by Mia Henry

“Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen Have Reportedly Hired Divorce Lawyers. …
The [New York] Post has been tracking perceived discord in the marriage
in recent months, with many speculating that Ms. Bündchen and Mr. Brady
had fought over his decision to unretire from his football career…”
—The New York Times

(To the tune of “Hang Down Your Head, Tom Dooley”)

Hang down your head, Tom Brady
Better get lawyered up
Hang down your head, Tom Brady
You are one sorry pup

You should have cleaned out your locker
Just like you said you would
You don’t need a supermodel
To tell that your plan’s no good

You might make a good announcer
FOX thinks that you’ll do fine
But you crave thousands cheering
And love your offensive line

So order yourself a smoothie
Your chef knows the recipe
Too bad it doesn’t call for
A shot of humility