–

by Neil Doherty

“There is Faith in Humor”
—Pope Francis, The New York Times

No wonder the pontiff is popular.
This priest is a regular bloke:
A little bit pious, but jocular,
The man tells a bloody good joke.

In that sanctum of pomp and pomposity,
Let the bishop break out in a grin.
A little old-fashioned jocosity’s
No longer a cardinal sin.

by Julia Griffin

“‘Santa Claus’ sarcophagus believed to be discovered during excavation project…
The discovery was made at St. Nicholas Church in the Demre district of Antalya,
Turkey, as part of an excavation initiated by Turkey’s Ministry of Culture and
Tourism. The sarcophagus was found in the church’s two-story annex, which is believed
to be the original burial site of Saint Nicholas, a bishop who lived in the ancient
city of Myra during the fourth century.”
—Fox News

’Twas the week before Christmas, and all round the tomb
Stood cameras, ready for watchers on Zoom:
An expert has pinpointed (pause for applause!)
The last-known address of the Saint known as “Claus.”
’Tis he, who dropped dowries through chimneys, and froze
False Arians out with profound Ho, Ho, Ho!s,
Stopped famine, showed Nicaea’s Council the way,
And dodged Diocletian with reindeer and sleigh.
How splendid an Advent adventure to find
The grave of this bishop, the best of his kind!
And the tourism agencies own with a cheer
That Christmas has come one week early this year.

by Matt Schatz

(After Wham)

Last Chanukah, I gave you eight hearts
But the very next day
You gave me oy vey

This yontif
I’ll get what I want if
I give them to my friend Heschel

by Steven Kent

“A Bagel Shop Closed, and the Upper West Side Is Absolutely Losing It”
—The New York Times

Burning planet on the brink,
Millions lacking food and drink,
Flood and fire and endless war—
Lots to be alarmed here for.
Still, what leaves us screaming twice is
Called by some a First World crisis:
Can’t acquire and can’t finagle
Absolute, the New York bagel.

Donut? Muffin? Let’s be clear:
Nothing else is worth a schmear.
Upper West Side, represent—
Time to voice our discontent,
Draw a line now in the sand, man:
This aggression will not stand, man!
Angry, surely—got to shout it.
Sara Lee? Fugeddaboudit!

by Steven Kent

“Feeling at home? New app lets US homebuyers see neighbors’ politics”
—The Guardian

The couple to our left is to our Right,
And now we barely sleep a wink at night.
We wonder: are they equally bereft
To learn we’re on their right but on their Left?

by Stephen Gold

“Intermittent fasting ‘can make your hair shorter and thinner'”
—The Times

In my efforts to get slim,
I have found that fasting’s grim,
And its side-effects have left me quite appalled.
Though I may have shrunk in size,
I am speechless with surprise,
And cannot believe my eyes—I’m going bald!

I’m follicularly screwed!
Pardon me for being rude,
But I can’t describe my overwhelming sorrow.
It’s so true, as has been said:
Choose to spurn your daily bread,
And you’ll find that hair today is gone tomorrow.

by Iris Herriot

“A few years ago…, locals fishing Georgia’s Bashplemi Lake in the municipality
of Dmanisi came across… a small stone tablet inscribed with dozens of mysterious symbols.
Now a team of archaeologists from across Georgia has confirmed the impressions represent
samples of a [Bronze Age] script that has never been documented … Roughly the size
of an iPad, the basalt tablet features just 39 different characters in 60 inscriptions
written left to right across seven lines. … Who crafted the symbols, or why, is open to speculation.”
—Science Alert

The tablet of Bashplemi Lake
Is declared by the experts no fake,
But they cannot yet tell
If its content’s a spell
Or directions for making a cake.

Or perhaps it’s what comes by default
If you press, accidentally, ALT:
═ ╠ ʘ ╪ ╒ ╦
╟ ╧ ⸨ ↂ ╬ ╩
(To be taken with pinches of Ө).

by Marshall Begel

“A woman’s self-incriminating diary entry helped police arrest her on auto theft charges.”
—MSN

As personal diary, I can provide
A judgement-free space in which you can confide
Embarrassing incidents making you blush,
Your troubles in art class, or blossoming crush.

And while you are musing, be sure to report
Your major pursuits of the criminal sort,
With all of the details you’re able to share,
Including the names of the friends who were there.

I promise, you’ll feel a cathartic release.

Sincerely,
Your Journal
(and local police)

by Dan Campion

“Could mouse sperm orbiting Earth be the future of humanity?”
—CNN

Some questions just should not be asked.
This is, of many, one.
I understand a scribe was tasked
To make a headline fun,
But—due respect to Mickey Mouse,
Toward Minnie, sweetly potent—
I’d think a Berlioz or Strauss
Should donate, not a rodent.