by Philip Kitcher

“UK general election: the seats the Tories will lose if the polls are right”
—The Guardian

We’re careening ever faster
to political disaster,
as the pollsters and the pundits all agree.
Starting now, the Tories need a
strong and charismatic leader,
and the only possibility is—Me.

Lettuce Liz and Ritzy Rishi
offer nothing more than wishy—
washy speeches, leaving voters all at sea.
With our party disaffection
we’ll be trounced come next election,
if we don’t replace the leadership with—Me.

Labour speakers are so boring
they’re drowned out by public snoring,
they’re as bland and colorless as they could be.
Bring back sparkle! Bring back laughter!
Let’s live happy ever after,
with the King of Stand-Up comedy—that’s Me!