Read our current issue by clicking on the cover below. Read Light‘s poems of the week
Poems of the Week
Love MAGA Style
by Chris O’Carroll
“But that was a day of love…”
—Donald Trump, describing the January 6 insurrection
We vandalized the Capitol,
We defecated on the floor.
It was a day of love and we
Would love to give the country more.
We lovingly assaulted cops,
And many of them didn’t die.
We’d love to do it all again
If our guy tells his favorite lie.
He told us we should fight like hell,
So we made love by making war.
Believe us when we say that we
Would love to give the country more.
Song for the Anxious Voter
by Philip Kitcher
The election’s so tight
I lie sleepless at night,
juggling numbers that fail to console.
Ample margins of error
make me shudder in terror.
How I long for a trustworthy poll!
Experts point to dispersion—
or perhaps it’s reversion?
Is inducing psychosis their goal?
Talk of sampling technique
might as well be in Greek.
Can’t they give me a trustworthy poll?
Each uncertain statistic
makes my pulse go ballistic,
drives my blood pressure out of control.
Starved of what I desire,
I shall surely expire
for the want of a trustworthy poll.
World Champion Wheelbarrow
by Marshall Begel
(With apologies to W.C.W.)
“A man from central Iowa has broken the Guinness World Record for the fastest
motorized wheelbarrow. … Friends and family gathered in support [as he] set the new
record at 57 kph.”
—WHO13
so much depends
upon cheering from friends
when making a Guinness-Book winner
he broke record speed
then after the deed
they ate the white chickens for dinner
Of Toil and Toilets
by Alex Steelsmith
“Swiss Court Rules Workers Must Clock Out For Bathroom Breaks…
‘Swiss law does not mention the right of employees to go to the toilet…’
[T]he company believed the issue was generally about ‘an interruption of work…’”
—HuffPost
Hurried, harried
Swiss employees
do their duties
much in haste;
firms concerned that
interruptions
waste their time can
time their waste.
Birds of a Feather
by Steven Kent
“Is Donald Trump the greatest grifter of them all? Melania is giving him a run for his money”
—The Guardian
Good family man, he is;
A whiz, he is, at biz,
And so I give him all my heart’s devotion.
(I loathe his ugly mug,
But with a book to plug,
I’ve got to play my part and do promotion.)
A savior he will be
To keep our country free,
So vote for him again the way I’m doing!
(If this might get my spouse
The hell out of our house,
There’s not a lie that I won’t keep on spewing.)
It’s time to take my shot:
You love me, do you not,
And find me, as First Lady, most compelling?
(I really do not care—
That’s on the clothes I wear—
As long as merchandise of mine is selling.)
A Brief on Wealth and Power
by Dan Campion
“Elon Musk has given $75 million, so far, to put Donald Trump back in the White House”
—NPR
Be careful, Elon! Croesus was
This planet’s richest king,
But Cyrus, who had greater buzz,
Made him his underling.
Boris Unleashed
by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons
“Voters don’t believe Boris Johnson’s most controversial claims in new book, poll finds”
—The Independent
Believe in me. This modest ego trip
Of fewer than eight hundred pages will
Retell the story of my statesmanship.
In retrospect, it will appear as skill.
Spare‘s author, whom, with manly pep talks, I
Urged not to leave GB, may claim we had
No chats; the Palace may flat out deny
Liz R had sought my help; that Oxford grad
Ennobled, Dave, who fought the Brexiteer
And lost, may yet gainsay aspersions he
Slung swearingly my way; and polls, I hear,
Have found that voters too do not trust me.
Et tu, Brute? … The joke may soon hit home,
Dear reader—you have bought a rubbish tome!
New Wave
by Stephen Gold
“Three-armed robot conductor makes debut [before an orchestra] in Dresden”
—The Guardian
Bernstein, Böhm and Barbirolli
Wouldn’t tolerate such folly.
Had they let this thing conduct,
They’d all have been completely finished.
So Convict Us
by Julia Griffin
(After W.E. Henley)
“Conkers cheating row as men’s champion found with steel chestnut:
David Jakins [“King Conker”] says metal replica discovered in his pocket was only ‘for humour value’”
—The Telegraph
Out of the green, o’er-prickled case,
As glossy as the noblest steed,
It swings in might, till all give place
To my unconquerable seed!
Confronted by the strongest foe,
It would not deign to dodge the act,
Prevailing with a single blow:
A little dented, but uncracked.
What though a rival, sick with spite,
Found in my garb a seed of steel?
That was for jest and not for fight,
And we shall win upon appeal.
It matters not how losers sore
Like Johnson-Ferguson demur:
Roan Beauty triumphs! And the corps
Of kings and conquerors concur.
Memo to Undecided Voters
by Felicia Nimue Ackerman
You’re finding it hard to decide?
Let practical sense be your guide.
To help you get over the hump,
I’m listing the virtues of Trump:
They’ve Grown Accustomed to His Hate
by Orel Protopopescu
(With apologies to Lerner and Loewe)
“The Trump Voters Who Don’t Believe Trump”
—The New York Times
They’ve grown accustomed to his hate…
They call it “riling up the news.”
They love the music of his wails,
the Molotov cocktails
of threats and cries,
transparent lies.
They know he’d never do that crap.
It’s just the way he likes to schmooze…
He promised lots of stuff before
that never made it past his lips.
Surely only fools would think
he’d cash in all his chips.
They’ve grown accustomed to his nice,
his synonym for White,
accustomed to his hate…
They are so used to hear him say
to them, “I love you,” every day…
his hos, his lows,
his lists of foes
are second nature to them now,
like getting all their news from X.
And they’re so grateful he’s a man
who can keep women in their place,
raping them with feudal laws
and, lordly, by His Grace,
they’ve grown accustomed to a boar
who’s “fascist to the core,”
accustomed to his hate…
Bedbugs and Room Stinks
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“What happens when you don’t wash your bedsheets”
—The Independent
Well, chat and date and flirt and mix and mingle
However much you want—you’re staying single.
Variety Says a New Beatles Documentary from Martin Scorsese Sets Disney+ Release in November
by Matt Schatz
Here comes another Beatles doc!
This one’s called Beatles ‘64,
The rare Scorsese film that lacks
A Rolling Stones’ song in its score.
Odd One Out
by Jesse Anna Bornemann
“Woman Who Tried to Smuggle 29 Turtles Wrapped in Socks Pleads Guilty:
A resident of Hong Kong was caught while paddling across a lake from Vermont to Canada
in an inflatable kayak with the Eastern box turtles in a duffle bag…”
—The New York Times
Twenty-nine is quite a haul!
Fourteen pairs of socks in all…
Plus, one lone soul without a mate.
(My laundry mirrors Turtlegate.)
Life in Space?
by Bruce Bennett
“NASA Launches Europa Clipper to Explore an Ocean Moon’s Habitability”
—The New York Times
Off for Europa! It will take it years,
But what the Clipper spacecraft “sees” and “hears”
Will give us knowledge precious and profound—
Provided, that is, we are still around.
(For more witty poems, read our current issue or visit our Poems of the Week archive)