by Steven Urquhart Bell

“In sickness and, more likely, in health: Marriage cuts your risk of cancer”
—The Telegraph

I’ve never had a spouse, but I can picture,
From having room- and housemates in the past,
How quick a spouse’s irritating habits
Could grow from small annoyances to vast.

Like snoring, or the way they hog the bedspread,
Or shout the names of others in their sleep,
Then buy you thoughtless gifts to curry favor,
As if that makes it all okay (the creep!).

So even if you cut your risk of cancer,
The risk of other things goes up a ton,
Like fits or strokes or getting executed
For homicide by quilt—so, six of one…