by Bruce Bennett
• Reese’s Cups Jump Skittles as New #1 Overall
• Sour Patch and Hot Tamales Closing in on M&M’s
• Candy Corn Drops in Popularity
—CandyStore.com
Poor Candy! She was always prone
to being ditched and left alone,
and M&M’s may soon lose face
if they do not increase their pace,
But what’s the greatest shock: the fall
of Skittles! See. The overall
new Champ—forget the runner-ups—
is—Fanfare! Encore!—Reese’s Cups!
by Ruth S. Baker
“Disney gives Jessica Rabbit a politically correct makeover, angering some fans”
—Yahoo!
(To the tune of “Why Don’t You Do Right“)
You had plenty moxie, 1988;
You vamped little Eddie till he saved your mate:
You used to dress right,
Like a real hot date.
Get back in here, your fans cannot relate.
You rock that trenchcoat, I concede you do,
But, bunny, we hoped to see some more of you:
We thought you’d dress right,
Like a real hot date.
Get back in here, just let that Falcon wait.
We know there’s more to you than sex appeal,
But, doll, no gumshoe has a six-inch heel:
Let’s see you dress right,
Like a real hot date.
Get back in here, that pink couture looked great.
Why don’t you dress right,
Like a real hot date?
by Nora Jay
“No more white saviours, thanks”
—The Observer
I’m dreaming of a White Saviour,
Just like the ones I used to know:
Centre-leftwards-leaning,
And so well-meaning,
However uninformed and slow;
I’m dreaming of a White Saviour,
With kindly tongue and open purse;
Though their streets stayed quite undiverse,
Let’s remember, most of us were worse.
by Jerome Betts
“Old Irish goats return to County Dublin
to protect hills from wildfires”
—The Guardian
Three cheers for the goats all are praising
Who are great at preventative grazing.
An omnivorous flock
Chewing gorse, nettle, dock,
They save overgrown hillsides from blazing.
by Paul Lander
Bruuuuuuuce, seventy-two
Now Born to Run to Go Pee
at 3 damn a.m.
by Alex Steelsmith
“The John F. Kennedy Museum on Cape Cod is showcasing a rocking chair…
favored by the late president.”
—AP News
Rockabye, rockabye,
Kennedy’s rocking chair
went on exhibit and
visitors flocked.
Even incredulous
neoconservatives
had to acknowledge that
Kennedy rocked.
by Julia Griffin
“An Alleged Lock of Emily Dickinson’s Hair is Selling for $450,000… But Was it Stolen?”
—LitHub
I heard the Press buzz – when I died –
A Cutting – from the Locks
That I had grown – was now for sale –
For half a million – Bucks –
And all the Scholars – lost their minds –
Insurers too – because –
The Lock was stolen – so they said –
And possibly – it was –
by Jerome Betts
“Aukus pact backlash grows”
—The Guardian
The acronyms which strike the ear,
Euphonious or raucous,
Have truly plumbed new depths this year
With—Heaven help us!—AUKUS.
by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons
A scientist from Auckland is gung-ho
To potty-train young cows. This pioneer
Is not your rocket scientist, although
Nitrogenous exhaust fires his career! …
Kept locked in their latrine till they can go,
Lashed hard with H2O if they can’t wait,
Enticed by treacle treats to mind their flow,
Forbearing cows soon learn to micturate
On artificial grass in their Moo Loo—
Research shows human toddlers aren’t as quick
At learning where to pee! But pee’s not poo.
Can Holstein heifers learn the second trick? …
Our prof now dreams of future episodes—
When pastured cows use only field commodes!
by Dan Campion
“Woolly mammoths could walk the Earth again by 2027 if CRISPR startup succeeds”
—CNET
They’ve got investors panting
For mammoth cash returns
On hairy beasts set trampling
The permafrost. One yearns
For some sense of proportion:
Let’s save the monarchs now!
But what sells? Time distortion.
The next ginned-up cash cow.
by Jennifer Reeser
“‘That fella down under’: Joe Biden forgets Scott Morrison’s name during historic pact announcement”
—The Guardian
Thinking today how the English for “blunder”
Happens to rhyme with Australia’s “down under”—
Verily, scarily, how our Joe Biden
Forces the faux pas horizons to widen!
by Bruce Bennett
“Worried Trump could ‘go rogue,’ Milley took secret action to protect nuclear weapons”
—CNN
Hooray for our hero, Mark Milley,
Who saw that Trump wasn’t just silly.
He acted to quell
What might have been Hell!
Disaster was imminent till he
Got everyone on the same page
To undercut chaos and rage.
All Hail to that Chief
Who thwarted the thief
And kept him locked up in his cage.
by Julia Griffin
“‘What is this if not magic?’ The Italian man living as a hobbit
After building his own version of Middle-earth, Nicolas Gentile
has thrown a ‘ring’ into Mount Vesuvius”
—The Guardian
Scrub the glasses and mind the plates!
Hone the knives and shine the forks!
Signor Baggins re-relocates—
Fill the bottles and pop the corks!
Stuff the cakes with sugar and fat!
Jiggle barefoot along the floor!
Wave some flags and a bathroom mat!
Rub the knocker and paint the door!
Press your handkerchief, don’t be shy,
Bear your ring to the crater’s rim—
Don’t discard it, though—raise it high!
Here’s Gentile! Let’s welcome him!
What though dragons declare him “screwy”?
Hobbity happiness, Bilbo Due!
by Chris O’Carroll
The Russians are shooting a movie in space.
No word what its rating will be.
Since neither the cast nor the script will have weight,
I expect it’ll be Zero-G.
by Shaun Jex
“The anonymous text, which concludes with the lines ‘Go on, love me / It does you good,’
was popular across the eastern Roman empire in the second century…”
—The Guardian
In both the present
And days of yore
Bards have penned verses
Hoping to score