by Philip Kitcher

Let us make you an offer you cannot refuse:
we shall burnish your image—our fervent intent is
to bring a vast following you’ll never lose.
We’ve designed a revival: The Stellar Apprentice.

For the first of your guests, we are thinking of Hannity—
the scene where you fire him will cause a sensation.
At risk of inflating your well-deserved vanity,
we’ll mandate each episode’s viewed by the nation.

To ensure that all citizens cherish you dearly,
our reruns will air for compulsory viewing.
The whole of the public must view them twice yearly;
we’ll jail all degenerates whom we catch booing.

There is just one small problem: the trouble combining
your GOP role with our plans. We must mention
you’ll need—right away—to announce you’re resigning.
Your prize: a tsunami of cosmic attention.

Bid farewell to the White House! We don’t think you’ll miss us.
You’ll know that you’re billed as the world’s star attraction.
Consider the pleasure: you’ll rival Narcissus
in pure plenitude of your self-satisfaction.