by Chris O’Carroll

“Rats in northern India have been accused of eating hundreds of kilograms of cannabis
seized from drug dealers and stored in police warehouses.”
–CNN

Cops confiscated weed and tried to store it,
But hungry warehouse rats were jonesing for it—
Or that’s what court officials have been hearing.
Why else would contraband be disappearing?

by Steven Kent

“Six million Americans carried guns daily in 2019, twice as many as in 2015”
—The Guardian

You see that guy ahead of me in line?
I saw him glance my way; it happened twice.
He looks at me again, he’ll pay the price.
I’d guess he’s got a gun—well, I’ve got mine.

This suburb’s now an urban combat zone:
The mall, Panera, church. I’m on the clock,
With ammo by the pound to fill my Glock.
Did that dude pull a piece? Wait, that’s a phone.

Some server down at Starbucks gave a smirk
At my Colt .45 and Ruger 9.
This snotty little leftie crossed the line—
I might teach her a lesson after work.

Don’t cut me off in traffic, don’t push through;
I’m on the edge at all times, you can bet.
Do nothing you might not live to regret;
If you get shot, remember: that’s on you.

by Steven Kent

“Crime coverage on Fox News halved once US midterms were over”
—The Guardian

Sean, Tucker, Doocy, Pirro, and the rest
Gave news of crime a strangely sudden rest
The moment voters made their fall selection.
(Don’t worry, they’ll reprise it next election.)

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Dr Mosley shares reading could be ‘key’ to longer life but how much you read matters”
—Daily Express

When someone says I read too much
I tell them to get stuffed,
But only when they’ve left the room—
Especially if they’re buffed—

’Cos I’m a worm—a bookworm—and
I’ve never had a fight.
So how d’you know you couldn’t throw
A nifty right-left-right?

’Cos reading has endowed me with
A good imagination—
The only garlands I would win
Are wreaths for my cremation.

by Philip Kitcher

“Tradition weighs against England in grudge match with US”
—Sports Village Square

“In a way, there is a kind of genius to the perpetual dissatisfaction of the English:
not so much a tyranny of expectations as a police state of expectations, a fascism of expectations.”
—The Guardian

It’s like Saratoga all over again—
a woeful reverse for our football campaign,
as General Burgoyne commandeered Harry Kane.

The rout of Iran gave supporters a thrill,
inspiring illusions our team had some skill.
Al Bayt then emerged as our new Bunker Hill.

It’s no use pretending we don’t give a toss,
since scraping a draw feels as bad as a loss.
If Weston McKennie had buried that cross …

We can’t beat the Yanks, to our undying shame—
instead let us take up our favorite game,
and focus attention on who is to blame.

When Empire collapses and Majesty fails,
best celebrate triumphs on tinier scales,
rejoice in the fact we can still conquer … Wales.

by Phil Huffy

“A TSA scanner at the JFK airport detected a feline trapped within a checked suitcase last week.
The stowaway cat … was returned to its owner, who was unaware it sneaked into the suitcase
of a visiting friend.”
—NPR

A kitty in a suitcase.
Oh what a place to play!
But not if it’s checked baggage,
so thank you, TSA.

There’s been some speculation
concerning how it got
inside that piece of luggage.
And was it closed, or not?

Some type of human mischief
is probably the cause.
(Though cats are very clever,
they can’t zip with their paws.)

We need an explanation
concerning this good pet,
who’s safely back at home now
and hasn’t said much, yet.

by Julia Griffin

After Kipling

“These Are the Trendiest Dog Names of 2022 …
Fezco … Cassini … Mossberg … Mirabel … Kyna … Mommy … Monka … Tohru … Frederico … Beige”
—Reader’s Digest

Gloom in the Newsroom: the front page needing
Something to draw in the fans:
Same after same, with DeSantis leading,
Fuentes and (Kan)ye’s bans.
“Something’s hitting the airwaves!
Dog names now all the rage:
Write up Kyna, Monka, Frederico, Fezco, and Tohru Beige.”

Joy in the Newsroom: the story trending—
Fox and the Mail are toast,
Four more dog names now contending,
Trouncing the New York Post.
“Item’s conquered the airwaves!
Here’s to our next front page:
Write up Mommy, Mirabel, Cassini, Mossberg, and Tohru Beige.”