Poems of the Week

50 Ways to Screw Them Over

by Orel Protopopescu
(With apologies to Paul Simon)

The problem’s all inside blue states, the prez declares,
so why’s it my fault they were all caught unawares?
Why should I stop supplying them with fresh nightmares
when there are fifty ways to screw them over?
He says, it’s really not my habit to intrude
except to help my friends, at least the ones who lift my mood.
Why send our PPE to states where I get booed
when there are fifty ways to screw them over?
Fifty ways to screw them over…

Stop the jokes about Kiev, Kev.
Blame and deceive, Steve.
Pin them down, limb by limb, Jim.
They lose what we gain.
Keep them in park, Mark.
Call them out for their dark snark.
Eyes on our campaign, Blaine.
Their loss is our gain.

Prez says, why should I help the governors succeed
in states I hate? It feels so great to keep the stuff I know they need.
Your loyalty to me is guaranteed now we’ve agreed
about those fifty ways…
He says, what better use for power anyway?
We may be gone tomorrow. Better to cash in today!
And with a sniffing snort he added, As I say,
There must be fifty ways to screw them over…

(Repeat Chorus)