by Viv Priestley

“Trump… said that he had seen stories on TV about pets being eaten…”
—The Independent

“There’s a family named Simpson whose kid’s stayed a baby
For 36 years—such a terrible thing!
And a sponge that wears pants! And a frog that can sing!
So I promise you, folks—there’s no if, there’s no maybe—
I’ll end these atrocities once I’m elected:
No clothes will be wasted on sea life again!
Voice lessons will be just for human-type men!
And of course I’ll keep going until we’ve ejected
Those dangerous people—my god, they appall!—
Who have kept their poor daughter so horribly small.”