Warren Clements



The doctor used his calmest tone
To say he had to run a test
Of muscle, sinew, blood and bone
To find out which approach was best.

“We’ll pump you up and feed you pills
And send a probe through all your veins
And thus, by marking all your ills,
Confirm the worst about your pains.

“We’ll cut you here and jab you there
And infiltrate your body, twice,
To see if we should rip and tear
Or bind and grind, or slice and dice.”

He asked if I drank alcohol,
Since that could undermine the heart.
“I don’t,” I said, “but given all
You’ve said today, I think I’ll start.”

Warren Clements was for many years a staff writer and editor with The Globe and Mail. In addition to editorials, he wrote columns on words and home video, and was compère of a column, The Challenge, that encouraged readers to submit witty answers to challenges set. He lives in Toronto with his partner, Sandra.