Sex Lives of the Poets (SLOP)
Was accused of rape. What could be coarser?
So that’s how Eng. Lit. began.
And he seemed such a nice old man.
Marlowe liked buggery
And political skullduggery;
When stabbed, he asked, “For which Secret Service
Do I deserve this?”
Did Shakespeare get more joy
From a boy as a girl or a girl as a boy?
Whatever: he liked the nice surprises
Engendered by disguises.
It’s clear that Aphra Benn
Really liked lots of men
Around her and inside her:
Most anyone could get to ride her.
Hadn’t a hope
With Lady Mary Wortley Montague:
“When it comes to inches,” she said, “you certainly want a few.”
Swift’s sexual growth, as is well attested,
Was rather arrested;
He licked his lips at secret names,
And potty talk, and baby games.
William Wordsworth was a cad
Who felt great about feeling bad;
Abandoned girls and lovers’ quarrels
Rewrote themselves as lofty morals.
When it comes to Christina Rossetti
And a sex life . . . well, not to get petty
There wasn’t any, or at least none that was visible.
This clerihew’s sad, not risible.
Philip Larkin simpered and snickered
When he thought of a schoolgirl de-knickered;
What had him really in clover
Was the phrase, “Bend over.”
Was turned on by the wrath
Of Daddy. It was a mistake though to confuse
Daddy with Ted Hughes.