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WEEK OF MARCH 9

by Steven Kent

“Source close to Rolling Stones disputes Melania producer’s claim Mick Jagger ‘gave his blessing’ to use song”
—The Guardian

Melania needs a heavy hit,
But let us be on the level:
Gimme Shelter’s not as fit
As Sympathy for the Devil.

by Julia Griffin

“Trump removes DHS Secretary Kristi Noem after controversial tenure:
In his post, Trump praised Noem as having ‘served us well’ and praised her for ‘numerous and spectacular results (especially on the Border!’).’”
—The Washington Post

She built a face of plaster;
Her lips were rubber-coated;
But still she irked her master,
And now she’s been demoted.

Her record he’s defending;
No word of botch or bungle;
But now she’s apprehending
The ethics of the jungle.

The wolves that she’s been thrown to
Are ones she once insisted
No mercy should be shown to,
And gleefully delisted;

Now she herself’s de-POTUSed,
Whereon a thankless nation’s
In hopes the wolves have noticed
That dogs are their relations.

by Paul Lander

Britney, DUI.
Sources claim she’ll plead she’s not—
Not that innocent.

by Marshall Begel

“’The rumors are true! I’m retiring and saying goodbye to the world of cleaning to pursue new hobbies,’ Mr. Clean said in a statement.”
—PennLive

He’s hanging up his plain white tee
and growing out his hair,
as Mr. Clean, retiree,
retracts his nom de guerre.

As mascot for his namesake brand,
he figured it was time
to let his ad campaign disband
and end his life of grime.

Perhaps there was some secret tryst
or other tabloid shocker—
was he revealed on Epstein’s list
or caught with Betty Crocker?

The reason for his abdication
is likely unsurprising:
a tactic of a corporation
to get free advertising.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“At 81 I’m an amateur investor with £370K in stocks. What should my next move be?”
—The Telegraph

Considering you’re 81,
I’d sell them all and have some fun.

by Daniel Galef

They’re tired of matcha?
Gotcha!
We’ll give ’em a new bae!
Ube?

by Stephen Gold

“Why Hendrix, Churchill and Bowie had a helping hand to success”
—The Times

Though being a left-hander
May help one to compete,
I tell you in all candor,
Not so with two left feet!