Do it Yourself

by Clyde Always “A man exposing his father-in-law’s X-rated browser history at a family get-together is being applauded online.” —Newsweek My father-in-law is an interesting fellow. His love of home projects I can’t understand: It seems his devotion to wood-working’s endless: he browses the net with a tool in his hand.


by Clyde Always “Radiographic camera containing radioactive material still missing in Houston… Authorities believe the device… was taken from a locker in the back of a construction vehicle.” —Fox 26 Houston A camera containing some radioactive material vanished with nary a trace. Good news for the bandits avoiding detectives: What’s highly unlikely? A break in […]


by Clyde Always “The FBI arrested Marc Muffley after a TSA agent says they discovered an explosive in his suitcase at a Pennsylvania airport. Muffley’s attorney argues the device was part of a firework that couldn’t be remotely detonated” —CNN Grabbity, nabbity, TSA Officers’ searches and seizures can leave you aghast. Sometimes, these ruffians unnecessarily […]


by Clyde Always “‘Fire-breathing demon’ dog Ralphie returned to Niagara shelter” —CNN Gruffity, ruffity, Ralphie the puppy-dog needs a new owner. So, could it be you? Warning: this rascal is hyperexcitable; needs to be disciplined— exorcised, too.


by Clyde Always “Average penis length has grown in 30 years… Researchers fear the phallic inflation is due to unhealthy habits…” —New York Post “Health food” keeps you young and spry. “Soul food” raises spirits high. “Brain food” clears your mind of fuzz. Take a guess what “junk food” does.

Low Profile

by Clyde Always “Daniela Rendon, a luxury realtor in Florida, has been charged with fraudulently obtaining $381,000 in Covid-relief loans. … [Government exhibits included] screen grabs from Rendon’s social media showing her boarding a private jet…” —Rolling Stone Scam Uncle Sam? Lay off the Gram.


by Clyde Always “Officials in New Zealand announced this week that they have completed a massive seizure of cocaine at sea, calling it a ‘major financial blow’ to producers and traffickers of the drug.“ —High Times Bootily, tootily, Kiwi authorities captured a boatload of kilos and felt lively enough to then (idiomatically) boast of the […]


by Clyde Always “It’s Time To Legalize Haggis… An American medical doctor and author has petitioned the U.S. Department of Agriculture, asking the agency to lift a decades-old rule banning the use of lungs in food.” —Reason American as apple pie. Scottish as alveoli?


by Clyde Always “CHP Baffled As Same Sinkhole… Claims Three Vehicles—All Because Drivers Ignore Road Closure Signs” —SFist Barricade, Schmarricade! CHP Officers, vexed as preventable breakdowns abound, hyperemphatically warn against motorists driving their vehicles into the ground.

Husband Material

by Clyde Always “Women reveal they are deleting dating apps in favor of ‘hunting for husbands’ at HOME DEPOT…” —Daily Mail Endlessly swiping through dastardly duds? Head to Home Depot for quality studs.


by Clyde Always “Some 7-Eleven convenience stores around the country, including in Texas and California, have started using roaring classical and opera music as a tactic to deter homeless people from camping out in front of their storefronts.” —New York Post Got hobos and tarps? Try oboes and harps.

Rooted Out

by Clyde Always “Onions are so expensive in the Philippines they’re being smuggled into the country” —CNN Onions, lately: costly things. Thus, a rise in smuggling rings.

Parole Playing

by Clyde Always “Dungeons & Dragons is Apparently Banned in Federal Prisons” —Reason A shakedown? That’s a lousy break. What exactly did they take? A pack of gum? A girlie-mag? A shiv? A blade? A plastic bag? Some powder or a sack of weed? Pruno, was it? Bump of speed? Syringes, maybe? Smack or ice? […]

Whining and Dining

by Clyde Always “At San Francisco restaurant, pups chow on filet mignon … Dogue, which rhymes with vogue, opened last month in the city’s trendy Mission District.” —AP News Slobbery, snobbery, Dogue’s culinarians bring the gastronomist out of your whelp; lauding its offerings’ palatability, four-legged foodies are likely to Yelp.

Sting Operation

by Clyde Always “Protester accused of unleashing bee swarm on deputies to stop eviction” —The Washington Post In Massachusetts, Boys in Blue were injured when a protest grew. Assailants swarmed and caused a buzz. One wonders where the swat-team was…