by Alex Steelsmith
“America’s Most Prolific Logger Recasts Itself as Environmental Do-Gooder…
Although [it] is cutting down as many trees as ever and plans to increase lumber production…”
—The Wall Street Journal
Readily, steadily,
timber productiveness
rises, and annual
profits have jumped;
born-again heroes of
biodiversity,
loggers look good and their
critics are stumped.
by James Higgins
“[A]nti-abortion groups are citing the ideas of a 19th-century ‘vice reformer'”
—NPR
The Comstock Act viewed as salacious and lewd
peoples’ mailing all tools of abortion,
meaning dilators, speculums, catheters, too…
and that’s but a minuscule portion.
Does all this entail I shall wind up in jail
if I’m caught buying coat hangers via the mail…?
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“End of care doctor reveals the things patients say in their last words”
—Daily Mail
I hope I greet the Reaper on my deathbed
With something witty, full of vim and sass,
Not standing at a stairhead and exclaiming,
“These varifocal lenses are fantas–”.
by Bruce Bennett
“[New York City Mayor Eric Adams has named] Kathleen Corradi as the city’s rat czar.
‘The rats are going to hate Kathy,’ said Adams.”
—The New York Times
The Rat Czar is ready to roll!
The City’s exerting control.
The rats can sense doom.
They feel their end loom.
Their numbers will soon pay the toll.
This isn’t just PR or hype.
The time is at last more than ripe.
Get ready. Get set.
Go on. Place your bet.
The Piper has picked up her pipe.
by Steven Kent
“For Ron DeSantis, Overflowing War Chest Obscures the Challenges Ahead”
—The New York Times
He’s got the looks, the wife and kids; he served.
His moves are bold; he’s never, ever swerved.
The faithful cheered him loudly when he spoke
Declaring culture war, attacking “woke.”
With coffers full, he’s ready in the main
To wage a winning ’24 campaign.
He sports a perfect MAGA pedigree;
Too bad nobody likes the SOB.
by Julia Griffin
“Florida teacher fired for asking students to pen [their own] obituaries for active shooter drill”
—The Guardian
Here we lie, Orlando’s young.
Outrage pours from every tongue,
While each politician shares
Prayers and thoughts and thoughts and prayers.
I was nearly seventeen,
Which is more than some have been.
Ask DeSantis, passer by,
How he thinks a child should die.
Mourn for me but don’t, for shame,
Think about assigning blame
Just because the GOP
Loved its firearms more than me.
Guards patrolled our school all day;
Shooter got us anyway.
Buy a better, bigger gun!
That is all that can be done.
These obituaries made
Legislators quite afraid.
Who imposed this? they inquired,
Found the teacher, charged, and fired.
Stranger, learn what killed Grade Six:
Bullets, pride, and politics.
Tell our rulers, when they cry:
We lie still while you still lie.
by Dan Campion
“Virginia Fifth Grader Is Celebrated for Spotting Textbook’s Error”
—The New York Times
A young phenomenologist
Perceived within his book
Two rock types mixed up. Holy schist!
He took a closer look.
Yep, there can’t be a speck of doubt.
His teacher lit some fires,
And now the wrinkle’s ironed out.
All praise to Liam Squires!
by Alex Steelsmith
“[A] Polish-American artist… is training a trio of robotic dogs to paint autonomously…
‘The project… is pushing the boundaries of my art practice’…”
—Artnet
Stippledy, drippledy
canine automatons
painting on canvases
seems like a stretch.
Should they be classified
neopostmodernist?
Will we be shocked by the
prices they fetch?
by Iris Herriot
“‘It’s called stealing’: new allegations of plagiarism against Roy Lichtenstein
Pop art founder made millions, but the comic book artists he copied struggled financially…
Lichtenstein himself said: ‘My work has been accused of looking like the things that I copy,
and it certainly does look like the things I copy… But it is that quality, whatever art is,
that transforms the work of art to be something different.”
—The Guardian
My work does look much like the things I copy,
So some who made those things are getting stroppy.
But it’s that quality, whatever art is,
That makes me different from those other parties.
What takes a 4-cent comic and transforms it,
Engages the artistic world and storms it?
That quality is hard to be precise on,
But fortunately not to put a price on.
by Martin F. Kohn
“We’re hosting our FIRST EVER poetry contest and inviting poets of all levels to participate.
The theme of the contest is plumbing…”
—A Facebook post from the Benjamin Franklin Plumbing Company, of Dallas
Odists, bards and troubadours,
Get to it, no more stalling.
Set aside your daily chores,
The pipes, the pipes are calling.
by Steven Kent
“The Abortion Ban Backlash Is Starting to Freak Out Republicans”
—The New York Times
We sought to win election fights
Through stripping women of their rights
And tried to build our voting bloc
By turning, turning back the clock,
But now I fear we’ve dropped the ball:
They don’t seem happy, not at all,
These modern women (Red and Blue).
Our vision isn’t theirs—who knew?
by Clyde Always
“Saucon Valley is not the only American community bedeviled by Satan clubs.”
—Reason
Clippity-skippity,
After School Satan Clubs
must be allowed, says the
ACLU.
People denying these
extracurriculars’
harmlessness won’t give the
Devil his due.
by Nora Jay
“‘Unreliable splatter’: Vatican exorcists denounce Russell Crowe’s Pope’s Exorcist …
The real Amorth was an antifascist partisan in the second world war who claimed
to have performed 60,000 lesser and major exorcisms throughout his life,
talking to the devil ‘every day’ (who would respond ‘in Italian’).”
—The Guardian
“Come sta, Diavolino?”
Quoth Amorth (best known as “Volt”).
“No mere laymen know what we know:
Watch him gasp, turn heel, and bolt!
“When I start my holy patter,
Addio, Lucifero!
He ignores the pseudo-splatter
Offered up by Russell Crowe.
“Only licensed, bona fide
Paid-up exorcists know how.
Here’s your soul back, clean and tidy.
Guarda te, Satana. Ciao!”
by Alex Steelsmith
“Researchers [plan to] create ‘organoid intelligence,’ or OI… [using] samples of human tissue to grow
small collections of brain cells that they could use in place of standard silicon computer chips… [OI]
brings up plenty of thorny ethical considerations. Is it okay to use people’s cells to make computers?
Could a computer made of human cells develop a consciousness?… [I]s it okay to keep that
consciousness locked into the role of a computer?”
—Popular Mechanics
Quandary-pondering
serious ethicists,
hearing the news with a
sense of dismay,
don’t even bother with
deontological
arguments; all they can
say is, “OI vey.”
Doubledy-troubledy
organoid researchers
might give you angst, though you’ll
probably find
critical comments work
counterproductively;
best not to give them a
piece of your mind.
by Bruce Bennett
“As a generation of Emilys enters adulthood, perhaps you’ve noticed the name in the air—
and on TV, in film and in songs.”
—The New York Times
“I’m Emily! Who are you?
Are you – Emily – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! They’d pester us – you know!
How dreary – to be – Emma!
Sophia – Carol – Joan –
Just keep your mouth shut – Don’t let on –
Then they’ll – leave us – alone!