Poems of the Week

Hog Wild

by Stephen Gold

“[Golfers] in West Yorkshire were given a shock this week when two huge pigs
went on a rampage around Lightcliffe Golf Club, near Halifax.”

The Times

We were out for an afternoon stroll,
Taking pleasure in woodland and knoll,
When we heard him yell, “Fore!”
And, “Beware of the boar!”
He seemed totally out of control.

Well, we couldn’t just let this go by
And turn a blind eye to the guy.
“Be pleasant to piggie”:
For us, that’s a biggie,
So we both bit him right in the thigh.

Most regrettably, action was taken,
Unconducive to saving our bacon.
To be honest, who knew
Such a hullabaloo
Would ensue, or the stink we’d awaken?

As we watched the cops race from their truck,
We reacted as one, “What the fuck!”
All we’d wanted to do
Was to gaze at the view.
Now we’re up to our snouts in the muck.

To accuse us of “rampage” is wrong.
We’re a couple of pigs, not King Kong!
What’s your beef if two swine
Like to stroll the front nine?
How about we just all get along?