by Felicia Nimue Ackerman

“[T]he journalist and royal commentator Omid Scobie makes an enticing promise [to reveal]
‘some of the darker truths at the heart of the institution of the British monarchy…'”
—The New York Times Book Review

“Enticing” isn’t what I’d say.
So what if they’ve got feet of clay?
This royal gossip’s so inane
It’s giving me a royal pain.

by Steven Kent

“US House Republican says pay bump would attract ‘credible people’ to office”
—The Guardian

Raise minimum wage? We are not on that page,
But a Congressmen’s paycheck won’t feed us.
Our $180K is a pittance today;
Can’t you see, friend, how badly you need us?

A clerk or a waiter can wait till much later
To gain a small raise or a perk here,
But we in D.C. crave a shot of esprit—
Can’t you see, friend, how hard we all work here?

by Eddie Aderne

“Last US lighthouse keeper steps down…
Sally Snowman… retires this weekend from her post looking after the first lighthouse
built in North America, on a tiny island in Boston harbour…”
—The Guardian

The Keeper of the First-Built Light
Departed with the Old Year’s flight:
For as the Old Year turned to flee,
The Keeper felt it bodily;
And as the Keeper’s body bent
It craved a calmer Element;
And since the Elements go on
When human builders all are gone,
And what they build must also go
Like houses lit or men of snow,
Just so the Light must pass at last
The point its Final Keeper passed.

by Marshall Begel

“Pigeon found outside Florida hair salon reunites with owner after 15 months”
—WSVN

I’ve heard “rats with wings” amid scurrilous things
Describing the lowly rock dove,
But harming a pigeon would cross my religion
For he may be somebody’s love.

That lawn-wrecking hole might be home to a mole
That’s cherished by someone or other.
Assume every spider might have eggs inside her,
And people admire a mother.

So don’t predetermine that pests are mere vermin
For all may be precious to some,
Except I cast vetoes on grace for mosquitos—
To hell with that bloodsucking scum!

by Blaze Vestibule

Knopf releases the Collected Poems of Anthony Hecht.

Squawkity-flappity,
Struthio camelus,
Torrent of two-footed,
Two-digit flight,

Cannot compare with the
Polydidactyly
Soon to be flooding the
Annals of Light.

by Barbara Loots

“Here’s a pre-new year prediction: In stores around the nation, children—and their parents—
will stand in line to sit on Santa’s lap and beg him to bring them a different presidential race.”
—Gail Collins in The New York Times

Dear Santa,
When you come this year
we hope you’ll pack your sleigh
with common sense and candidates
prepared to save the day.
The Constitution’s getting old
and looks a little sick—
please send some clever elves to heal
the body politic.
If you’ll bring human rights for all,
we’ll wish for nothing more
and dump the naughty girls and boys
in 2024.

by Iris Herriot

“Colorado thieves ask for lesser charge because items they stole were on sale”
—The Guardian

The stuff that we stole was on sale,
Reducing the incident’s scale:
When profits are leaner,
It’s just “misdemeanor”;
We saved a nice sum for our bail.

by Alex Steelsmith

“Menu signed by Mao Zedong brings a quarter million dollars at auction”
—AP

Biggledy-wiggledy,
China’s economy
once had a communist
chairman named Mao;

now his mere signature’s
marketability
brings in a boatload of
capital. Wao.

by Julia Griffin

“Romeo and Juliet, two elderly manatees, get a happy ending
For months, Romeo, a sexagenarian manatee, spent his days alone swimming in circles in a
small tank at a Miami aquarium. Stuck in another tank was Juliet, also in her 60s, along with a
third manatee. … [A] team of veterinarians and animal care specialists this week transported
Romeo, Juliet and the other manatee, Clarity, to new homes at ZooTampa and SeaWorld in
Orlando, two animal critical care facilities.”
—The Washington Post

Two manatees (plus one, to be exact)
From fair Miami (not completely fair)
Have gone to find the freedom that they lacked,
And also proper veterinary care.
Hauled up, then down, with special cranes and cranks,
Soothed into crates (the best that science boasts),
They’ve zoomed upcoast: zoophilites, give thanks!
ZooTampa and SeaWorld are now their hosts.
There they may swim in something more like seas,
And we can feel a certain righteous glow;
Thank manatees, humanity’s at ease:
For never was a story of less woe
Than this of Romeo and his Juliet!
(And also Clarity, let’s not forget.)

by Dan Campion

“Food-dunking parrots reveal humans are not alone in preferring snacks soggy”
—The Guardian

I do not like a soggy snack.
I want a cracker snappy.
What Polly does takes me aback.
So what? It makes her happy.

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“This is the perfect bum shape, according to science”
—Metro

The optimal butt measurements for males
Had not been well defined, until five glute
Enhancers’ would-be patients picked the tails
On photographs of males they found most cute.
Posterior analysis laid bare
The perfect bum. Two thirds as high as wide,
Its forward angle from the crack to where
Male buttocks start was sixty. From the side,
Ass overhang was perfect when it spanned
Less than a fifth of height … The bottom line:
Beholders plumped for moderation and,
Untouched by surgeons’ knives, your cheeks define
The best for you—but if they’re redesigned,
The tailor’s is the cut to get behind!

by Jerome Betts

“Palm trees that have welcomed visitors to the ‘English Riviera’ for a century
have been cut down without warning in an act that residents have described as
‘pure vandalism’. The felling in Torquay, Devon, has provoked a furious public
outcry and accusations that the council has wrought a ‘soul-destroying’, ‘total
destruction’ of the seaside front.”
—The Guardian

Are the Tories now quite off their chumps?
They’ve created a seafront of stumps!
Is lack of change always embalming?
What’s behind such a drastic depalming?
Torquay grieves for trees, centenarians,
Foully felled by the council barbarians!

by Philip Kitcher

“College Presidents slammed…”
“Karl Rove rips Hunter Biden…”
“KJP blows up when pressed…”
“Paige Spiranac fires back…”
“Republicans blast Biden…”
“Tim Allen slammed by ‘The Santa Clauses’ co-star”
—Fox News Headlines

Lamestream media’s silence may charm.
Here at Fox, we must sound the alarm.
For we think it’s high time
People learned about crime,
And the rate of Gross Bodily Harm.

by Clyde Always

“An Aberdeen Angus cow… was born with an extra leg growing from his forehead,
which saved him from going to the slaughterhouse.”
—PetHelpful

Boeuffity-hoofity!
Aberdeen Anguses,
bred for their flesh on which
gladly we sup,

envy their fellow whose
cephalomelia
spared him from slaughter (he
had a leg up).

by Nora Jay

“Trump offers scraps of his indictment outfit for $4,699.53 a pop …
The suit, according to the website description, is ‘the most historically significant
artifact in United States history’.”
—The Guardian

Big year-end sale! Step up and beat the crowd!
Behold, complete with holy orange gloss,
Relics™! Forget the Turist Shroud;
That’s so last year, likewise the Truthy Cross.
This is the biggest bargain in the States—
A prize for all who faithfully believe;
Your cut-rate scrap of history awaits,
It won’t cost you an arm to share my sleeve!
Tie-snippets not included in the price.
(You want to haggle? Sorry, folks. No dice.)