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WEEK OF SEPTEMBER 14

by Steven Kent

“JD Vance says he’s doing ‘God’s work— and if that leads to the end times, OK'”
—The Guardian

Our Veep would not be shocked to see
The Antichrist is here, that louse.
Alas, the call—and this is key—
Is coming from inside the house.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Hospital ‘used model skeleton’ [to hold] patient’s drip”
—BBC

If I woke up in hospital,
Especially at night,
And saw a bony stranger in
The dim, uncertain light,

I’d think it was the Reaper come
To usher me away.
He’s left his robe at home because
It’s such a muggy day,

Would be my final earthly thought
Before I died of fear,
And then another bony gent
Would suddenly appear,

And this one would be in a robe,
And brandishing a scythe,
And I would say, “But that’s not fair!”
And Death would say, “That’s life.”

by Julia Griffin

“AI could kill all humans in next decade, warn experts”
—The Guardian

“AI will help find cure for cancer ‘within our lifetimes’, says… [t]he boss of one of the UK’s biggest chip companies…”
—The Guardian

AI! We’re cursed! How can it be reversed
(While keeping it on course to settle cancer for us first)?

by Dan Campion

“Dark energy debunked? Cosmic acceleration may be an illusion”
—ScienceDaily

Cosmologists are not agreed
On what the data show:
Perhaps the cosmos blurs with speed,
Perhaps it’s moving slow.
We’d like, but do we really need,
In viewing stars, to know?
Let’s just, while rival experts plead,
Rejoice in starlight’s glow.

by Stephen Gold

“After bringing injured queen Phoebee home in July, Gilly McArthur expected her soon to die, but she’s bumbling on”
—The Guardian

Gilly found you half alive,
Beedraggled, far from hearth and hive.
You must have thought, “Death, where’s thy sting?”
But thanks to her, you’ve taken wing.

Even more beeguiling yet,
Your fame has flown across the net.
Phoebee, that’s a big surprise,
I thought nets were for butterflies.

As beefits a global star,
A queen, as well we know you are,
Be beenign towards your savior,
And mind you’re on your best beehavior.

by Marshall Begel

“Ukraine Weighs Taxing OnlyFans Porn to Fund Drones and Defense”
—Clash Report

Twirl your braids for hand grenades.
Land a spank to fuel a tank.
Purr and moan to buy a drone.
Shake your buns to purchase guns.

When every eyeful loads a rifle,
the girl next door can win this war.

by Steven Kent

“Missouri state legislative candidate accused of trying to plant cocaine on opponent”
—The Guardian

My manic rival harps on hope
(Her sniffling, though, leaves much inferred).
She promised voters more straight dope,
And never spoke a truer word.

Consider who deserves your trust:
She’s proud of Joplin? Hey, I’m prouder!
Once her big campaign goes bust,
I guarantee she’ll take a powder.

by John Branning

“‘I’m on the ticket’: Trump implores Republicans to vote in November at unusual midterm convention”
—The Guardian

I pledge allegiance to the Prez;
I’ll do whatever that man says.
He says, “You go to hell” if you don’t vote
for him (and that’s a quote).

He likes to lie, and cheat, and steal…
and that’s just part of his appeal.
It matters not how much he sucks—
he’s giving me five-thousand bucks!

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“Uganda pulling out of Prince Harry’s Invictus Games, says military chief”
—BBC

Uganda’s High
Command won’t stand
For nonsense by
The Sussex brand:
To show respect
For Charles, our guys
Will all defect
Invictus-wise,
Muhoozi K
Decreed by tweet,
To cause dismay
In who’d compete …

However, there’s
Another quote
In which he airs
His glory: GOAT
Commander. It
Appears this chump
Has made his writ
To channel Trump.
So wounded crew
Need have no fear—
He’ll do a U
Before next year!

by Stephen Gold

“John Galliano’s Met show cancelled over antisemitic remarks.”
—The Times

Some years ago, while full of booze,
He shared his toxic views on Jews,
And though he’s tendered his regret,
We’ve made it clear we won’t forget.

It’s said if we forgive with grace,
We make the world a better place.
Let’s have a little give and take.
For God’s sake, give the guy a break!

And yet, it matters more, one senses,
That actions should have consequences,
A principle that, to be sure,
Is higher still than haute couture.

by Julia Griffin

“[Far-right provocateur] Milo Yiannopoulos says he was ‘terrified’ by the ‘brutality’ of his ICE deportation.”
—CNN

Comedy karmady,
Milo Yiannopoulos
Finds deportation’s not
Terribly nice,

Laying the blame where we’re
Coincidentally
Storing our sympathy,
That is, on ICE.

by Nora Jay

“JD Vance reacts to airstrike that killed four at Iran wedding: ‘Things happen’ … He also said that the conflict between the US and Iran, which has now stretched into a seventh month and led to the deaths of 18 US service members, was not presently ‘a war’.”
—The Guardian

Conflicts: things happen in the run of them,
And this unfortunately seems to have been one of them.
We, in any case, learn from our mistakes,
Which of course our army never actually makes.
Besides, we are not presently having a war,
Despite the best efforts of the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps,
So this is a rumor it’s time to stop spreading.
Sometimes things happen, like having four funerals when you’re expecting a wedding.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“‘I’m on a mission to convince people to work less’”
—BBC

I have to confess,
You had me at “less.”