by Clyde Always “Investigators say [a student] got a hold of some marijuana edibles at home and brought them to school. The child shared them with other students, causing more than 15 to become ill at school on Friday.” —ABC News Stoner kids in all my classes come to school baked off their asses! Easy, […]
by Clyde Always “Google is pausing a controversial ‘inclusive language’ feature that … proposes gender-neutral alternatives to words like ‘policeman’ or ‘housewife’ in a manner similar to the way that other software services correct spelling and grammar issues.” —The Washington Times I’m here to confirm the new headlines are true: although they’re still tracking near […]
by Clyde Always “Mike Tyson appeared to attack a fellow passenger on a Wednesday night flight…” —New York Post At Mike Tyson I aimed a few jeers (perhaps I’d had too many beers) and though I’m concussed, I feel that I must be thankful I’ve both of my ears.
by Clyde Always “Wind energy company kills 150 eagles in US, pleads guilty” —Associated Press Raptory, Snaptory, NextEra Energy proved to the public (in so many words) harnessing wind would be environmentally friendly if only it weren’t for the birds.
by Clyde Always “Wyoming is now encouraging drivers to report roadkill casualties for harvesting.” —Reason When chefs in Wyoming are carefully plating autochthonous game most-delectable, suppose they might fear for their Michelin rating if essence of Goodyear’s detectable?
by Clyde Always “Former Attorney General William Barr has a passage in his new book about the lengths his old boss would go to in order to charm guests at meetings.” —Business Insider “Though long the meetings often went, refreshing they would be— as, graciously, the President would serve us in D.C. “Although his television […]
by Clyde Always “Gas stoves leak climate-warming methane even when they’re off” —NPR Reekity, leakity now climatologists gather to kindly in- form us en masse Citizens hoping to rescue the planet who switch to electric are cooking with gas.
by Clyde Always “Queen Elizabeth strips Prince Andrew of royal and military titles… after a Manhattan judge allowed the sexual assault lawsuit against the disgraced royal to move forward.” —New York Post Because his former title proved to be too great an onus, hereafter shall the Duke of York be called “His Sleazy Lowness.”
by Clyde Always “Okay it’s done: We’re ‘fully vaxxed’ and begging on our knees: Can all restrictions be relaxed? Oh, pretty-pretty-please?” “Of course they can, and bless your heart; so glad you understand… Go out and play (two yards apart) with vax cards close at hand. No, wait! Come back! Oh me, oh my! It’s […]
by Clyde Always “Murders of crows are taking over the Bay Area right now” —SFGATE Good news in Berkeley: murders rose! This pleased the fans of counting crows.
by Clyde Always “Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson are dating but taking things ‘extra slow’” —CNN In gossip columns, funnymen have always seemed inferior to hero-types ’til Stoogey Pete snagged Kim’s renowned posterior.
by Clyde Always “‘QAnon Shaman’ Jacob Chansley sentenced to 41 months in prison for role in US Capitol riot … [In court] Chansley… described wanting to live his life like Jesus Christ and Gandhi.” —CNN How fearsome you looked in your horns & your fur & your mug all encrusted in paint… So, maybe a […]
by Clyde Always Some cook’s been shaken to the core— a dozen wings he fried went on to be the motive for attempted patricide!
by Clyde Always “Wife shocked to learn husband’s cadaver dissected at pay-per-view event” —Global News Cadaver donors please beware! I warn with gravest candor: you may be cleaved beyond repair for half-a-grand a gander.
by Clyde Always “A federal court order has determined that the offspring of hippos once owned by drug kingpin Pablo Escabar can be deemed ‘interested persons’ with legal rights in the United States.” —The Hill Though El Patrón we may decry, he’s indirectly done some good allowing for the personhood of bloats of hippopotami.