by Brendan Beary

“Coffee beans not vital for human survival, Switzerland decides”
—The Guardian

Though Switzerland’s a lovely place,
The Swiss are a barbaric race;
Just like their cheese, they’ve got big holes
Inhabiting their hearts and souls.
For Switzerland has now decreed
That coffee’s not a thing they need.
Where once they hoarded vast reserves,
They said they’d stop—and Oh, my nerves!
A model of efficiency
And clocklike punctuality—
Let’s see how long all that’ll last
When they have been de-demitassed!
Their downfall will be swift and total;
They’ll barely have the strength to yodel!
Too late, I fear, they’ll live and learn.
Too bad, Dummkopfen—let it Bern.