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WEEK OF JULY 14

by Steven Kent

“Trump-voting family stunned after Canadian mother detained over immigration status”
—The Guardian

I count myself among the MAGA base
And Trump got my support in last year’s race.
I’m backing ICE detentions everyplace:
Deport illegals, never show them grace.
My wife’s now disappeared without a trace—
The leopards weren’t supposed to eat my face!

by Julia Griffin

For Jenny

“State Department enacts widespread layoffs, cutting 1,353 staff as part of reorganization”
—CBS

The State Department has this week been sawed,
A move we’re sure the nation will applaud:
The place is so suspicious
And besides, so repetitious,
And there’s nothing really going on abroad.

Unpatriotic bureaus are the worst!
You’ll see that Biden-bloated bubble burst;
When the joint’s all run by yes-men
With the empathy of chessmen,
That’s when you’ll know America Is First.

by Thomas Germana

“As Americans flock to the country’s coasts—and to the lakes and rivers in between—in the heat of summer,
they may be doing so despite the presence of fecal matter. A stark 1,930 out of 3,187 beaches sampled across the nation
in 2024 experienced at least one day on which indicators of fecal contamination exceeded federal safety levels…”
—The Hill

The moment Summer rolls around
At last, my ass is coastal-bound.
They found some feces, yeah, I know—
It’s still my favorite place to go.

By Marshall Begel

“Meet the Rat-Obsessed Tour Guide Leading Visitors Through NYC’s Rodent Hotspots”
—Vice

This corner marks where Jimmy spilled some gas and caught on fire—
they only found his switchblade and a melted copper wire.
Elena told the feds, then begged the bosses to forgive her.
They did before they dropped her here, into the Hudson River.
Bernard went to confession and was turned in by the priest,
and this is where Long Island turkey vultures had their feast.
And here’s the bar… What’s that? You aren’t a mob-obsessive geek?
Oh—you must want that other tour where “rats” don’t squeal, but squeak!

by Dan Campion

“A 37,000-Year Chronicle of What Once Ailed Us: In a new genetic study, scientists have charted
the rise of 214 human diseases across ancient Europe and Asia.”
—The New York Times

It’s quite a Saga, I will tell you.
No one’s seen such Ills before.
I, Your King, have Cures to sell you,
If you’ll lend my reps the floor.

They’re horrible, those Maladies
Old Left Wings left us. Need Great care? If
So, check out my Remedies.
Buy online now, I’ll waive the tariff.

One thing’s sure: we Kings can Cure.
All ailments simply Fade away
(Except for this or that bone spur).
So order Cure-All merch Today!

(very loosely inspired by recent events)

by Clyde Always

“Child rescued [by fire and EMS workers] after climbing into a claw machine arcade game”
—ABC

How did you lose all our savings, you fool?
Did you fall for a hustle again playing pool?
Or pick the last pony to circle the track?
Or wager on red when you should’ve picked black?
Of course not! In fact, it’s our son who’s to blame.
You know that impossible claw machine game?
He crawled up the chute going after a prize
and got stuck, but I snagged him! It took a few tries…

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“The real Salt Path: how a blockbuster book and film were spun from lies, deceit and desperation:
Penniless and homeless, the Winns found fame and fortune with the story of their 630-mile walk
to salvation. … [T]he truth behind it is very different”
—The Observer

The Salt Path was restorative for Winn.
Her royalties, it is alleged, repaid
Embezzled funds. Yet nature’s-medicine
(Perambulations Moth and Raynor made
In Cornwall on its cliffs), according to
New claims, was too restorative to be
Considered true: in many medics’ view,
He’s been too well too long for CBD.
Observer scoops don’t often tell a lie.
Fresh readings bring up doubts you can’t ignore
So easily, yet millions passed them by …
At picnics on the beach, with Salt Path for
Light reading, why did no one spot a fault?
They probably forgot their pinch of salt!

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Schools are blasted for ‘raising a generation of wimps’ after calls for [indoor play] during heatwaves”
– Daily Mail

’Cos nothing fosters character like heatstroke,
And battling back to fitness from a coma,
And overcoming brain and organ damage—
Unless it’s squaring off with melanoma.

by K.D. Taylor

“If you love to write, it is not about the money.”
—opinion piece in Writers

“The pen is mightier than the sword,”
one playwright said of old,
yet it’s a mighty puny price
at which most penwork’s sold.

And starving writers number more
than any man can count,
while not one swordsman seems to starve
nor does his bank account.

Hear all the names of billionaires
the newsmen are reciting,
and try to name a single one
who made their wealth by writing.

The written word won’t likely yield
such market-worth ascensions,
Though Galileo called it once
the greatest of inventions.

But if you think that income gains
to writers are proceeding,
know I received not one red cent
for what you now are reading.