Poems of the Week

Life on Paws

by Stephen Gold

“Gunther the top dog cashes in on $31m mansion:
German shepherd has put his Miami home up for sale
but don’t worry, he owns several more”
The Times

I have diamond-studded collars,
And a basket made of gold
(I’m worth half a billion dollars)
And for keeping out the cold,
I wear cashmere from Brioni,
And galoshes from McQueen,
The most affluent Alsatian
That the world has ever seen.

I uphold the highest standards
Of the canine upper classes,
And deplore the lower orders
Sniffing one another’s asses.
If out walking with my butler,
Should he call, I pay no heed,
It’s important to remind him
That it’s I who take the lead.

My abode has just been listed.
I’m not sure that I approve,
And I’ve doggedly insisted,
When it comes the time to move,
That I must be groomed and rested,
I will brook no ifs or buts.
Let my patience not be tested,
For I’m not like other mutts.

It’s essential that I’m treated
In the most respectful way,
If I’m not, I may get heated.
What am I, some kind of stray?
Just make sure my new location,
Be it mansion, house or flat,
Is befitting of my station,
And does not include a cat.