The NSA replies to allegations of “pillow talk” surveillance
We know you’re not a terrorist.
We hate this drastic measure
but hope our needs can coexist.
We feel your pain. And pleasure.
On the Amtrak Northeast Regional
A “Quiet Car”? I must have won
the lottery—a tranquil trip!
But then the speakers blare: YOU’RE ON
THE QUIET CAR. BUTTON YOUR LIP.
Within these cars we speed along
yet also stroll. So here’s the drill:
Sleep on cue, silence your phone,
buy lots of coffee, never spill.
New passengers arrive and stow
their bags above or underneath.
As seated travelers will know,
this is the time to floss one’s teeth.
CAFÉ CAR’S OPEN. CLOSING SOON.
OPEN AGAIN, BUT HERE’S THE RUB:
OUR CREDIT GADGET DIED AT NOON,
SO PLEASE BRING CASH. YOU’LL LOVE OUR GRUB!
Pacing the aisle before a nap,
I’m jolted by a sudden swerve.
The man who’s caught me in his lap
says, “No problem at all.” What nerve!
O Train, you rumble, flicker, squeak
as destinations lie in wait.
Some have called your lines antique
but that’s OK. Just don’t be late.
Dating Ditties
Fact-Checker
“How recent are your photos?” he
demands. But she has never called
for proof that he’s authentically
wrinkled, overweight, and bald.
Spectator Sportsmanship
His lady friend must cheer, and hold his hand, and never grouch
at running, catching, hitting,
whether it’s in a stadium or on a satin couch
they’re sitting, sitting, sitting.
Agreeing to Disagree
She wishes a breach in opinion
were the reason their telephone date was a flop,
but the breach had a larger dominion:
when he started to talk, he never would stop.
A Senior Gets Tested for STDs
Nobody can deny that she’s
enjoying her best years—but so’s the nurse
who stuffs a brimming bag of these
multicolored rubbers in her purse.
B.O.
Whoever thinks
he never stinks
just lacks the facts.
But must he Axe?
Separation Anxiety
Over the years he has outgrown
his marriage. Planning moves,
he calls the basement suite his own.
Of course his wife approves.
Rigged
One says he’s doing service
on an oil rig off the coast.
Another one’s in Cyprus
where he’s supervising most
of a huge construction deal—
but they’ve no way of returning
till she sends them cash. It’s real!
Yes, for her their hearts are burning.
“Someone Likes You!”
—frequent notification from dating site
Although you’ve found a special
connection on our app,
our business is to wrestle
for each attention gap.
We know you’ve got your hands full
with stoking passion’s fire,
but please don’t ever cancel
or let your sub expire.
Much as your love is true and rare,
we’d rather have you here than there.
XO
thoughts on moody salutation shifts
briefly the Os
blink open then close
to vanish and vex
each leaving an X
which also decamps
like peelable stamps
that curl and restick
with less than a lick
replaced by Take Care
as if nothing’s there
but wait there’s a kernel
as X springs eternal
Mother’s Mantras, 1968
Do all your chores.
Don’t be a thinker.
What would the boys say?
No winning there!
Do be in style.
Don’t be a blinger.
Stay out of nightclubs.
Straighten your hair.
Do be a virgin.
Don’t be a spinster.
Stay out of politics.
Try not to care.
Do be an artist.
Don’t be a tinker.
Learn to be worldly
but go nowhere.
Parental Harvest
It’s nice to have two children.
When one is out of reach
or spoiling, there’s the other one
parading as a peach.
Road Trip
Maps are so passé
Phone GPS sets me free
both eyes on the road
Red Tesla stalks me
for the five minutes when sun
imagines me blonde
Beauty is not all
within these cars’ engines Chic
vehicles have hips
Piano trio
makes backroads a long dance floor
shimmering past trees
Towns appear then hide
choreographed by Schubert
till highways return
As I ask about
traffic suddenly it’s gone
Is the phone a god
This will have to stop
Siri is fed up with me
dictating haiku
“The NSA replies to allegations of ‘pillow talk’ surveillance first appeared in a print edition of Light (aka Light Quarterly)