Poems of the Week

Scoop to the Loo

by Alex Steelsmith

“Putin’s bodyguards collect his poop when he travels abroad… [An agent] places his excrement
in a specialized packet… [On a trip to France there were] six suited men in Putin’s entourage
accompanying him into a bathroom. … The tactic appears to be an effort to reduce the risk of foreign
powers discovering information about Putin’s health… There are at least two examples of poop
interception being used as an intelligence technique… Stalin tried to spy on China’s Chairman Mao
and other top officials by analyzing their excrement.”

Business Insider

Hurrying, scurrying,
Vladimir’s bodyguards
carry a poop-bag and
scoop to the loo;

six of them (minimum)
congregate, waiting for
Putin to poo.

Spyingly, pryingly,
excrement analysts
threaten his travels to
places far-flung;

after all, Stalinist
analyzed secrets once
found in Zedung.