Daniel W. Galef


Said Eve (Refrain)

“I know you’re wont to deceive,”
Said Eve,
“You’re a liar, a crook, and a cheat.”
Said the snake, Eat.

“Of course I’d like to believe,”
Said Eve,
“But my stance on this issue is moot.”
Said the snake, Eat of the fruit.

“I doubt He’d grant a reprieve,”
Said Eve,
“Not for you or for hubby or me.”
Said the snake, Eat of the fruit of the tree.

“Why don’t you crawl off and leave?”
Said Eve.
“For learning I’ll just invent college.”
Said the snake, Eat of the fruit of the tree of the knowledge.

“But it’s immoral to thieve,”
Said Eve,
“And I’d know so if only I could.”
Said the snake, Eat of the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good.

“I wouldn’t like to upheave,”
Said Eve,
“But you say this won’t cause an upheaval?”
Said the snake, Eat of the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

The Phrenologist’s Other Trade

All right, you’re done. Your hat un-doff, now.
What’s that? Oh, just a fencing scar?
Well, never mind. But don’t you scoff, now!
The bumps determine who you are!
And if you’d like a little extra,
if you need a little more,
more wealth, respect, a little sex (tra-
ditionally a point that’s sore),
My other trade’s not just a rumor . . . .
Do you anger easily?
Want a better sense of humor?
Do people find you . . . weasely?
If so, just step behind this curtain,
re-doff your hat—your glasses, too.
But first, be absolutely certain
you would like a better you.
And boy, they won’t be laughing then!
—This hammer?—Don’t pay any heed.
Now close your eyes and count to ten
And we’ll . . . install the bumps you need.

Daniel W. Galef has had poetry published in Light, Lighten Up Online, Snakeskin, Sein und Werden, Verbatim, and Word Ways: The Journal of Recreational Linguistics. In other genres he has graced/defaced the pages or e-pages of Kugelmass, Comparative Literature, and the Journal of Irreproducible Results, as well as 23 McGill University campus publications. He is studying in the B.A.&Sc. program there in Montreal, where he won the Colin Krivy Award for Excellence in Playwriting at the 2016 McGill Drama Festival and is the editor-in-chief of the school’s humor magazine, the Plumber’s Faucet. He has recently and after a lengthy deliberation adopted the use of a middle initial in author bios, but it’s too early to tell if that’s really working out.