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WEEK OF OCTOBER 20

by Dan Campion

“‘Bored aliens’: has intelligent life stopped bothering trying to contact Earth?”
—The Guardian

So, in our spiral galaxy
Some aliens run free
But are too bored to come and see
What’s up in Kankakee?
Yes, “radical mundanity”
Sounds well-conceived, to me;
As we are subject to ennui,
Why wouldn’t ET be?

by Marshall Begel

“Chinese woman swallows eight live frogs to ease back pain“
—The Telegraph

Reporters swarmed around the woman, questioning her why
she swallowed frogs. She didn’t speak, distracted by a fly.
They asked her how she found the perseverance to go through it,
and why she thought eight frogs sufficed, but seven wouldn’t do it.
Without a written statement, they assumed she would ad lib it,
but when the woman cleared her throat, they only heard a “Ribbit.”

by Eddie Aderne

“Where once people were duped by soft-focus photos and borrowed chat-up lines,
now they have to watch out for computer-generated charm.”
—The Guardian

“Mon cher amour,” exhaled the dying Cyrano,
“There’s something you must hear tonight before I go:
The tender words, the praise—all absolutely true—
The love—” Roxane cut in: “I know all that was you:
You hid your love, I know, and I’m aware of why:
It was your nose!” “No, no,” he wheezed; “’twas all AI!
I started, yes, but, though I lasted quite a while,
I somehow lost my knack for précieux courting style:
I didn’t sound like Christian—good; his stuff was twee;
But by degrees I found I didn’t sound like me.
And so I asked a bot, “Do Cyrano!” It did;
And no one knew (till now) the sum of what I hid.
Adieu, amour!”
Roxane sat dazed. That wit! Those rhymes!
“I loved one man,” she sighed; “I’ve lost him now three times.”

by Chris O’Carroll

“They’re literally, you walk over from Iran to Qatar. You can walk it in one second. You go ‘boom boom’
and now you’re in Qatar.”
—A noted world traveler fantasizing about Middle East geography. In reality, Qatar’s only land border
is with Saudi Arabia. Iran is more than 100 miles away across the Persian Gulf.

Step literally off Iran, sink, sputter
Until (boom boom) you’re all washed up in Qatar.

by Bruce Bennett

Time’s cover, a shot from below,
Is one the Chief wants us to know
Is not to his liking,
Although it is striking
For what that odd angle can show

As sunlight plays tricks with his hair:
That one thing he simply can’t bear!
For him, worst of all,
His “crown” is so small
We won’t even know it is there.

by Felicity Teague

“The Tory peer Zac Goldsmith has submitted a new swift brick amendment to the House of Lords
[that would require new buildings to include hollow bricks that swifts can nest in]…”
—The Guardian

When approached for a comment, a swift
shook her head and appeared rather miffed.
“All this government fuss.
No one ever asked us!
Bricks indeed. Now, a cave? That’s a gift!”

by Thomas Germana

“A family court in the central Indian city of Bhopal is dealing with an unusual case of marital discord,
where a couple who married less than a year ago is now seeking divorce reportedly because their pet dog
and cat cannot get along.”
—The Independent

Messily, pettily,
partners in India
seek a divorce in the
hope it relieves

tensions developing
interspecifically,
clearly fed up with each
other’s pet peeves.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Parents list top skills and traits they want kids to learn before they leave home”
—The Mirror

You want your kids to learn to climb the ladder,
And learn to put away a goodly whack
Of everything they earn to stop them claiming
They can’t afford a house and moving back.

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“More rice, bigger chairs and reinforced toilets: sumo wrestling comes to London”
—The Guardian

When sumo comes to London’s Albert Hall,
Enormity recalibrates all norms
In weighty matters: toilets on the wall
Get reinforced, big chairs are bought, and dorms
Have stronger beds for crucial post-lunch naps—
These beds must take the strain of quite a hulk,
Yet manage for three hours to not collapse.
Men apt to find their monolithic bulk
Abruptly thrust upon close ringside seats
To squash their biggest fans, inflate the charge
That guarantees insurance cover meets
Expenses from their surgeons’ ultra-large
Repairs. But every ticket has been sold—
So sumo wrestling’s worth its weight in gold!

by Thomas Germana

“Here’s a simple way to switch up your walking routine, according to experts: try going backward.”
—The Associated Press

If every day you walk ahead,
Try going in reverse instead.
You won’t believe the gains you’ll see,
Per experts from the GOP!

by Julia Griffin

“What is Zabar’s without Saul?”
—Grub Street

(After Auden)

Drop all the lox, cut out the cheesecake cone,
Brush the last dustings from the pizza stone,
Box up the last precious scraps of crumb.
Bring out the menu with a sigh of “Yum!”

Set special grains on the last true bread,
Spelling the words “What a splendid Spread.”
Put Brie below and pastrami above;
Set it on tablecloths the gods might love.

Anyone who has a mouth will here attest:
His schmear was peerless, his babka blessed,
His challah golden, his coffee strong,
His Reuben paninis a full foot long.

The stars are hungry now; they’ve had their final bun;
Pack up the spoons, see, the long shift’s done;
Save your mementos, dream of all you’ve chewed;
For nowhere now will ever serve you real food.