Poems of the Week

Touch My Heart

by Julia Griffin

“The National Rifle Association (NRA) deleted a tweet [from a gun maker] on Wednesday evening… . [It] featured a heart-shaped pillow with two guns resting on it. The caption read: ‘Give your significant other something they’ll appreciate this Valentine’s Day.'”—Business Insider, February 15, 2018

Red roses and pussy willow:
Think that will impress your date?
Two guns on a heart-shaped pillow:
Now that she’ll appreciate!

No-hopers and hogs give candy;
Bad hombres and drunks give wine;
Old Grandaddy types give shandy,
Or bunches of columbine;

Bouquets might have pleased her mother—
Chicks now want a bullet spray;
So give your significant other
An AK-9 Valentine’s Day!

The United States Cheerleader Squad

by David Hedges

The military’s newest branch
Is seeking lovely young recruits.
Fox News predicts an avalanche
Of femmes with stunning attributes.

The President himself will choose
The candidates who score the best
In lengthy private interviews.
Then those who pass the swimsuit test

Will train at Mar-a-Lago’s gym
To march in lockstep, two by two,
And sing the U.S.C.S. Hymn,
“Red Lips, White Skin, and Eyes of Blue.”

The Mogul Skier

by Bob McKenty

Intensely, like a seasoned pro,
The mogul skier braves the snow—
Attacks the washboard, potholed slope
That jars her body. Still, she’ll cope.
Another record is effaced!
(Next year she’ll have her knees replaced.)

Consumer Infection Bureau?

by Orel Protopopescu

Mick Mulvaney makes it plain he
runs a bureau he abhors.
Got the goods on payday lenders?
Watch your fingers! Mick slams doors!

He’s so “humble,” people mumble
prayers when Mick takes out his knife.
Did the sharks eat all your money?
Mick the Knife says, Get a life.

And should Kelly do a belly
flop, who’s waiting in the wings?
Rumors fly that Trump is eyeing
Tricky Mick for better things.

EPA (Extra Privilege Accorded)

by Mae Scanlan

Pruitt got a special favor:
He obtained a written waiver
So that he could fly first class,
Costing us big bucks. What brass!
How presumptuous—Great Scott!
But “great” is what this Scott is not.

Little Donnie’s Really Big Parade

by David Hedges

If Macron and Putin can swagger their stuff
And even the Rocket Man gets his parade,
Why can’t little Donnie play Billy Goat Gruff?
In terms of pure bluster, he’s equally tough
And wants the whole world to be fricking afraid.

He needs to pump up his deflated libido
To show humankind that his button is bigger.
He hopes he can rise above cries of “Stupido!”
By making debasement the crux of his credo
And gagging the people who giggle and snigger.

Losers

by Ian Graham

“Most analysts believe the market tumble was prompted by a report on the US job market, released on Friday, which showed strong wage growth. But the decision to sell on that news may have been made by robot traders.”— BBC

“Watch out for ‘killer robots,’ UC Berkeley professor warns in video.”—Mercury News

How’s life, zero-one-one-zero-one-zero?
I wish you a pleasant day’s trading.

Hi there, one-zero-one-zero, my hero.
I wish you the same. Happy raiding.

Wages are growing for humans. How sad.

It isn’t just sad. For the markets, it’s bad.

We’re off. May the best robot win. Keep our pact.
Ensure that no humans get in on the act.

Humans? All wasters and failed nincompoops.
If they try to get smart, we’ll just send in the troops.

Philadelphia Fandalism

by Bob McKenty

Oh, ecstasy! The team that we support
Fulfills a fan’s most passionate desires,
Ascending to the apex of its sport.
Let’s overturn some cars and set some fires!

Best Supporting Beasts

by Julia Griffin

“After the uproar when an ’emotional support peacock’ was banned from an [airplane], United Airlines has released a list of banned animals. The list includes hedgehogs, ferrets, insects, rodents, snakes, spiders, reptiles and ‘non-household birds.'”—The Telegraph 

Long has the mobile public fought
Its scorn-belabored corner
For the emotional support
Supplied by other fauna.

It is not rabbit, dog, or cat
Alone that reassure us:
Help comes from hedgehog, vampire bat,
Baboon, and stegosaurus.

The benefits of this are big:
We know that now, so please,
Permit my ESP (that’s Pig)
His ESFs (that’s Fleas).