Poems of the Week

The Optimal Butt

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“This is the perfect bum shape, according to science”

The optimal butt measurements for males
Had not been well defined, until five glute
Enhancers’ would-be patients picked the tails
On photographs of males they found most cute.
Posterior analysis laid bare
The perfect bum. Two thirds as high as wide,
Its forward angle from the crack to where
Male buttocks start was sixty. From the side,
Ass overhang was perfect when it spanned
Less than a fifth of height … The bottom line:
Beholders plumped for moderation and,
Untouched by surgeons’ knives, your cheeks define
The best for you—but if they’re redesigned,
The tailor’s is the cut to get behind!