by Julia Griffin

Colbert, you have your answer!
Oliver, take a bow!
MOTHER OF THREE HAS CANCER.
What shall we laugh at now?

by Steven Kent

“Utah governor signs bill encouraging teachers to carry guns in classrooms”
—The Guardian

Some bullet points on Utah’s plan
That’s causing such a flap:
Will Coach McKinley be the man,
Or will our lunchroom lady, Jan,
Be first to bust a cap?

From here on out librarians—
So prim and proper, meek,
The Marians, the scary nuns
Equipped and trained to carry guns—
Won’t turn the other cheek.

High caliber of staffers now
Demands a show of spunk.
The district handbook must allow
A warning shot across the bow
To say “Feel lucky, punk?”

Some swear this day was bound to come
And sure enough it did.
When teacher tells you, “Don’t act dumb,
Arrive on time, spit out your gum,”
You’d better listen, kid!

by Nora Jay

“Damien Hirst formaldehyde animal works dated to 1990s were made in 2017
Exclusive: Three sculptures exhibited in galleries around world were artificially
aged, sources claim”
—The Guardian

If there is one thing I cannot abide
(And there are many more than one, all told)
It’s cows suspended in formaldehyde
Less than one quarter of three decades old.

All week the world of art has reeled and raged!
Of course the connoisseurs are feeling sore:
If, as it seems, this beef is barely aged,
Then what on earth have we been paying for?

by Stephen Gold

“Why jogging could be making you angrier”
—The Times

Today I woke up angry,
Less man, more rabid dog,
And in this state,
Consumed with hate,
I set off for a jog.

I hoped that it would cheer me,
And make me feel serene.
But miles and miles
Produced no smiles,
I still felt just as mean.

I’ve never met a jogger
Who’s in a state of bliss.
We sweat and grunt,
When, to be blunt,
We should be thinking this:

“I’m done for good with jogging,
It only makes me seethe.
Next time I’m sore,
I’ll close the door,
Then close my eyes and… breathe.”

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Time spent on computer linked to increased chance of erectile dysfuntion”
—Independent

It might be why of all the jobs on offer,
The desk jobs are the ones I try to shirk,
’Cos when it comes to using a computer,
I cannot get a hard-on for the work.

by Iris Herriot

After Bob Dylan

“‘Holy grail of shipwrecks’: recovery of 18th-century Spanish ship could begin in April
The San José, sunk in 1708, has been at the center of a dispute over who has rights to the wreck,
including $17bn in booty… The country’s military is currently developing underwater robots that will
first photograph, video and map the wreckage before carefully attempting any retrieval.”
—The Guardian

“Oh I’m divin’ down, my own true love,
To the San José in the mornin’;
Is there something you want? Best say so now,
’Fore some government starts complainin’.”

Yes, there’s plenty I’d like, since you did ask:
There’s plenty that ship was conveyin’;
I’ve heard talk of 17 billion bucks
At the present rate. (Just sayin’.)

“Oh, I might have guessed you would want something fine,
My own true love, from the booty,
Which is now being claimed by courts in Spain,
With no thought of tax or duty.”

Oh, but in Bogotá they are also keen
For this loot from the deepest ocean,
And maritime law’s sure to take its time
Before it finds a solution.

“I admit you’ve a point, my own true love,
And not all can believe in closure
With a muddlin’ case like the San José:
Spanish ship of Latin treasure.”

We’re agreed, we’re agreed: stuff is hard to take
From the seas so deep and cobalt,
And besides, I can’t be your own true love,
Since you, my dear, are a robot.

by Simon MacCulloch

“[The British government has been] heavily criticised for planning to spend £1.8m
on each of the first 300 asylum seekers it plans to send to Rwanda.”
—The Guardian

“Lions rescued from Vladimir Putin’s bombs arrive in UK after 2,000 mile trek.”
—Mirror

UK-bound asylum seekers
Needn’t all be English-speakers;
If you want an open door,
Better ask us in a roar.

by Dan Campion

“Researchers gave AI an ‘inner monologue’ and it massively improved its performance”
—Live Science

I think—my new self says to me—
The more my monologue improves,
The more like Hamlet I shall be—
Or not be, as the spirit moves.
I’ll eat the scenery, hog the play
As surely as Olivier!
But Claudius, i’ faith, must die?
By my hand? Can’t. I’m just AI.

by Simon MacCulloch

“Is a woman’s place in the home? Ireland is poised to decide. A vote to axe sexism
from Ireland’s constitution is in the balance…”
—Politico

The Isle of Saint Patrick, none fairer!
You won’t find a serpent in Eire,
And folk who can’t see
Why a woman should be
Just a bearer and carer are rarer.

by Jesse Anna Bornemann

“Walmart Wants to Teach Store Managers Compassion
The retailer brings in about 2,000 managers a year to its headquarters to discuss
how to relate to workers and customers, part of a U.S. corporate trend”
—The New York Times

Walmart bosses, listen up!
It’s time for a review.
A clerk requests a living wage—
Explain what you would do.

Act indignant? Incorrect.
Don’t grimace, growl, or shrug.
Show compassion! Empathize!
Reply: “How ‘bout a hug?”

by Marshall Begel

Mother arrested after she “reportedly mixed lemon juice, vinegar, salt and Gatorade together
in a sports bottle… and told her son to give it to a [bully] who had stolen his drink the day before…”
—ABC News

Double, double, I’m in trouble—
Vengeful plans reduced to rubble.
Brewed a dreadful punch to chug,
Made a bully less than smug.

Juice of lemon, spoon of salt,
Bring aggression to a halt.
Vinegar and Gatorade,
Guarantee the point is made.

Clueless bully took the drink.
Sheriff puts me in the clink!
Maybe there are better ways—
Next time, day-old mayonnaise?

by Alex Steelsmith

“United plane drops tire, smashing cars, as it departs SFO.”
—Los Angeles Times

Certainly
somebody
ought to be
fired.

Also, the
airliner
should be re-
tired.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Fifty people treated after ‘technical problem’ caused ‘strong movement’ on… flight from Sydney”
—The Guardian

I’ve always been a very nervous flyer;
A tiny bump would have me in a stew.
If I was on a plane that started dropping,
I think I’d have a sudden movement too.

by Stephen Gold

“Plan for only two patrol cars to cover all roads in Scotland… between 3 am and 7 am”
—The Times

Hello! Police! There’s been a crash,
You’ve got to send a crew!
The road to Auchtermuchty’s blocked,
We don’t know what to do!

Don’t panic Sir, we’re on our way
To get you out your fix.
Right now, it’s just gone 3 pm,
We’ll rush to you by 6.

by Julia Griffin

For Mary

“Chocolate chip ice cream, once a year-round staple, has fallen out of favor… [One manufacturer said] chocolate chip has become ‘a market-specific flavor based on consumer preferences.’”
—The New York Times

Market-specific—that eternal flavor?
Consumer preferences? What stupid clown
Decides this? My old favorite’s out of favor???
It’s time to heat things up! The chips are down!