by Felicia Nimue Ackerman
“‘I’m acutely aware that I’m, you know, could go any day now but I don’t know why
it doesn’t concern me,’ [99-year-old] Van Dyke says. ‘I’m not afraid of it.'”
—The New York Times
I know we’re all supposed to say
We’re not afraid to die.
But when you claim to feel that way,
I want to ask you why.
You think it’s fine to step aside
Because your work is done?
No way I’ll take that as my guide—
I’m having too much fun!
by Gail White
“Collector eats world-famous 6.2 million dollar banana”
—CNN
When I was young, before I knew what art was all about,
I tried to charge a million dollars for a Brussels sprout.
I put it on a pedestal and placed it under glass,
but all the critics told me not to be a silly ass.
I little knew that all the wealth I dreamed of would befall
if only I had duct-taped a banana to the wall.
I could have sold that sucker for 6 million (lucky me!)
to some fat cat whose billions came from cryptocurrency.
And he’d have eaten it before it had a chance to rot,
but I’d have said, “Who cares?” while spending all the dough I’d got!
I’m feeling quite embittered at the way my life turned out…
I might have gone bananas, but I backed a Brussels sprout.
by Dan Campion
“Archaeologists Uncover 60,000-Year-Old Complex Structure Created by Neanderthals”
—SciTechDaily
Oh, how the headline raised my hope
Neanderthals had built
A Parthenon! What depth! What scope!
Why do my spirits wilt?
Sad news. The “structure” underground,
So long detached from view,
Was apt but somewhat less profound:
A pit for making glue.
by Julia Griffin
“Vandals Destroy Ebenezer Scrooge’s Fictional Tombstone Featured in a Film Adaptation of ‘A Christmas Carol’”
—Smithsonian
He saved his curtains; not, alas, his grave,
Now smashed to pieces. What a shock for him!
He’d thought the world embraced him and forgave:
He helped the Cratchits, cherished Tiny Tim,
Showered charity on all, and turkeys too,
Kept Christmas all year round—yet still that huge,
Appalling fear, the unloved tomb, came true.
No friends remain for EBENEZER SCROOGE.
So it appeared. But look again: you’ll find
Full restitution, gratis! It turns out
All that’s required of us is to be kind;
Scrooge learned the lesson, put those ghouls to rout,
And passed it on to us. The harm’s undone;
The name’s made new. God bless us, every one!
by Bruce Bennett
“There’s only so much resistance that Republican senators can muster.
Only so many times that lap dogs this thoroughly muzzled can bark.”
—op-ed in The New York Times
Do not expect a bloodbath.
There won’t be barks and yaps.
These tamed dogs will stay quiet.
Oh, just a few perhaps
May growl a bit or whimper
to show the way they feel,
but they will still stay muzzled
and, when they’re told to, heel.
by Marshall Begel
“Target gives Santa Claus a ‘weirdly hot’ makeover in viral ad”
—The Independent
There’s a rumor that Santa has got a new look
aimed at middle-aged women, attempting to hook
them with various fanciful products (if bought, he
might list them as someone a little bit naughty).
So, whether you’re needing a hand from an elf or
prefer to go solo (a do-it-yourself-er),
New Santa leaves other stores looking diminished
By guiding your efforts until you have finished.
Forget about sugar plums, milk and a cookie—
This year you’ll have visions of Santa Claus nookie.
by Alex Steelsmith
“World’s largest iced latte served in 11-foot-high cup… to break the Guinness World Record
… [and portioned out] to more than 300 [people].”
—UPI
Happy, snappy
latte lovers
saw their chance and
took a shot.
How much latte
fit inside the
record-breaking
cup? A latt.
by Stephen Gold
“Good heavens! Work starts on Família’s spire after 140 years.”
—The Times
As we gawp at Gaudi’s vision inching slowly to the skies,
That it’s still unfinished business shouldn’t come as a surprise.
For as anyone who’s ever used a builder will recall,
Delays like this are only too familia to us all.
—BBC
by Bruce Bennett
Hooray for Wisdom! May she thrive!
Not only is she still alive,
She’s laid an egg and has a mate.
She’s proof that it is not too late
At any age to play the game.
Buck up! It could be just the same
for you. Unfold your wings and soar.
Have flings. Dance jigs. Live more, and more!
Don’t let them tell you you are through.
That wouldn’t be fair and isn’t true!
Age brings great joy, as well as loss.
At least, if you’re an albatross.
by Gail White
Orcas have begun to wear dead salmon as hats, a trend not seen since the 80s.
—multiple sources
Killer whales are lately found
wearing hats in Puget Sound.
Large and shiny, curled or flat,
salmon is the favored hat.
Orcas envy every friend
who can sport this fashion trend.
So what if salmon goes to waste?
There are other kinds of “taste.”
Soon, from Maine to South Majorca,
we’ll see hats on every orca.
by Julia Griffin
“‘A very poor idea’: Julia Roberts rejected Richard Curtis’s proposed Notting Hill divorce sequel.
[However,] Hugh Grant was happy to prove the lie of a happy ending for his ‘despicable’ character”
—The Guardian
When William and Anna tied the knot in Notting Hill,
A world of women wept with joy. Myself, I’m weeping still
To think that Anna—hugely rich, divine in every limb,
And famous as the Moon—should find a man as nice as him:
A man for whom his little sister’s birthday had more worth
Than some enchanted evening with the hottest date on earth;
Whose oath was “Whoopsy-Daisy!” and default reaction “Sorry”—
How fortunate the film star who could capture such a quarry!
But now it seems their author, far from being so bewitched,
Was planning out a sequel where the two would be unhitched;
And Hugh, once Will, applauded this, envisaging with glee
Unhappy children, lawyers’ tricks, and all-round misery.
So honor Anna-Julia, who still can recognize
That niceness isn’t something that the married should despise,
And gentle bookmen don’t deserve your taking of the mickey—
Not even if your bio rates 12,000 words on Wiki.
To do so ranks among those very poor ideas which
Are no less often to be found among the very rich:
A sneeriness whose value proved to be precisely nil
When William and Anna tied the knot in Notting Hill.
by Chris O’Carroll
“I was at the bottom of my class. I started doing heroin, and I went to the top
of my class. Suddenly I could sit still, and I could read and I could concentrate.
I could listen to what people were saying.”
—Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.
A shot is bad, the new health czar is keen
To tell us, when that shot is a vaccine,
But we can amp our grades if we begin
As he did, with a hit of heroin.
by Philip Kitcher
Renaissance nobles stocked a cabinet
with scientific curiosities,
odd objects from around the world—and yet
not half as curious as these.
by Ruth S. Baker
“Elusive deer spotted wearing high-vis jacket in Canada: ‘Who is responsible?’”
—The Guardian
Said Santa: “I’ve waited an eon
For deer to get jackets of neon!
A single red nose
Can’t do much in big snows:
And as for a logo, put me on.”
by Alex Steelsmith
“‘I practiced orthopedic surgery for almost 45 years and originally used plaster casts for fractures. Now, every orthopedist
uses fiberglass casts—an entirely different technique…'”
—BuzzFeed
Dated, fated,
casts of plaster
have at last been
cast aside.
Orthopedists
say the die is
cast; the plaster
cast has died.
*This is (to our knowledge) the second-ever published double trochee. The first is here, and Alex’s guidelines for writing one are here. — Eds.