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WEEK OF SEPTEMBER 7

by Stephen Gold

“John Galliano’s Met show cancelled over antisemitic remarks.”
—The Times

Some years ago, while full of booze,
He shared his toxic views on Jews,
And though he’s tendered his regret,
We’ve made it clear we won’t forget.

It’s said if we forgive with grace,
We make the world a better place.
Let’s have a little give and take.
For God’s sake, give the guy a break!

And yet, it matters more, one senses,
That actions should have consequences,
A principle that, to be sure,
Is higher still than haute couture.

by Julia Griffin

“[Far-right provocateur] Milo Yiannopoulos says he was ‘terrified’ by the ‘brutality’ of his ICE deportation.”
—CNN

Comedy karmady,
Milo Yiannopoulos
Finds deportation’s not
Terribly nice,

Laying the blame where we’re
Coincidentally
Storing our sympathy,
That is, on ICE.

by Nora Jay

“JD Vance reacts to airstrike that killed four at Iran wedding: ‘Things happen’ … He also said that the conflict between the US and Iran, which has now stretched into a seventh month and led to the deaths of 18 US service members, was not presently ‘a war’.”
—The Guardian

Conflicts: things happen in the run of them,
And this unfortunately seems to have been one of them.
We, in any case, learn from our mistakes,
Which of course our army never actually makes.
Besides, we are not presently having a war,
Despite the best efforts of the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps,
So this is a rumor it’s time to stop spreading.
Sometimes things happen, like having four funerals when you’re expecting a wedding.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“‘I’m on a mission to convince people to work less’”
—BBC

I have to confess,
You had me at “less.”

by Geoffrey Basking

“The creator of Wallace and Gromit has revealed that the world’s most famous stop-motion animated dog was nearly a cat.”
—The Guardian

Ay oop, Gromit puss, big day ahead!
Ah. Please move that rubble from my bed.
Let’s get packing—fetch the Wensleydale!
I’ve explained my diet, which is quail.
Need your help, lad, nailing in these planks!
I’d prefer to clean my whiskers, thanks.
Like to hold the hammer and the glue?
I don’t think so, honestly, do you?
One more push, we’re headed for the Moon!
See you soon. Or maybe after soon.

by Dan Campion

“What Did Jurassic Forests Sound Like? Like This. Scientists spent over a decade reconstructing the calls of nine species of ancient insects to create the first accurate Jurassic soundscape.
—The New York Times

Plus ça change, I have to say.
Those ancient crickets sound
Just like the ones I hear today,
Which make my eardrums pound.
The next time I walk in the park
And hear a katydid,
I’ll shut my eyes and in the dark
Swat like irked dinos did.

by Steven Kent

“Women are giving their partners the ‘illiterate boyfriend’ test”
—The Guardian

You lack both verve
And brains—yes, you!
Come on: hors d’oeuvre,
Faux pas, and queue?

Though French I’m not,
I swear a smart
Young polyglot
Could win my heart.

Antío now,
Auf Wiedersehen,
Adieu, and ciao.
Don’t call again.

by Julia Griffin

“Tropical Storm Dolly is moving quickly across the Atlantic Ocean… ‘Heavy rain from Dolly could affect the Leeward Islands late Saturday into Sunday…'”
—The Guardian

This heavy rain from Dolly
Will whip the ocean white;
The prospect isn’t jolly,
This heavy rain from Dolly;
Be sure to take a brolly,
And as you grip it tight,
Salute our other Dolly,
Whose reign was very light.

by Stephen Gold

“Pope Leo XIV lands on Vanity Fair’s best dressed list”
—USA Today

I never thought my choice of shoe
And cap would win applause. Did you?
The Lord be praised that stylish dress
Is so in tune with godliness.

by Marshall Begel

“Russian Orthodox cleric urges Russians to silently endure fuel shortages, calls protesters ‘unspiritual people'”
—Moscow Monitor

There’s no reason to fret when it’s harder to get
gasoline for your automobile.
We know those who believe are assured to receive
what they need to survive this ordeal.

Though it may hit a nerve, buckle down and conserve
like our ancestors managed before.
The good Lord’s on our side so He’s sure to provide
and remember, it’s not our first war.

I expect this discussion compels every Russian
to pray through the fighting’s duration.
As you make your way out I’ll remind the devout
to deposit their hefty donation.

by Dan Campion

“As C.T.E. Cases Soar, Why Do Football Crowds Still Go Wild?”
—The New York Times

Uh, why did Romans shout and cheer
To see the gladiators bleed?
You think we’re different? Lend an ear:
“Great Hit!!” There’s all the “why” you need.

by Steven Kent

“Relax, everyone: Elon Musk has a mantra to make the climate crisis go away”
—The Guardian

Big solutions? Here’s the pitch, guys:
Trust our so-enlightened rich guys
Casting off bourgeois behaviors,
Messianic self-made saviors.

Hurtful, how they’re called hubristic;
Who could be more altruistic?
Odd, though, how their famed acumen
Rarely helps one hurting human.