by Michael Calvert

“Officials at Samford University, a Christian college in Alabama, allegedly told an all-female group partaking in a dancing competition to “bind their breasts” … [and] use Ace bandages or wear multiple bras so ‘nothing moves’ while they competed.”—The Daily Beast

Now girls, put on your funky grooves,
But just see to it nothing moves.
We’re asking every dancing beauty,
Shake nothing, least of all your booty.

Although we know you long to be
True daughters of Terpsichore,
Each time we see a bosom sway,
We fear there will be hell to pay.

So keep it clean, avoiding wiggles,
Waggles, jounces, jumps or jiggles—
No dance gives us a bigger thrill
Than one that keeps you standing still.