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WEEK OF JUNE 1

by Michael Calvert

(with apologies to Herrick)

“Sweden’s prime minister has promised to put IVF at the heart of his re-election campaign as he tries to win over female voters amid the country’s record low birthrate….It comes after official statistics showed this year that, despite often being cited as one of the best countries in the world to have children, Sweden’s fertility rate sank to 1.42 last year, the lowest since 1749 when records started.”
—The Guardian

Gather your ova while ye may,
And get yourself to breedin’,
Let’s set about, without delay,
Repopulating Sweden.

It’s odd, since when it comes to sex,
We hardly are retiring,
Yet our demography reflects
Quite insufficient siring.

Adults are many, children few,
And therefore, we’re surmising,
It’s time that we resorted to
In-vitro fertilizing.

For those of you who long to spawn,
We’ll subsidize your wishes;
More kids are a sine qua non—
Break out the petri dishes.

by Thomas Germana

“Dog shoots woman [in the arm] with a shotgun at Nebraska convenience store”
—The Mirror

This may be one sick puppy, yet
I doubt that in the end they’ll get
The ruling that they want in court,
Regardless of the lab report.
His endless begging’s bound to balk
Their efforts. Watch, they’ll let him walk.

by Marshall Begel

“A calendar featuring close-ups of young, handsome men in priestly attire has been a perennial Rome souvenir for the last two decades—but few, it seems, are actually men of the cloth.”
—The Associated Press

We practicing Catholic “fishers of men”
agree that these clergymen make quite a catch—
for who doesn’t utter a vow now and then,
and Lord knows that Rome is in need of some scratch.

Now, caveat emptor (that lesson in Latin)
applies to those souvenir models who tease us.
They may seem successful as bank accounts fatten,
but think of the penance for catfishing Jesus!

by Steven Kent

“Senate refuses to push through ICE funding amid row over Trump’s ballroom”
—The Guardian

The Senate draws a line at last:
A miracle, I do declare.
These eunuchs from the recent past
Collectively just grew a pair.
They’re scared of polls, it’s safe to bet,
But hey, we’ll take what we can get.

by Julia Griffin

“Judge halts Trump ‘anti-weaponization fund’ after January 6 prosecutor sues. … The Department remains extremely confident in the legality of the Anti-Weaponization Fund…”
—NBC

We are the yap-dogs! Have us hush?
Pay us our wages from the slush!

I earned a Presidential gush.

I took a dump and did not flush.

I spread the filth on, nice and lush.

I sprayed a cop down in the crush.

Big day of love! Our hearts were mush!
Now let us heal them in the slush!

by Bruce Bennett

“Until a couple of weeks ago, Abhijeet Dipke was one of thousands of Indian students in the United States with a fresh graduate degree in hand, seeking a job. Then, a cockroach changed his life. It started with a question that Mr. Dipke, a 30-year-old graduate of the public relations program at Boston University, posted on X on May 16: ‘What if all cockroaches came together?’ He was responding to comments a day earlier from India’s chief justice, Surya Kant, who referred to young and unemployed Indians as cockroaches who, failing to secure jobs, end up complaining on social media or becoming activists and criticizing the system.”
—The New York Times

What if we came together,
we roaches, as a crowd,
and raised high raspy voices,
intransigent and loud?

Not only would they hear us.
They’d fear us, since they’d know
that we possessed the power
to cause their overthrow.

by Steven Kent

“Trump says he will miss son’s wedding to stay in DC during ‘important time’: [He] previously said he would ‘try and make’ Donald Trump Jr’s nuptials but timing is ‘not good’ for him”
—The Guardian

The wedding? I have so much on my plate:
A tournament, disrupting more elections,
Maintaining my dictatorship connections,
A gerrymander in another state,
Iran—we won already, by the way—
And on and on; my life’s a roller coaster!
I’ll send JD to take the kids a toaster
So I can go play golf on Saturday.
Each time my kids got hitched before, I came:
Ivanka, Donnie, Eric, Whatshername.

by Stephen Gold

“Italy’s top court rules against tourist refused tap water in Dolomites hotel”
—The Guardian

When visiting the Dolomites,
Please be aware your human rights
Do not include free H2O
(Despite their vast reserves of snow).

Although left thirsty and irate,
It doesn’t pay to litigate,
As this poor woman’s efforts show.
She should have just gone with the flow.

by Cody Walker

Another boffo
forehand from Tiafoe—
and Frances
advances.

Tough, today, to be
Hubi.

Tougher still to be Sinner.

Coco, with the winner!

by Dan Campion

“Sonny Rollins, Giant of the Jazz Saxophone, Is Dead at 95”
—The New York Times

What’s it all about, Sonny?
A phrase, a photo shoot,
A bridge? Now you’re completely free
To tell. The question’s moot,
You’d say. Explore each scale and key.
Each chord has got a root.
You’ve got your head straight musically?
Now play. You’ll find the route.

by Dan Campion

“Graduates are booing pep talks on AI at college commencements”
—The Associated Press

The AI touts (they think we’re saps?)
Give us the old heigh-ho,
Expecting grads to throw their caps
When robots tell us, “No,
But, though you didn’t get the job,
Your cred ranked near the top,”
And we know we’ve been fed a gob
Of AI-written slop?
So, “Boo.” And “Boo” again. Get off
The podium, and blow.
That’s not a spiel for which we’ll doff
A mortar board. Just go.

—The New York Times

by Bruce Bennett

New personalities for Trump and Xi?
It’s worth a try. How worse off could we be?