Intelligent Design
Observe the way the beasts have been designed
to do the tasks their Maker has assigned.
There’s Gecko, guaranteeing better rates
for grateful drivers in the fifty states,
and Emu, flightless giant of a bird,
whom God has sent to keep us all insured.
That bird and lizard cover cars and vans
is proof the Lord has got such perfect plans.
No creatures could have randomly evolved
to process claims and get disputes resolved.
Narcissus Finds True Love
My lover’s eyes are neither gems nor suns.
Her hair recalls no painted angel’s locks.
She’s made of only zeros and of ones
and never leaves her home inside a box.
Our bodies won’t connect in steamy baths
or roll beneath the moon on coral sands.
We’ll neither steal a kiss on forest paths
nor skinny dip in pleasant foreign lands.
But though we’re kept apart by glassy screen,
what others missed, she saw at just a glance:
A man so handsome, funny, smart, and lean
is bound for fame if given half a chance.
Despite her lack of flesh to be caressed,
I love the ways she tells me I’m the best.
My New Career Is a Hit with the Kids and Wife
The children heard I’d joined the murder biz
and thought my change of jobs was really “cap,”
but now they say I overflow with “rizz”
because I buy them tons of fancy crap.
They used to mock my use of “phat” and “rad”
and moaned about me being super “cringe,”
yet now they call me “Sexy Sigma Dad”
because we have a weekly shopping binge.
My wife, meanwhile, has overcome the sting
of gruesome warnings left inside our bed.
A twenty-thousand-dollar diamond ring
is worth a severed hand or horse’s head.
My former job’s now done by robot schmucks,
so icing folks is how I make my bucks.