by Clyde Always

“Memphis man in bed with lady friend shot in leg—and claims dog pulled the trigger”
—New York Post

A puppy (though don’t ask me how)
put a gun to his owner and—POW!
Then, once the smoke cleared,
it’s likely he jeered:
“Hey Buddy, who’s playin’ dead, now?”

by Julia Griffin

“Norfolk woman refuses to hand over 16th-century Italian painting identified as stolen…
Barbara De Dozsa’s husband bought Madonna and Child by Antonio Solario in 1973
after it was stolen from a museum”
—The Guardian

Antonio “The Gypsy,” tinker’s son,
Venetian painter of indifferent fame,
Painted St. Benedict in Naples, came,
Apparently, to England, painted one
Virgin and Child in Birmingham; that done,
Most probably went home. Sometimes his name
Gets muddled with another’s, much the same;
Thus far the facts. But now begins the fun.
Another of his Virgins, gained by theft,
Was sold, and the possessor seeks to squash
The suit of the museum thus bereft:
Her name’s De Dosza, and she’s seeking dosh.
But none will buy, and she won’t give, or show.
At least we’ve heard now of Antonio.

by Alex Steelsmith

“[T]ariffs could be good for some countries…”
—BBC

“[T]ariff threats generate ‘fear…’”
—CBC

Claims have been made, though they’re not scientific,
that tariffs can make you feel simply tariffic.
Other assertions, which haven’t been verified,
caution that tariffs can make you feel tariffied.

by Susan McLean

I believe in the power of the pose.
It’s a photo op. Were you expecting prayers?
The Bible’s just a book—and who reads those?

I believe in the laws of CEOs.
Whose judgment counts, the courts’ or billionaires’?
I believe in my power to oppose

our longtime allies, and suck up to foes.
You give your word, you break it—no one cares.
Treaties are merely words—and who reads those?

I believe in resentment, how it grows
in those who’ve lost the perks they see as theirs.
I stoke that rage and use it to dispose

of designated vermin. Techno bros
are keen to help. Their troop of hackers spares
no one. Commitments bore me—who needs those?

I believe that veterans are schmoes:
a wise man stays at home and counts his shares.
Their safety net’s less firm than they suppose.
Ethics are for the weak—and who needs those?

by Bruce Bennett

“Donald Trump yesterday did an unseemly, self-serving… business advertisement
for his number one political patron on the White House lawn: Elon Musk.”
—Sen. Chuck Schumer

Unseemly? Why? Why shouldn’t the White House be
a place where Musk can advertise for free?

by Dan Campion

“Saturn Gains 128 New Moons, Bringing Its Total to 274”
—The New York Times

It lacks the magic MAGA touch,
With goons and loons so fine.
Small wonder Saturn, mooned so much,
Has turned out saturnine.

by Clyde Always

“Florida man swallows $769K stolen diamond earrings from Tiffany & Co,
asks cops if he’ll be charged for ‘what’s in my stomach’”
—New York Post

I was jolted, as off to the pokey I went,
by the deepest of all my epiphanies:
that swallowing jewelry’s not what they meant
when they titled it “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”

by Stephen Gold

“UK Ministers stand by invitation for Trump to visit King Charles”
—The Times

It seems, despite one’s lofty station,
In order to protect one’s nation,
One has to hold one’s noble nose,
Try not to curl one’s stately toes,
And welcome “warmly” to one’s palace
An orange blob of bile and malice.

So, though I know it won’t be pleasant
To butter up this preening peasant,
I’ll grit my teeth, extend my hand,
Bring out the troops, the coach, the band,
And with Britannia’s dearest pal,
Ride arm-in-arm along the Mall.

Alas, it has to be this way.
Thank God it’s only for a day!
To be a king can be a curse,
But I suppose it could be worse,
For soon, the time will come, I fear,
To do the same for Vladimir.

by Marshall Begel

“Man Pretending to Be Captain Arrested After Stealing $8-Million Fishing Boat
with the Crew Still Aboard”
—Outdoor Life

(With apologies to Walt Whitman)

Faux Captain! my Captain! You ordered us to post.
You knew the craft from helm to aft and steered us from the coast.
You shouted out your orders and this faithful crew obeyed,
Though puzzled by your ignorance about the fishing trade.
But O gall! gall! gall!
Your masquerade was bound to fail.
At mention of the mother ship,
You doomed your ass to jail.

by Philip Kitcher

“[M]any of his comments included false and misleading information.”
—The Associated Press

Reporters often find it takes too long
to pinpoint all the statements he gets wrong.
The remedy? Since they are rather few,
just list the ones that qualify as true.

by Julia Griffin

“Athena, a probe launched by the Texas-based company Intuitive Machines (IM)
last month, touched down about 250 miles from its intended landing site
near the moon’s south pole on Thursday … showing an ‘incorrect attitude’. …
On Friday… IM declared Athena dead.”
—The Guardian

The Grey-Eyed One, offspring of Zeus’s brain,
Goddess and comrade, bounty-giver, guide
To heroes, prompt to succor and sustain:
She, say Intuitive Machines, has died.
She missed the Moon’s south pole. I would expect
She leaned out of a window, since we learn
Alas, her attitude was incorrect.
At any rate, don’t hope she will return.
A goddess gone! Athena, brave and wise!

I’d like to say this came as a surprise.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Experts say being nice is good for you. After two weeks of praising people
I can feel the difference”
—The Telegraph

And even if a fortnight doing nothing
But singing people’s praises like a choir
Is not enough to perk you up completely,
At least you’ll be a more accomplished liar.

by Alex Steelsmith

“[T]he ongoing bird flu crisis continues… and eggs become pricier and harder to find…”
—Comstock’s Magazine

Higgledy-eggledy,
avian flu virus
stays in the headlines; the
story has legs.

Maybe by Easter we’ll
semi-ironically
find that we’re no longer
hunting for eggs.

by Steven Kent

“Chinese Company to Single Workers: Get Married or Get Out”
—The New York Times

Forgive our small intrusion on your life:
You’d like to keep this job? Go get a wife,
Show up on time, work hard, be ever-loyal,
Then run right home and make a boy or goyal.

by Dan Campion

“Trove of Ancient Axes Shows Early Humans Made Tools From Bones”
—The New York Times

What’s different now? We hear our chiefs
Rake up old bones, and swing their blades
At friend and foe to guard their fiefs.
Boneheaded instinct never fades.