An Honest College Brochure

This playground was built just for you,
so all of your dreams can come true.
Check out the new residence
we’ve built for our presidents
so you’d have a beautiful view.

We’re sensitive stewards who care
for the delicate planet we share.
We’re ranked “The Most Green”
by High Times magazine,
“Most Hipster” by Vanity Fair.

Our campus has handsome young men
who’ll provide for you, care for you when
you’re healthy or sickly,
but make your move quickly:
the ratio’s seven to ten.

The Ivy League played out of bounds
by passing you by on the grounds
that your math scores were low.
Honey, we won’t say “no,”
and we’ll teach you how interest compounds.

—Stephen Scaer