by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“Goalkeeper sent off in FA Cup qualifier for urinating in hedge”
—The Guardian

Position Number One’s where goalies play
In soccer. Here you needn’t sweat too much,
Defending, if the action’s far away,
Down by the goal of your opponents. Such
Long hours of doing little make you bored.
Intent on killing time, you rehydrate,
Not noticing how fast your water gourd
Gets drained until your urge to urinate
Makes this no piddling matter, though it is,
And forces you to find a hedge at which
To point away from thorns and have a whiz
The ref can’t see, until opponents snitch,
Ejecting you from play—the man in goal
Red-carded doing Number One, your role!