by Stephen Gold

“Lawyers with brain chip implants will be better, faster and cheaper”
—The Times

When matters judicial arise,
It may come as a nasty surprise
To discover one’s brain
Is a source of disdain,
And is far from its optimum size.

For a lawyer who isn’t bionic
Will be cruelly dismissed as moronic.
We shall live in an age
Where one cannot be sage
If one’s noggin is not electronic.

With this chip, I shall reason with ease,
And concoct irresistible pleas.
Though it won’t stop my clients
Exuding defiance
When computing the size of my fees!

by Steve Bremner

“CDC, under fire, lays out plan to become more nimble and accountable.
‘In our big moment, our performance did not reliably meet expectations,’
[Director Rochelle] Walensky acknowledges.”
—The Washington Post

Daringly caringly
Madam Director vows
Action, agility,
Timeliness too,

Closing the stable door
Hyperaccountably.
Shame that the horse is now
Dog food and glue.

by Alex Steelsmith

“Salman Rushdie ‘on the road to recovery’…”
—AP

We welcome the news about
Rushdie’s recovery;
feeling relieved, we
collectively sigh.

He was rushed by the suspect
and rushed to the doctor,
but Rushdie’s alive, and in
no rush to die.

by Scot Slaby

“Seven people experiencing homelessness were given HK$101.10 in compensation from the government
for tossing away their bedding, clothing and other personal belongings during a cleaning
and anti-crime operation at Tung Chau Street Park in December 2019.”
—Hong Kong Free Press

We’re sorry we snatched your belongings
and deprived you of blankets and tents.
We’re sorry we took precious keepsakes.
Here’s $12.88.

by Pat D’Amico

“Balenciaga is selling an $1800 trash bag that ‘looks exactly like a Hefty bag
you’d use in your kitchen'”
—Business Insider

Balenciaga sells a bag
That costs almost two K
For ladies of the upper crust
To carry and display.
Designer duds inform the world
Of monetary health.
What better way to loudly say,
“I have disposable wealth.”

—The New York Times

by Steven Kent

The grass is always greener, someone said,
But now we know that Graz is really Red.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Love is telling your partner what an awful day you’ve had:
Study finds moaning to your significant other can bring you both closer”
—Daily Mail

If I’d a mate who, while we both undressed,
Would listen to me whining like a cur,
I might not feel so buttoned-up and stressed.
But then I’d have to do the same for her—
And that would leave me even more depressed.

I’m far too mean to share another’s woe.
I need a mate with patience by the ton
Who never moans because she’s never low.
So basically I’m looking for a nun
Who’s permanently blissed from smoking blow.

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“Hail Mary! Statue’s trip down the Wye raises chicken pollution issue”
—The Guardian

Along the River Wye, we wonder why
We see a strange contraption move downstream:
A statue on canoes is paddled by
Riparian enthusiasts, who seem
Encouraged by attention they have won
Nearby. But why? The Belmont Abbey choir
Erupts in plainsong when those gents are done,
Suggesting that their goal is to acquire
Some faithful … Yet, it’s not to fill the pews:
Our Lady of the Waters and the Wye
Floats down a Wye chock-full of chicken poos,
Which calls for ruffling feathers perched on high.
You can’t raise Wye awareness till you plot
Events that look quite bonkers but … are not?

by Julia Griffin

“Japanese nurseries’ take-home dirty nappy rule perplexes parents …
The chief ‘offender’ was Shiga prefecture in western Japan, where 89% of nursery
facilities asked parents to take their child’s nappies home…”
—The Guardian

The nurseries of west Japan are happy
To host a child, but not to scrap a nappy.
Their mothers thus discover, all too soon:
Who lays the diaper does not call the tune.

by Felicia Nimue Ackerman

Time for fanfare, time for flash,
Time to honor Ogden Nash.
Lively, innovative, clever—
Humdrum absolutely never.
Nash is great when you’re dejected,
Since he’s apt to lift your spirits with a bouncy ending that is hardly what you expected.

by Ruth S. Baker

“City tells New Yorkers: don’t panic about ‘splooting’ squirrels”
—The Guardian

Hark, New Yorkers: do not panic
If a squirrel’s lying splat;
Call no doctor or mechanic:
Leave the little creature flat,

With his limbs and tail extended.
Spare him fuss and ridicule;
There is nothing to be mended:
He is simply keeping cool.

What you’re seeing is a splooter.
Citizens, improve your lot:
Take that squirrel as your tutor!
Ground feels good when tums get hot.

—The New York Times

by Bruce Bennett

You think, “Disgusting!” but it’s not.
It turns out that a sponge’s snot
feeds other creatures. Okay. Please.
Enough. It’s bad enough they sneeze!

by Alex Steelsmith

“The goat that ran loose through the middle of a Spanish city before breaking into a jewelry store
was taken to a farm—where it escaped for a second time.”
—UPI

Fleetingly, bleatingly,
capric escape artists
can’t be contained by a
fence or a moat.

This one, however, is
clearly unparalleled;
incontrovertibly,
this is the GOAT.

by Stephen Gold

“’Quiet quitters: Disinterested colleagues could just be disillusioned with the job”
—New York Times Post

I’ve become a quiet quitter,
Disillusionment’s set in.
I’m an apathy transmitter
Who thinks idleness no sin.

I admit that it’s immoral
To conceal how much I slack,
And each day I risk a quarrel
That will end up with the sack.

But my ghastly occupation’s
Left me feeling good as dead.
Should I seek new motivations?
Nah—I’m going back to bed.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Contemplation can help problem-solving and boost creativity, study claims”
—The Guardian

I tackle every problem with a bout of contemplation:
Just sitting thinking quietly about the situation.
Examining it thoroughly from each and every angle
Prevents me acting hastily and getting in a tangle.

I formulate my whole campaign as clearly as I can,
Including what to do if something doesn’t go to plan.
And when my mental blueprints are as good as fully drawn
The problem weighs less heavily—the deadline’s long since gone.