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WEEK OF AUGUST 17

by Susan McLean

Of things that scare us when immersed,
they’re not the ones we think of first:
a park in Maryland is cursed
with rabid beavers.

In truth, it ought to give us pause
when rodents red in tooth and claws,
attacking, silence the guffaws
of disbelievers.

So small, so bucktoothed, and so cute,
they don’t appear the kind of brute
we ought to fear, with no repute
for vicious slaughter.

But if you swim or fish, beware!
They’re mad, they’re fast, they’re on a tear,
and they don’t give a dam. Take care:
avoid the water.

by Nora Jay

“When US intelligence allegedly found a credible threat that Iran plotted to kill him last month, Trump left Air Force One in a catering truck.”
—The Guardian

On Air Force One, the catering’s surprising:
The truck is now a Presidential stall,
Thus proving there are sights less appetizing
Than Last-Row Chicken Pasta after all.

by Steven Kent

“Will Trump’s next press secretary be a better liar than the first five?”
—The Guardian

The new Press Sec will catch Trump’s eye
If he or she can sell a lie
At least as well as Leavitt—my
Oh my, that bar is really high!

by Marshall Begel

“Netflix stuck a guy in a billboard to promote a new movie”
—Entertainment Weekly

For those of you who can’t afford
to pay your monthly room and board,
a well-known streaming corporation
will gladly fix your situation:
they’ll build a billboard just for you
with AC and fantastic view
(though to be honest and forthcoming,
it’s possible it won’t have plumbing).
They promise you’ll be captivated!
Privacy? That’s overrated!
It’s almost like a paid vacation …
till the series’ cancellation.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Taking the stairs cuts risk of early death by a quarter”
—The Telegraph

You’ve only got a single heart,
They never come in pairs,
So always, always, always, always,
Always take the stairs.

Unless you’re having surgery
And suddenly you spy
A luminescent flight of stairs
Ascending to the sky.

by Julia Griffin

“A Baltimore, Maryland, police officer avoided service calls by claiming he was on traffic stops when he was in fact ‘sitting idle in his car,’ according to an indictment filed by city prosecutors. … On one occasion, when Houchins reported being unavailable, he was allegedly ordering a smoothie…”
—The Guardian

The Maryland PD just likes to moan;
The charges filed are frankly overblown.
They allege I’m “sitting idle,”
A complaint at which I bridle:
Inside my car, I’ve orders of my own.

I counter-charge my so-called fellow cops
With strangely misdefining “traffic stops.”
I was driving, then I halted.
I don’t think that can be faulted—
I’m sure I only missed four murders, tops.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Six ‘bankrupt’ councils spend £207m hiring consultants”
—The Telegraph

We hired some consultants to
Investigate our cash,
And tell us where we’re going wrong
And if we’re being rash.

And when they’d poked around a bit,
They said our money cares
Were mostly the result of us
Employing firms like theirs.