Poems of the Week

Fan Mail to Fairfax County, Virginia

by Claudia Gary

“A Fairfax judge ruled that [Johnny] Depp was within his rights to bring the case here because
the [Washington] Post’s online editions are published through servers located in Fairfax County.
Depp’s lawyers have said they brought the case in Virginia in part because the laws here are
more favorable to their case.”
Associated Press

You’ve aced vaccine delivery!
Your taxes aren’t unfair!
Your school system is easily
as good as anywhere,

and now, thanks to a server room
within your bounds, oh County,
your courts have also scored a plum:
a slice of pirate bounty!

To make this charming pirate fall
(he claims), she did him wrong.
The court is not a private hall,
but warm tears fill the throng.

The Captain drones, but not one eye
begrudges him his island.
The judge is sweet as apple pie,
especially when she’s silent.

While Southern hospitality
gives Hollywood the shrug—
and while, dear County, we can see
that you deserve a hug—
please, after this festivity,
get back beneath the rug.