Ian Graham


You Friend or UFO?

A flying saucer yesterday
Came hovering quite near us
And it shot out a mighty ray.
I thought it meant to sear us.

But it just bore us up apace
To where three Things from Outer Space
Wore longish wigs and longer gowns
And even longer, thingly frowns.

Then one of them read out the data
Concerning all our sins since birth
Plus some new sins we’d field-test later
Once they had sent us back to Earth.

For send us back they (sigh) did.
The sentence of the Bench’ll list
Some stuff to bat your eyelid
Because it’s existentialist.

“Hell is earthlings,” they explained.
“Our mercy quality’s not strained.
We’ll beam you back down whence you came
So you’ll just get more of the same.”

They said we do not need a hell
Where flames are meant to fry us
Nor imps nor amps nor creed. Ah well,
These Things are sent to try us.


Water Table

Let’s dine along the harborfront,
Now we’re in a drunk mood.
The floating Chinese restaurant
Dishes up real junk food.


purpleLIan Graham earns his crust by writing on social issues and the environment. So his light verse is light relief. In the finest bardic tradition, he also sings songs and brews beer. In 2013, he published Mimes, Chimes and Rhymes, a “caustic meets slapstick” collection illustrated by Belgian artist Emilie Vercruysse. Samples and fresh daily doggerel at http://www.ianodes.com/. They are currently working on a children’s coloring book full of weird animals and even weirder English and French verse.