Seize the Bread!
My doctor said I’m diabetic,
But here’s what even more pathetic:
To cut my carbs my doc then said,
“It’s time for you to give up bread.”
Adieu baguettes in French cafés,
We’ll rendezvous in better days.
Auf wiedersehen to pumpernickel
I loved with schnitzel and a pickle.
Ta-ta to English muffins slathered
With orange marmalade—a hazard?
Shalom to challah that I wanna
Send me to deli-baked nirvana.
O breads of life, I’ll miss you greatly.
O Youth, who eat bread profligately,
Enjoy! In Latin, carpe panem!—
Before a doctor makes you ban ‘em.
Library Patron on the Loose
“At 1:11 pm, officer responded to a parking
complaint that happened in a municipal lot
near the Minocqua library. It was reported
a vehicle took up two spots. Upon arrival,
officer found the vehicle had been moved.”
— The Lakeland Times (Minocqua, Wisconsin)
The next day at The Diner, breakfast time,
We citizens discussed our small-town crime:
“It must be that old lady with the squint
Who hangs around the shelf that says Large Print.”
“It’s him. I can’t be sure, but I would bet:
That creepy guy who hogs the Internet.”
“My cousin’s friend knows someone with a hunch:
The new librarian drinks wine for lunch.”
“I heard some left-wing kook had parked that car.
Its bumper sticker spelled out NPR.”
“No way. I heard it spelled out NRA.
Some right-wing nut parked there and drove away.”
At last, when all our theories had been aired,
A timid soul coughed twice and then declared:
“I’m sorry to confess that it was me,
Returning, in a rush, a DVD.”