by Clyde Always “A man in Louisville, Kentucky, is facing an assault charge after shooting his roommate “in the ass” during a fight about eating their last Hot Pocket, officials said.” —CNN Over a Hot Pocket—that’s why I shot ‘im. Soon as I’d dunnit, I knew I’d hit bottom.
Featured PoetAllison Joseph Spotlight: Allison Josephby Anna M. Evans Book Reviewsby Barbara Egel Poems by…Brian AllgarClyde AlwaysGage AmonetteDamian BalassoneSteven Urquhart BellBruce BennettJerome BettsJane BlanchardDan CampionJoshua CobenBarbara CrookerPat D’AmicoMartin J. ElsterDaniel GalefLynn GilbertRich GlinnenStephen GoldMidge GoldbergTimothy GreenJulia GriffinJan D. HodgeShaun JexA.M. JusterSteven KentPam LewisBarbara LootsBevil LuckJosh LuckenbachSimon MacCullochRob McClureBruce McGuffinBob McKentySusan McLeanJoe MedeirosSimon MermelsteinAlistair NoonChris O’CarrollHeidi […]
BACK | CONTENTS | NEXT Tiny Man I wish I had a tiny manto sit upon my shoulder, andgive me advice when I am blue—then I would know just what to do.Instead, he’s almost 60 pounds;my spine is making cracking sounds. Gage Amonette is a senior at Washington State University and has lived in the […]
BACK | CONTENTS | NEXT The Mad President’s song after Lewis Carroll He thought he saw a Hanging Man,And hoped it was Mike Pence:He looked again, and found it wasA grain of common sense.“If this should spread,” he grimly said,“My future’s looking tense!” He thought he saw a Tortoise ShellThat crawled along the ditch:He looked […]
by Clyde Always “Sea lions flee in panic after man backflips off pier to harass them…” —The Sacramento Bee If you are a curious human (sans vessel, commander and crewmen), don’t guzzle a beer and then dive off the pier! To see us up closer, just zoom in.
by Clyde Always “Saucon Valley is not the only American community bedeviled by Satan clubs.” —Reason Clippity-skippity, After School Satan Clubs must be allowed, says the ACLU. People denying these extracurriculars’ harmlessness won’t give the Devil his due.
by Clyde Always “A skydiving student in California had a close call this week after she became caught in power lines during a jump.” —People My first solo skydive was shockingly tense. It’s over, yet somehow I’m still in suspense.
by Clyde Always “A man exposing his father-in-law’s X-rated browser history at a family get-together is being applauded online.” —Newsweek My father-in-law is an interesting fellow. His love of home projects I can’t understand: It seems his devotion to wood-working’s endless: he browses the net with a tool in his hand.
by Clyde Always “Radiographic camera containing radioactive material still missing in Houston… Authorities believe the device… was taken from a locker in the back of a construction vehicle.” —Fox 26 Houston A camera containing some radioactive material vanished with nary a trace. Good news for the bandits avoiding detectives: What’s highly unlikely? A break in […]
by Clyde Always “The FBI arrested Marc Muffley after a TSA agent says they discovered an explosive in his suitcase at a Pennsylvania airport. Muffley’s attorney argues the device was part of a firework that couldn’t be remotely detonated” —CNN Grabbity, nabbity, TSA Officers’ searches and seizures can leave you aghast. Sometimes, these ruffians unnecessarily […]
by Clyde Always “‘Fire-breathing demon’ dog Ralphie returned to Niagara shelter” —CNN Gruffity, ruffity, Ralphie the puppy-dog needs a new owner. So, could it be you? Warning: this rascal is hyperexcitable; needs to be disciplined— exorcised, too.
by Clyde Always “Average penis length has grown in 30 years… Researchers fear the phallic inflation is due to unhealthy habits…” —New York Post “Health food” keeps you young and spry. “Soul food” raises spirits high. “Brain food” clears your mind of fuzz. Take a guess what “junk food” does.
by Clyde Always “Daniela Rendon, a luxury realtor in Florida, has been charged with fraudulently obtaining $381,000 in Covid-relief loans. … [Government exhibits included] screen grabs from Rendon’s social media showing her boarding a private jet…” —Rolling Stone Scam Uncle Sam? Lay off the Gram.
by Clyde Always “Officials in New Zealand announced this week that they have completed a massive seizure of cocaine at sea, calling it a ‘major financial blow’ to producers and traffickers of the drug.“ —High Times Bootily, tootily, Kiwi authorities captured a boatload of kilos and felt lively enough to then (idiomatically) boast of the […]
by Clyde Always “It’s Time To Legalize Haggis… An American medical doctor and author has petitioned the U.S. Department of Agriculture, asking the agency to lift a decades-old rule banning the use of lungs in food.” —Reason American as apple pie. Scottish as alveoli?