by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Love is telling your partner what an awful day you’ve had:
Study finds moaning to your significant other can bring you both closer”
—Daily Mail

If I’d a mate who, while we both undressed,
Would listen to me whining like a cur,
I might not feel so buttoned-up and stressed.
But then I’d have to do the same for her—
And that would leave me even more depressed.

I’m far too mean to share another’s woe.
I need a mate with patience by the ton
Who never moans because she’s never low.
So basically I’m looking for a nun
Who’s permanently blissed from smoking blow.