by Ruth S. Baker

“Pumpkin weighing 2749 lbs wins California contest, sets world record”
—AP

The Pumpkin mopes. “2,000 lbs and dropsical:
My flesh is mush, my roots are downright swimming;
I’ve higher water-content than a popsicle,
And still that bully yells: ‘What are you, slimming???’

“I’m gorged with mulch, I’ve endless indigestion,
And still it’s all impatience and reproach.
O Fairy Squashmother! What’s your suggestion
For getting me in shape to be a coach?

“White mice? To make me move you’d need a rhino—
That’s just to have me squelch along the ground;
You’d have to fit my innards out with lino,
Or poor young Cinderella could be drowned.

“Now see me on some heavy-duty platform:
Three cheers! I’m crowned the Grossest Gourd of All!
Before I plummet, ending up in splat-form,
Won’t someone take this Pumpkin to the Ball?”