delivers baby giant panda bears! At National Zoo, devoted keepers say This cub is fond of apples and of pears, Unhurried but creative in his play, Remarkably observant, and astute: Not built for muggy metro weather, he Skedaddles for the nearest AC chute On dog days—so he proves himself to be No dummy! … Now it’s time to join DC, Exclaiming: Happy Birthday, Xiao Qi Ji!
“Life coach sent in to calm Wally wars on Scilly isles … Lizzi Larbalestier specialises in helping her clients develop ‘compassion for yourselves, others and the planet’ … [She] was flown in … to keep the peace between Wally the Walrus and some rather irate boatmen“ —The Sunday Times
“Pontoon built to help Wally the walrus rest” —BBC News
“Ritz leaves internet ‘speechless’ after explaining reason behind cracker shape” —Fox News
The toothsome crackers known as Ritz
Are shaped for slicing cheese to bits,
Or so the Web has just divulged.
The eyes of countless foodies bulged
With shock and serious distress:
A trait ascribed to prettiness
Was really a serrated tease
Designed for brutalizing cheese!
Though some might groan and others screech,
The Internet was robbed of speech,
Which, little though this tale befits,
Should win some amnesty for Ritz.
“‘Neptune’ appears in the waves during storm in Newhaven” —BBC News
Neptune himself appearing in the storm?
Few ever hoped for it—the god ascending,
Divine locks pluming out, a spectral swarm,
His whole head thrusting upwards, daylight bending
Around the wild white undulating form,
Through grief, some say, at never comprehending
A god’s gift, always soaring, always ending.
“Prince Charles says cheap food and industrial farming are ruining the planet” —The Washington Post
Your future king is on the radio, Objecting to cheap monoculture fare: Unless you eat organic food, there’s no Redemption for the planet we all share— Forget that I own more of it than you! … Unfettered large-scale farming industry Tears down the web of rural life I knew, Upsetting nature’s ways. The heart will be Ripped out of Britain’s countryside if your Eccentric-farmer types go out of biz, Knee-deep in what makes agriculture pure … I‘ve waited eons to succeed mum Liz— Now I’m concerned that if Big Ag ordain, Great Britain won’t be worth the wait to reign!