–

by Timothy Steele

“The president has indicated he wants to eliminate FEMA . . . and to have states have more control
over their emergency management response. He wants to empower local governments and support them
and how they respond to their people.”
—Kristi Noem, Secretary of Homeland Security, testifying before Congress

Never, in emergencies,
Give federal aid to those in shock:
Folks with legs severed at the knees
Can learn to use their hands to walk.

by Julia Griffin

“Cardinals are watching Conclave the movie for guidance on the actual conclave”
—Politico

So back beneath the holy roof we go,
Inspirited by Michelangelo:
The ballots are set out; each takes his seat
To do his duty by the Paraclete.
We calculate the risks of an impasse:
This wants gay marriage, that the Latin mass;
This mentioned women priests, that looked askance
At fossil fuels, divorce, and J.D. Vance.
At last the deal is done. We greet the folk
With long-awaited puffs of snowy smoke:
Habemus Papam! Number 267,
Approved by us, and, so we hope, by Heaven,
Though somebody, inevitably, whines:
I still believe we should have picked Ralph Fiennes.

by Paul Lander

New Pope’s first edict?
“If J.D. Vance should stop by,
tell him, ‘I’m not home.’’’

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Powerball winner who took home $167m is arrested after ‘kicking’ a cop the next day”
—The Independent

If I won a hunk of bread,
I’d try to keep a level head—
Not go around behaving like a dick.

But then again, if I could say,
“A fine, your honor? Yes, I’ll pay,”
I’ve got a list of folks I’d love to kick.

by Eddie Aderne

“Dead Arizona road rage victim addresses killer in court through AI:
Clip of Chris Pelkey, who died in 2021, says: ‘I believe in forgiveness’
after his sister fed an AI model videos of him”
—The Guardian

Not wishing to be bilious or ranty,
I’m not much pleased by how this ups the ante.
Pardon your burglar, cheating spouse, what will you;
But really, those who actually kill you?
You’re up there with the highest type of saint if
You’ll favor the defense and not the plaintiff:
It’s only right, as such a noble specter,
That you should face a stringent lie-detector.
As for myself, though I applaud your charity,
I recognize hereby my own disparity:
Theft or adultery, I might ignore it;
But murder me, I won’t forgive you for it.

by Thomas Germana

“Last summer, [a 24-year-old mom in Helsingborg, Sweden] told her young daughter
they’d be baking an apple cake together for a wholesome little TikTok video.
Instead of flour and sugar, the girl got an unexpected ingredient: an egg,
cracked straight onto her forehead by her own mother, yolk dripping down her face,
all for the amusement of the internet. … She was convicted of harassment and ordered
to pay SEK 20,000 (roughly $2,070) in damages to her own daughter.”
—TownFlex

Eggity crackity,
Mother in Helsingborg
Messed with her kid and was
Put in her place,

Paying the price for her
Eg(g)ocentricity.
Now who’s the one with the
Egg on her face?

by Marshall Begel

“Fully robotic burger joint means less hair in our food”
—New Atlas

Since human cooks have been replaced,
our burgers are no longer laced
with strands of hair, odd drips of sweat,
or similar organic threat.

Robotic chefs of sterile steel
prepare and serve your fast-food meal.
But now, your midnight burger cravings
might be topped with metal shavings.

by Michael Calvert

“Donald Trump acknowledged that his tariffs could result in fewer and costlier products
in the United States, saying American kids might ‘have two dolls instead of 30 dolls,’…”
—The Associated Press

It seems to me that little girls,
when Christmas time arrives,
should have at least as many dolls
as Donald has had wives.

by Steven Kent

“‘He loves us and he’s doing it’: Trump fans’ faith undimmed by first 100 days”
—The Guardian

We can’t decide now what we love the most:
Economy and planet, both are toast;
The Cabinet staffed with every kind of hack;
So many old diseases coming back;
An end to vital medical research;
A threat to leave our allies in the lurch;
Due process, rule of law all shot to hell—
On balance, things are going awfully well!

by Alex Steelsmith

“Backcountry runners are embracing the physical and emotional challenge of racing with pack burros…
carry[ing] a saddle, pick, pan and shovel…”
—The Associated Press

Mulishness, foolishness,
racing with pack burros
challenges even the
best muleteer.

Runners who hope to be
hypercompetitive
need to be getting their
asses in gear.