by Marshall Begel

“[D]ozens of garden snails… gathered [in Congham, England] to compete in the World Snail Racing Championships…”
—The New York Times

Congratulations, gastropod!
You won in record time—
With wing-ed foot of Roman god
And shining trail of slime.

Although you’ve bested mighty teams,
As rated by our panel,
We recommend Olympic dreams
Stay this side of the Channel.

Because of certain French cuisine
(We’re too polite to utter),
The only gold their snails have seen
Is melted garlic butter.