by J.P. Celia

“More great weather Wednesday”
—WESH2 News

A Florida autumn isn’t what you want.
The trees are prudish and the nights are warm.
No ghost or poet would seek out to haunt
A palm tree forest in a thunderstorm.

A Florida autumn isn’t built to please.
It’s merely summer in November dress.
Just lift her skirt up past her knobby knees;
You’ll find hot August in a sultry mess.

A Florida autumn? A complete disgrace.
There is no cider, and there is no stew.
Retirees garden and bronze children race.
The only smoke is from a barbecue.

by Alex Steelsmith

“2-foot-tall cow posthumously recognized as world’s shortest.”
—UPI

“Catfish eaten before being verified can’t qualify for record.”
—ABC News

Higgledy-fickledy,
bovine mammalians
no longer living are
recognized, but

fish are disqualified
post-existentially.
What’s with the rules? Are they
fishy, or what?

by Stephen Gold

“Boris Johnson admits he has known of lorry driver shortage for ‘long, long, long time’”
—The Independent

“Fuel and food shortages could last until Christmas, warns Boris Johnson”
—The Times

(To the tune of “The Christmas Song”)

Parsnips rotting in a winter field,
Turkeys culled before our eyes.
Who can haul? Frankly, no one at all,
Since we ran out of fuel supplies.

Anybody know where all the pigs-in-blankets are?
Each and every one’s untucked.
Yuletide’s here, but forget festive cheer.
Britannia’s “Great” no more, it’s fucked.

Are there more truckers on their way?
Where are my pickles, panettone and pâté?
I pray they make it in the nick of time.
Thank God I signed up for Amazon Prime!

And so, I’m offering this Christmas thought.
Own up, you must have had it too.
My friends, this is it; we are deep in the shit,
Now we’ve left the EU.

by Nora Jay

“Lindsey Graham told Republicans they ‘ought to think about’ getting a coronavirus vaccine.
They booed him. … [Graham] responded to the crowd, telling them: ‘I didn’t tell you to get it.
You ought to think about it.’”
—The Washington Post

“You’ve a choice!” Graham soothed his backers,
Whom his hint had driven crackers.
Here’s a choice I’d choose to lack, sirs:
Lindsey Graham or Anti-Vaxxers.

by Coleman Glenn

“Scammers are targeting T-Mobile customers through a new … text message [that] says that you may
have been affected by a T-Mobile service outage and that the company wants to compensate you for
the inconvenience.”
—BestLife

We much regret, dear customer,
the outage (which did not occur).
Moreover, we apologize
for slanders, insults, jabs, and lies
that you’ve endured throughout your life—
we now confess: we caused that strife.
In fact, the least thing that’s gone wrong
for you was our fault all along.
To make it right, we’re offering
a gift card. It’s a little thing,
but please accept it as a token
of penance for the trust we’ve broken.
We know you’re smart. You sniff scams out.
But there’s no need for prudent doubt
in this case. Let us overload you
with righteous lust for what is owed you.

by Bruce Bennett

“The original bridge which inspired A.A. Milne’s Winnie the Pooh stories has sold at auction for
more than £131,000. … It was where Milne and his son Christopher Robin created the game Poohsticks.”
—BBC News

“We’ll all make a killing,” said Pooh
To Piglet and Eeyore and Roo.
“We’ll set the price high,
And then you and I
Will go on a lark when we’re through.”

“That sounds pretty ducky to me,”
Said Roo. Piglet cried, “Oh boy! Whee!”
But Eeyore sat, hurt,
Depressed, and inert.
“Go on. Leave me here. You’ll be free.”

“No, never!” the others all cried.
“We’ll want you right there by our side.
We’ll keep it for now.
We’ll get by somehow.
Let others get rich when we’ve died.”

And so the four friends made a pact.
They would leave things the same and not act.
Though it now has been sold,
Since their tale is still told,
The bridge is still their bridge, in fact.

by Steven Kent

“We Wanted To Split Up. OkCupid Had Other Ideas”
—The New York Times

The separation might have worked, but then
Our marriage rates an almost perfect 10—
Well, 9.8 to really be specific,
But OKCupid tells me that’s terrific.

The ups and downs we went through in the past,
Small things that cause a couple not to last
(Like my desire to be with other men)
Could always be a problem once again,

But hey, that score! How can we stay apart?
Though I can’t say I’ll never break his heart,
I aim to be more faithful when I’m with him
And trust the method known as algorithm.

by Julia Griffin

“[D]ozens of Korean words added to Oxford English Dictionary
The new words include hallyu—the Korean original for the wave of pop culture …
[and] bulgogi—thin slices of beef or pork … There is room, too, for mukbang,
or livestreams of people eating extraordinary amounts of food
while talking to the online audience.”
—The Guardian

K-beauty makes the OED (as well as global moolah):
There’s room herein for mukbang on bulgogi. Hallyula!