by Clyde Always
“Saucon Valley is not the only American community bedeviled by Satan clubs.”
—Reason
Clippity-skippity,
After School Satan Clubs
must be allowed, says the
ACLU.
People denying these
extracurriculars’
harmlessness won’t give the
Devil his due.
by Nora Jay
“‘Unreliable splatter’: Vatican exorcists denounce Russell Crowe’s Pope’s Exorcist …
The real Amorth was an antifascist partisan in the second world war who claimed
to have performed 60,000 lesser and major exorcisms throughout his life,
talking to the devil ‘every day’ (who would respond ‘in Italian’).”
—The Guardian
“Come sta, Diavolino?”
Quoth Amorth (best known as “Volt”).
“No mere laymen know what we know:
Watch him gasp, turn heel, and bolt!
“When I start my holy patter,
Addio, Lucifero!
He ignores the pseudo-splatter
Offered up by Russell Crowe.
“Only licensed, bona fide
Paid-up exorcists know how.
Here’s your soul back, clean and tidy.
Guarda te, Satana. Ciao!”
by Alex Steelsmith
“Researchers [plan to] create ‘organoid intelligence,’ or OI… [using] samples of human tissue to grow
small collections of brain cells that they could use in place of standard silicon computer chips… [OI]
brings up plenty of thorny ethical considerations. Is it okay to use people’s cells to make computers?
Could a computer made of human cells develop a consciousness?… [I]s it okay to keep that
consciousness locked into the role of a computer?”
—Popular Mechanics
Quandary-pondering
serious ethicists,
hearing the news with a
sense of dismay,
don’t even bother with
deontological
arguments; all they can
say is, “OI vey.”
Doubledy-troubledy
organoid researchers
might give you angst, though you’ll
probably find
critical comments work
counterproductively;
best not to give them a
piece of your mind.
by Bruce Bennett
“As a generation of Emilys enters adulthood, perhaps you’ve noticed the name in the air—
and on TV, in film and in songs.”
—The New York Times
“I’m Emily! Who are you?
Are you – Emily – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! They’d pester us – you know!
How dreary – to be – Emma!
Sophia – Carol – Joan –
Just keep your mouth shut – Don’t let on –
Then they’ll – leave us – alone!
by Marshall Begel
“Strip club owners unveil plans for first weed dispensary
with topless ‘budtenders'”
—Daily Star
Come gaze at some boobies while purchasing doobies
at Castaway Gentleman’s Club.
We’ll swing around poles while you light up your bowls,
Each round costing only a dub.
Stick cash into thongs as you cash out your bongs.
Our Mary Jane won’t disappoint.
So come get sedated somewhere that’s X-rated.
We’re certain you’ll frequent our joint!
by Chris O’Carroll
“Our Mission is to sell Great Pot and use the power of our business
to Right the Wrongs of the War on Drugs.”
—bensbest.com
Ben of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream
Now is selling cannabis.
Victims of the war on weed may
Stand to benefit from this.
Freeing prisoners, rewriting
Ill-conceived drug policy,
Funding pot-based enterprises
In the Black community—
These are ways that Ben’s new profits
Sponsor justice in the ’hood.
And if munchies spur demand for
More ice cream, that’s also good.
by Bruce Bennett
I have the morning. I’m a chump.
I’ll spend it reading up on Trump.
I will not waste my afternoon.
I’ll stop. I will be finished soon.
It’s nighttime. Time to go to bed.
But just what was it that he said,
And will that give his polls a bump?
I swear I’ll stop! I’m done with Trump.
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“An NHS hospital has triggered outrage after offering medical teams chocolate prizes
for rapidly discharging patients.”
—Daily Mail
I got discharged when I was barely able
To hobble round the ward upon a stick.
I felt like I was being sent home early
Because they thought I wasn’t all that sick;
Or taking up a bed I didn’t warrant,
A shirker, a malingerer, a fake,
Who wants another sick note from the doctor
To laze around for longer on the take;
Or just a lonely soul who wants attention,
Or someone who’s exaggeration-prone;
Thank goodness it was none of these, but only
To win the staff a giant Toblerone.
by Philip Kitcher
“Sainsbury’s shoppers criticise ‘vile’ mince vac-packs aimed at reducing plastic“
—The Guardian
We would like to use less plastic—but we must preserve the taste,
and the well-known excellence of British meals.
We are thoroughly in favour of eliminating waste,
but we draw the line at mince when it congeals.
We receive it en gelée, compressed—a thick disgusting squash;
Any vite sauté we cook ends up in clumps
It makes a bloody travesty of nouvelle British nosh,
if the plat du jour is full of leaden lumps.
by Dan Campion
“Humans May Have Eaten Giant Snails 170,000 Years Ago”
—Smithsonian Magazine
So, long before Escoffier,
Some cave-café gourmets
Would feast on escargots? Would play
The Flintstones in berets?
One hopes they had huge garlic cloves,
Big shallots, sage chopped fine,
A dash of lemon—and large stoves.
And didn’t stint on wine!
by Steve Bremner
“[N]ow that Americans are finally getting the opportunity to try [Starbucks coffee with olive oil],
they’re finding that taste isn’t all that they have to worry about. As one customer revealed rather
bluntly on Twitter: ‘Apparently @Starbucks thinks I need help having diarrhea with this
#oleato #coffee.’”
—Eat This, Not That
Morningly, dawningly,
Many Americans
Strain to awaken, then
Strain on the pot.
Prone to intestinal
Irritability?
Now you can kill those two
Birds with one shot.
by Julia Griffin
“Future of Borges estate in limbo as widow doesn’t leave will… ‘If there really is no will, it’s surprising,’
said Santiago Llach, a writer who is a specialist on Borges’ work.”
—AP News
Is there no will for JLB?
Not, maybe, in the world we see,
But students of fantastic maths
Will sense a site of forking paths.
Take One and you will find a box
Equipped with neither key nor locks.
Down Two, two wills await: both claim
The other is a hoax, or game.
The Third leads to a coded will,
Defeating all decoders’ skill.
The Fourth reveals a lawyer’s cable:
SEARCH IN THE LIBRARY OF BABEL.
What lurks down Five should foster fear:
A testamentary “Zahir.”
Six has a will that’s clear (please note it):
Alas, it seems Cervantes wrote it,
But Seven’s should alone suffice.
It never says the same thing twice.
by Philip Kitcher
“’I have gained such respect for this grand jury, & perhaps even the grand jury system as a whole,’
Trump said in a post on Truth Social [the day before the grand jury voted to indict him].”
—The Hill
Believing rumors he was fed,
he felt his fears allayed.
“A great, grand jury,” Donald said,
in efforts to persuade.
The greatest minds can be misled
by some witch-hunting twerp.
That great grand jury found instead
The Presidential Perp.
by Clyde Always
“A skydiving student in California had a close call this week
after she became caught in power lines during a jump.”
—People
My first solo skydive was shockingly tense.
It’s over, yet somehow I’m still in suspense.
by Jesse Anna Bornemann
“Wisconsin school bans [the song ‘Rainbowland’] from class concert…
Parents in the district say the decision was made because the song encourages LGBTQ acceptance
and references rainbows. . . . Administrators also initially banned the song ‘Rainbow Connection’
from The Muppets but later reversed that decision…”
—NPR
Are rainbows risky? It depends.
We need to view them from both ends.
Some say their colors captivate
And praise them for disarming hate.
But others turn away in dread—
It’s easier just seeing red.