by Steven Kent

“‘Brown gold’: the great American manure rush begins…
The energy industry is transforming mounds of manure into a lucrative ‘carbon negative fuel’
capable of powering everything from municipal buses to cargo trucks.”
—The Guardian

Our options, ever fewer,
Remunerate the doer—
The energy pursuer
Is now a dung accruer.
No truth was ever truer:
The future is manure.

by Alex Steelsmith

“A newfound species of frog doesn’t ribbit. In fact, it doesn’t make any sound at all. …
It joins a group of seven other voiceless frog species… [that] are endangered or vulnerable.”
—Science News

Froggily-boggily,
voiceless amphibians
hiding in waterways
silently soak.

Paradox: given their
vulnerability,
scientists worry the
species will croak.

by Philip Kitcher

“Taking Aim at Trump, Koch Network Will Back G.O.P. Primary Candidates”
—The New York Times

Dear Plutocrats,
We’re going broke.
The GOP’s becoming lax,
obsessed with being anti-woke.
It’s time for us to wield the axe,
fell Donald with a single stroke.
We need to target friendly PACs,
who’ll help support productive folk,
adept at using legal cracks,
liberty-lovers who’ll revoke
the evil urge to TAX and TAX.

Let’s throw off socialism’s yoke,
let’s multiply the chimney stacks,
forbid the foolish fear of smoke,
find leaders who will mind our backs,
stand for the Right, and never choke,
repel the Lefties’ vile attacks,
and spread the gospel Milton spoke:
LET’S KILL THE CORPORATION TAX!!
Let freedom ring!
Yours,
Charlie Koch

by Clyde Always

“Daniela Rendon, a luxury realtor in Florida, has been charged with fraudulently obtaining
$381,000 in Covid-relief loans. … [Government exhibits included] screen grabs from Rendon’s social media
showing her boarding a private jet…”
—Rolling Stone

Scam Uncle Sam?
Lay off the Gram.

by Julia Griffin

“Tiny [17th century] notebook by ‘first Shakespeare geek’ to go on show in Stratford…
The notebook was transcribed by Prof Tiffany Stern … [who] discovered that it was all the more intriguing
because the most famous quotes were ignored… . [T]he notebook’s author overlooked Hamlet’s ‘to be, or not to be’,
preferring a description of kneeling [that he quoted as] ‘Crooke ye pregnant hindges of ye knee’.”
—The Guardian

The Geek began the taste for Bardic bindges.
Although his judgment might excite your crindges,
Be grateful, geeky Moderns: stop those whindges;
Kneel down in honor! Crooke ye pregnant hindges!

by Dan Campion

“The Biggest Penguin That Ever Existed Was a ‘Monster Bird’”
—The New York Times

Tuxedo fittings? Beastly slow,
For Fred Astaires these birds were not.
Three hundred forty pounds or so
Of ancient penguin is a lot.

by Felicia Nimue Ackerman

“Mortality and renewal are nature’s great gifts to all the species.”
—Opinion in The Boston Globe

Mortality’s a gift,
You earnestly declare.
So let’s avoid a rift—
You’re welcome to my share.

by Clyde Always

“Officials in New Zealand announced this week that they have completed
a massive seizure of cocaine at sea, calling it a ‘major financial blow’
to producers and traffickers of the drug.“
—High Times

Bootily, tootily,
Kiwi authorities
captured a boatload of
kilos and felt

lively enough to then
(idiomatically)
boast of the powerful
blow they had dealt.

by Mark Raffman

“[T]he 110-acre liberal arts school… finds itself in the national spotlight, thrust into the culture wars after Gov. Ron DeSantis announced the appointment of six noted conservatives to its board of trustees…”
—Tampa Bay Times

Old Board Member:
A theorem by Pythagoras? It’s ancient and it’s stale.
Who needs another dictate by a white cisgendered male?

New Board Appointee:
The end of “woke arithmetic” is surely now in sight.
We’ll study all the angles, just as long as they are right.

by Steven Kent

“AP apologises and deletes widely mocked tweet about ‘the French'”
—The Guardian

Let’s clarify as well as we are able:
The French is simply not a proper label.
Our bad—we bear the blame, we bear it all.
“What nerve!” they sniff. “Mon Dieu, mon Dieu, the Gaul!”

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“Striking workers disrupted deliveries, public transport and schools…
in a second nationwide protest over President Emmanuel Macron’s plan to make French workers
wait longer before retirement.”
—The Independent

It’s too un-French to work till sixty-four.
The sacred social contract validates
State pensions once you’re sixty-two, no more,
To fund your golden years. In other states
Of Europe, they may work till sixty-six
Or more, but if you constantly perform
Up frigid roofs, or down a trench with picks—
Not in an office, where your bum stays warm
From sitting in a comfy armchair—then
Retirement can’t come soon enough … Relent,
Emmanuel, or we will strike again!
Not one of us believes the pot is spent
Completely, that’s why France forbids you to
Hike pension age—it’s too un-French to do!

by Clyde Always

“It’s Time To Legalize Haggis…
An American medical doctor and author has petitioned the U.S. Department of Agriculture,
asking the agency to lift a decades-old rule banning the use of lungs in food.”
—Reason

American as apple pie.
Scottish as alveoli?

by Julia Griffin

“Canadian groundhog Fred la Marmotte found dead before planned prediction
Status of spring undetermined in northern Quebec after rodent prognosticator discovered dead
in burrow during festivities”
—The Guardian

Let’s mourn the Canadian groundhog,
Fantabulous Fred la Marmotte,
That ever-predictively sound hog
Who knew what forecasters do not.
His secret researches were thorough,
He never delivered on spec,
But now he lies dead in his burrow
And all are perplexed in Quebec.
It’s minus sixteen and descending;
On Sunday some say it will snow;
But what is the point of pretending?
It’s winter, or not. We don’t know.

by Paul Lander

The A-Team premiered
so long ago, it’s now the
AARP Team.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“[Chancellor] Jeremy Hunt weighs up tax breaks for retired people who return to work…”
—The i

I portered in a hospital, the biggest in Dundee;
I often went for hours without a seat.
And when it got less busy and I finally could pee,
The recoil nearly knocked me off my feet.

So what would tempt me back is if they let me glut my taste
For dresses with the crinoline inside ’em;
Then fit me with a catheter and hang around my waist
Collection bags—the dress will serve to hide ’em.

Now when it comes to portering, I’m not a man for joshing:
Not only will the urine bags not show,
The petticoats will rustle, which will hide the noise of sloshing,
And sweep the floor of rubbish as I go.