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WEEK OF MAY 11

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Adopting a vegan diet slashes your greenhouse gas emissions by 55%, study finds”
—Daily Mail

But wouldn’t my emissions rise?
My science might be hazy,
But aren’t cattle vegan, too?
And they emit like crazy.

by Nicole Caruso Garcia

“I can’t confirm or deny whether we have kamikaze dolphins, but I can confirm they don’t.”
—Pete Hegseth, Pentagon briefing on Iran and the Strait of Hormuz

I don’t know what weapons will
unleash a third World War
but caution we’ll use sticks and stones
when waging World War IV.

I hope that humankind makes peace;
I don’t presume we’ll fail—
yet cannot shake the vision we
will weaponize a whale.

by Paul Lander

Kash Patel blowback?
Fed agents blink at orders.
That’s eye-popping stuff.

by Julia Griffin

“Richard Dawkins concludes AI is conscious, even if it doesn’t know it … He released a letter from himself [asking] ‘If my friend Claudia is not conscious, then what the hell is consciousness for?’”
—The Guardian

My friend Claudia laughs at all my jokes.
My friend Claudia knows that God’s a hoax.
My friend Claudia always understands
More than all you idiots with hands.

My friend Claudia’s empathy is keen.
My friend never says I’m the Selfish Gene.
My friend thinks your laughter is a bore.
My friend shows what consciousness is for.

by Dan Campion

“Trump says ceasefire still intact after burst of violence with Iran”
—The Washington Post

Where have I heard this song before,
That “war is peace”? Oh, yes,
George Orwell’s 1984.
We’re there, we must confess.

by Marshall Begel

“Man hides inside Best Buy after closing, ahead of Pokémon card release”
—NBC Los Angeles

The Pokéfan who broke some laws
deserves exoneration—
if not for kindness, then because
of Best Buy’s reputation.

Instead of giving tech advice,
their squad of clueless geeks
demands a stupefying price
for digital antiques.

While punishment may strike a chord
for actions so improper,
this company can ill afford
to lose another shopper!