by Julia Griffin

“I’m a Very Well-Bred Toff Says Ex-Showjumper who Daubed Pig’s Blood on Cheating Lord’s ₤1m Flat”: After praising the “very nice judge” who let her walk free, [she] said: “Everything starts in Norfolk. It is a hotbed of sex. I am a very, very well-bred toff, I was born and bred in Norfolk. So many people have said I should write my life story but I am so bonkers I can’t remember it.” —Daily Mail

How patrician this whole scenario:
Jumping lady and humping lord
(Sixty-three and a true Lothario);
Low-browed plebs must be over-awed.

Ex-Showjumper has found catharsis
Through this sanguinary jamboree;
Such impulsiveness quickly passes
With such aristocrats as she;

Blue-blooded character soon reconquers:
She’s regretful for what she did,
Characterizing herself as “bonkers”
(Charged, on top, fifteen thousand quid).

Now she’s doing Community Service,
Banned by miles from her Tory peer;
But the price of her fervent lurve is
Not so high as a prole might fear.

In South Africa, not in prison,
Fined the price of a Ritz cocktail,
Ex-Showjumper, her stock much risen,
Speaks her mind to the Daily Mail:

“The judge understood that we’re not like poor folk:
Toff-style passion’s what flutters our wigs;
Everything starts in naughty Norfolk—
Hotbed of sex, and poshos, and pigs.”