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WEEK OF DECEMBER 1

by Thomas Germana

“… Apple has [reportedly] ‘made a breakthrough’ in foldable iPhone development, as it was able to achieve a ‘crease-free’ design, meaning the phone’s display wouldn’t have a visible crease when fully unfolded. … Unfortunately, the iPhone Fold might come at a pretty high price point. [Estimates range from $1800 to $2500].”
—Mashable

We love to say
We’d never pay
So much, but truth be told,
It’s all a bluff.
With Apple stuff,
We’re well aware we’ll fold.

by Julia Griffin

After Shakespeare

“Brain has five ‘eras’, scientists say—with adult mode not starting until early 30s:
Study suggests human brain development has four pivotal ‘turning points’ at around the ages of nine, 32, 66 and 83″
—The Guardian

Update: the world—in other words, the brain—
Has stages, yes, but scientists explain
That those old seven are in fact chimeras:
Five’s the true number of our mental eras.
First you’re an infant, puking still and mewling.
Then you turn nine and gripe about your schooling.
At thirty-two, you’re all grown up, so show it
By acting like a soldier, or a poet.
At sixty-six, it’s time for eating chicken
And learning law. If still alive and kickin’
When eighty-three comes round, your life’s adventures
Will shrink to hunting slippers, specs, and dentures.
So that’s the scoop. Of course you’re free to spike it;
We know truth isn’t always as you like it.

by Steven Kent

“Food influencer known as ‘dine-and-dash diva’ arrested in Brooklyn”
—The Guardian

You’ll lick the plate!
Dessert? Do stay for it!
The food here’s great!
(Don’t ever pay for it!)

by Nora Jay

“A Campbell’s Soup Company executive has been put on temporary leave after he allegedly referred to the firm’s offerings as ‘shit for fucking poor people’—a remark purportedly caught on an audio recording and attributed to him in a former employee’s wrongful termination lawsuit.”
—The Guardian

Who eats this shit? Poor people. I,
Deservedly, am richer.
You know the only can I’d buy?
The Andy Warhol picture.

The chicken’s fake, the broth is poop,
I’d sooner browse on brambles.
If all this lands me in the soup,
Please God don’t make it Campbell’s.

It’s not intended for the rich.
They’re not the ones we’re wooing;
It’s shit for fucking paupers—which
Describes what we’ve been doing.

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“The prime minister has said sorry to a headteacher after leading primary school children in a version of the viral 6-7 dance meme.”
—BBC

Say sorry, Keir Starmer. Good heavens!
Obedient under-elevens
Remained rather quiet,
Refraining from riot …
Yet now they’re at sixes and sevens!

by Ruth S. Baker

“Michael Leech, from Sowerby Bridge, West Yorkshire, has been named the UK bus driver of the year…
‘To be told I’d won really was a dream come true. I take a lot of pride in my job, so it’s nice to be recognised. I was excited to learn I’d won £4,100 prize money, too. I celebrated with a cup of tea with my wife.’”
—The Guardian

Some winners go for pink champagne or buy a robe of pima.
Some others book a dinner at that restaurant in Lima.
A third group favor truffles with George Clooney on the beach;
“I had a cuppa with my wife,” discloses Michael Leech.

Jeff Bezos? All of Venice is required to pleasure him in.
Musk fancies Mars. For Trump, it’s blasting boats and cursing women.
The tyrants of the world all vie to magnify their reach,
But personally I prefer the choice of Michael Leech.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Aristocrat, 79, looking for bride ‘20 years younger’ who can fire shotgun”
—The Mirror

I wouldn’t say that everyone
Who weds an older man
Is scheming how to take him for
However much they can.

But if you own a bit of land
And take a younger spouse,
You might be extra careful when
You go out shooting grouse.

by Susan McLean

“In this issue, we want writing that captures the immensity of being alive. Think about the pulse of the ocean in your chest, a dream so vivid it feels like prophecy, the hush before something irreversible. Give us awe, give us vertigo, give us beauty with teeth. We are looking for literary work that brushes against the infinite.”
—Call for submissions by Cosmic Daffodil for its Tidal Light issue

Swallow an ocean. Feel it slosh
inside you. Grasp the raw
immensity of life, awash
in amplitude and awe.

Immerse yourself in tidal light.
Embrace your vertigoes.
Chase savage beauty. Let it bite
your neck. Now hold that pose.

by Felicity Teague

“The presence of an extraordinary circle of yawning pits created by Neolithic people near Stonehenge has been proved … Quite why will probably never be known, but [the lead researcher] speculated it may have been linked to a belief in an underworld.”
—The Guardian

As there’s no Neolithic-times witness
and no archaeological hoard,
let’s suggest, so as not to seem witless,
that the makers were just… hella bored?

by Steven Kent

“Search is on for the German hairy snail in London”
—The Guardian

A modest haul
Against the odds,
This hunt for small
Rare gastropods.

Good luck, we say:
They seldom show,
But that’s the way
Things escargot.

by Marshall Begel

“Person with gunshot wound arrives at Madison Taco Bell, expected to survive”
—Channel 3000

While famous for the food we sell,
we sometimes fail to mention
that you can count on Taco Bell
for medical attention.

If people hunger for a snack,
we’ll fuel their midnight feeding.
If injured in an armed attack,
we’ll help them stop the bleeding.

So, if you’re shot, don’t fear the worst:
give Taco Bell a chance—
you certainly won’t be the first
to leave by ambulance.