by Marshall Begel
“Harry Styles stalker jailed for sending him 8,000 cards in a month”
—The Guardian
She sent a celebrity eight thousand letters.
Convicted of stalking, she’s shackled in fetters.
To stay out of trouble, I won’t cross that line—
I’ll send seven thousand…
…and nine ninety-nine!
by Dan Campion
“After Months of Gibberish, Voyager 1 Is Communicating Well Again”
—Scientific American
Alone in desert waste immense,
Dear Voyager, you’re making sense.
Would that, back here where dunces dwell,
We could communicate so well.
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“How to help reduce climate change by what you eat”
—BBC
It needn’t mean a drastic change in diet,
Like cutting down on meat and guzzling greens;
A modest change can help to curb emissions—
Try cutting back a bit on refried beans.
by Nora Jay
“Centuries-old cherries found hidden in bottles under floor at George Washington’s home
Archaeologist says cherries ‘can provide us with valuable insight and perspective into 18th
century lives’”
—The Guardian
When Georgie took his little axe
And felled his father’s favorite tree,
The fruit fell with it. Friends, relax!
It was not wasted, as you see.
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“‘Male’ hippo in Japan zoo found to be female after 7 years”
—BBC
What first aroused a keeper to suspect it,
Were little things that seemed unmasculine;
Like when it met another female hippo,
It didn’t try to suck its belly in.
by Steven Kent
“Belgian man whose body makes its own alcohol cleared of drunk-driving”
—The Guardian
It’s bottoms up, my friends;
This party never ends.
The syndrome that I’ve got
Means I can do a “shot”
At work, home, or a club—
The world is one big pub!
by Julia Griffin
“The Simpsons has killed off beloved character Larry the Barfly after 35 years”
—Digital Spy
“Larry was—around”
—Moe’s regular Carl Carlson
He sat out half the journey of man’s life
At Moe’s. He liked Duff beer (so we assume).
He had no other pleasures, job, or wife
We know of—just an aged mother whom
We met (quite awkward) at his funeral,
Thanking his friends: Carl, Lenny, Homer, Moe.
They did show up, though clearly it took all
Stern Marge’s will to make her husband go
On Larry’s final road trip, with his urn.
Then what? No sooner had the poor late slob
Been burned than matters took a comic turn,
With fake cops, stolen jewels, and the Mob.
At least he reached Serenity. Sleep sound,
Old pal. As Carl observed, you were—around.
by Julia Griffin
“Seven men and five women have been chosen to sit on the jury in the ex-president’s
hush-money trial. Here’s what we know”
—The Guardian
J 1: works in sales; married; childless; BA.
J 2: MBA; in investments; well-read.
J 3: west-coast lawyer; late 20s (some say);
J 4: two-time juror; unbiased (he’s said).
J 5: youthful; unlike her friends, lacks strong views;
J 6: works in tech; single; swears to be fair;
J 7: kids; lawyer; reads wide range of news;
J 8: strong opinions, won’t prejudge (he’ll swear).
J 9: knows no law; lives alone; Garden State.
J 10: listens only to podcasts on Psych.
J number 11: likes comedy, late.
J 12: favors sports and religion alike.
Twelve jurors, all good and officially true,
To judge Donald Trump. Just be glad they’re not you.
by Simon MacCulloch
“Outside of his historic first criminal trial, Trump’s supporters ask: Who among us hasn’t paid for sex?”
—The Independent
An interesting question, but it always seemed to me
That Donald’s point was that a star like him could get it free.
by Stephen Gold
For the worldwide Jewish nation,
Pesach’s time for celebration
Of our joyous liberation.
But we suffer grave privation,
To our constant consternation,
As the annual abnegation
Of our fiber allocation
Always leads to constipation
In the whole damn congregation!
by Alex Steelsmith
“An escaped racehorse made its way to a train station… before attempting to board a train…”
—UPI
Here’s how the
incident
might be ex-
plained:
Sometimes an
animal
needs to be
trained.
by Ruth S. Baker
“Secrets of the humbling, many-hearted octopus”
—National Geographic
The many-hearted octopus
Is also blessed with many brains:
It generates domestic fuss
By sliding up the pipes of drains.
The octopus’s braininess
Is hard for us to comprehend;
We lack the skill to self-compress
Enough to climb a U-shaped bend.
But, granting that its mental span
Exceeds the cleverest of us,
Let’s humbly pity (all we can)
A broken-hearted octopus.
by Marshall Begel
“Mocking the Abrdn name is ‘corporate bullying’, says chief investment officer.
Peter Branner accuses press of making ‘childish jokes’ about rebrand,
which would not be acceptable if firm was a person”
—The Guardian
No wdgies, ngies, snpping towls—
We bully by deltng vowls.
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“A stressful job could stave off dementia, according to new analysis”
—Daily Mail
What helps arrest the progress of dementia,
Before it has a chance to do its worst,
Is less the stressful job that keeps you thinking,
And more the heart attack that kills you first.
by Julia Griffin
“Brazilian woman arrested after taking corpse to sign bank loan: ‘She knew he was dead’
“This is the last straw … This goes beyond all limits because there can be no doubt … about
the difference between a living person and a dead person,” [a journalist] said.”
—The Guardian
LP: warm body temperature; veins pulsing; blood at work.
DP: pervasive chilliness; internal bits on hold.
LP: spleen working; bladder filling; limbs inclined to jerk.
DP: no growth (save hair and nails); skin (have I mentioned?) cold.
LP: emotion; memory; a tendency to aches.
DP: quiescence; stiffness; similarity to wax.
LP: responsibilities; fatigue, for goodness’ sakes!
DP: sequestered property; immunity to tax.
LP: infection forming; self-propulsion; joy and pain.
DP: no phlegm; no itch; no bruises; eyeballs turned to blanks.
LP: warm heart (for good or bad); (likewise) responding brain.
DP: no fear of death; some fear of fraudulence in banks.
LP: I know the difference! I prefer to be this way.
DP: What I prefer, and know, I do not choose to say.