by Clyde Always “Nutritionist recommends eating like a baby to lose weight”—New York Post Nutritionist Nicolette Paceconvincingly stated a caseto “eat like a baby.”Misreading her, maybe,I tried and got slapped in the face.

by Clyde Always “Memphis man in bed with lady friend shot in leg—and claims dog pulled the trigger”—New York Post A puppy (though don’t ask me how)put a gun to his owner and—POW!Then, once the smoke cleared,it’s likely he jeered:“Hey Buddy, who’s playin’ dead, now?”

by Clyde Always “Florida man swallows $769K stolen diamond earrings from Tiffany & Co,asks cops if he’ll be charged for ‘what’s in my stomach’”—New York Post I was jolted, as off to the pokey I went,by the deepest of all my epiphanies:that swallowing jewelry’s not what they meantwhen they titled it “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”

by Clyde Always “Pamela Anderson’s no-makeup SAG Awards look adds Old Hollywood glamour”—USA Today Fairity-rarity,Pamela Anderson,brave in no makeup, isaging with grace. Dermis developingnonelasticity?Hardly a reason forhiding your face.

by Clyde Always “Bianca Censori made her jaw-dropping debut at the 2025 Grammysalongside Kanye West… in a completely sheer mini dress.”—Page Six An eye-catching story:Bianca Censorishowed up to the Grammysin ebony fur. This coat was concealinga dress quite revealing—she posed in it brieflyand left in a blur.

by Clyde Always “Bills season ends in AFC championship loss to Chiefs”—Sports Illustrated For my sister Those rosy, faithful fools out in the snow,whose football team’s forever blizzard-tossed:more die-hard fans the game will never know. Their zeal they showed, in 10-degrees-below,by smashing plastic tables, stiff with frost—those rosy, faithful fools out in the snow. They […]

by Clyde Always “Male stripper reveals ‘crazy’ cheating trend for brides…’”—New York Post Tell me, My Darling, I’m dying to know: how did your bachelorette party go? All innocent fun with the ladies, I swear! They gave me a sash and tiara to wear. We nibbled hors d’ oeuvres and went light on the sauce. […]

by Clyde Always “Cowboys kicker Brandon Aubrey apologizes to cheerleader for drilling her in the head with ball”—New York Post Whumpity-thumpity,NFL cheerleader,brutally beaned with aball from the back, might have the power ofinvincibility.How’d she survive? That’s atough nut to crack!

by Clyde Always “An Aberdeen Angus cow… was born with an extra leg growing from his forehead, which saved him from going to the slaughterhouse.” —PetHelpful Boeuffity-hoofity! Aberdeen Anguses, bred for their flesh on which gladly we sup, envy their fellow whose cephalomelia spared him from slaughter (he had a leg up).

by Clyde Always “Doctors use breast implants to save lung transplant patient who nearly died from vaping” —New York Post There once was a man from Missouri who vaped ‘til his lungs were a slurry. His surgical nurse thought the doc was perverse when he called for “two D-cups—and hurry!”

by Clyde Always “A naked man was detained on Monday after air travelers spotted him proudly sauntering through Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport. Eye-popping video shows the man—without any baggage in sight or a stitch of clothing…” —New York Post Look at my carry-on! Packing’s a snap. It’s a pleasure to handle and fits on my […]

by Clyde Always “Woman is ‘humbled’ when Hinge date asks to pop her pimple” —Independent This fella I’m seeing— he isn’t too fussy. When asked why he likes me, he answered: “You’re pussy.”