by Alex Steelsmith
“Doctors Horrified After Healthcare AI makes up a body part that does not exist in humans…
It identified an ‘old left basilar ganglia infarct,’ referring to a purported part of the brain—
‘basilar ganglia’—that simply doesn’t exist… [T]his can lead to headaches for users during
their research and fact checking…”
—Futurism
Cranial, brainial
“basilar ganglia”
physiologically
doesn’t exist.
Though it might seem a bit
counterintuitive,
headaches induced by it
may well persist.
by Bruce Bennett
“Lake Alice, a 26-acre local gem nestled in the crook of Minnesota’s eastern border, was drained to nearly
nothing after maintenance staff found that the valve meant to control its water levels was stuck.”
—The Washington Post
What’s going on? She isn’t here.
Alice is gone. Things disappear.
A pile of fish flop in her place.
Swiftly, almost without a trace,
What’s loved may vanish! We’re bereft!
We gaze. There’s almost nothing left.
This world, once filled with love and laughter,
is doomed. We see what’s coming after:
Destruction. Horrors. Drought. The works!
Just peer around. There Evil lurks.
Yet, don’t give up. Just take a break.
Hope whispers, Find another lake.
Don’t bow and yield your world to Malice.
Lakes will outlast this. Go ask Alice.
by Geoffrey Basking
“It’s difficult to say why Seuss’s books have gripped us for over six decades.
Green Eggs and Ham is an especially mysterious text, open to multiple interpretations.”
—Jess de Courcy in LitHub
I am Gripped. Gripped I am.
That Gripped-I-Am! That Gripped-I-Am! It’s hard to get that Gripped-I-Am!
Do you get Green Eggs and Ham?
I do not get it, Gripped-I-Am.
I do not get Green Eggs and Ham.
Could you get it in a course?
I could not get it in a course.
I do not recognize its source.
I cannot parse it worth a damn.
I do not get it, Gripped-I-Am.
Could you get it with a gloss?
Could you get it wrapped in floss?
I could not get it with a gloss.
I could not get it wrapped in floss.
I could not get it in a course.
It might as well be made in Morse.
I do not get Green Eggs and Ham.
I do not get it, Gripped-I-Am.
Could you get it with a crow?
Could you get it with Foucault?
Could you get it through Les Mis?
Try it! Try it! Here it is!
I would not, could not with a crow!
I would not, could not with Foucault!
I do not get Green Eggs and Ham!
I do not get it, Gripped-I-Am!
You do not get it, so say you.
Try it with a child of two!
Try it! Try it! Do, do, do!
Wham! I get Green Eggs and Ham!
I get why everyone is gripped!
And I would get it in a crypt!
And I would get it on a flan!
And I would get it with De Man!
And I would get it with the Queen!
And with Lacan! And with Bakhtin!
I understand Green Eggs and Ham!
Thank you, thank you, Gripped-I-Am.
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“I’m a [family doctor]—it’s a myth that you shouldn’t swim straight after eating”
—The i Paper
But if you’ve eaten beans, don’t venture
Deeper than your knee—
You might let off a big one
That propels you out to sea.
by Thomas Germana
“Frugal NC lottery winner has lofty plan with newfound cash — buy thicker bologna”
—Charlotte Observer
I hardly buy his modest act,
His precious parsimony.
No, not at all. I think, in fact,
He’s full of (thin) bologna.
by Thomas Germana
“SpaceX launched disease-causing bacteria to the International Space Station”
—Live Science
I must admit, I’m not surprised
That that was brought in tow.
As much as it was ill-advised,
It is their CEO.
by Bruce Bennett
It used to be Three Kings.
Now it is CEOs.
What progress history brings!
It used to be Three Kings.
Now there are no such things.
A Savior Heaven chose?
No way! We’ve different Kings
And bowing CEO’s.
by Chris O’Carroll
“I will be sworn in as an ICE agent, ASAP.”
–Former Superman actor Dean Cain
Dean’s new hero role is ICE-man.
What bad hombres he’ll expel
Once he dons the mask he’ll wear to
Bust illegals like Kal-El.
by Alex Steelsmith
“Hot dog spill closes Pennsylvania interstate”
—UPI
Squishily, squashily,
thousands of frankfurters
littered the interstate,
widely dispersed.
Notable experts in
accidentology
said that the problem was
frankly the wurst.
by Dan Campion
“Proposed spacecraft could carry up to 2,400 people on a one-way trip
to the nearest star system, Alpha Centauri”
—Live Science
The trip would take four hundred years,
And at the end’s a planet
That may sustain life, it appears.
Good luck to those who man it,
The ship they’ve named the Chrysalis.
I hope that when they scan it
The planet proves an isle of bliss
And butterfly wings fan it.
by Clyde Always
“Naked man wearing only balaclava and plastic clogs—and carrying sex toy on a stick—
terrifies European tourists [in Slovakia]”
—New York Post
“Naked man in gimp mask caught on bizarre video prowling quiet town [in England]”
—New York Post
In two distinct cases
a mask-wearing outlaw
was spotted. One slinks
and the other one struts.
If asked what the photos
of both of these fugitives
clearly expose, I would
answer: they’re nuts.
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“‘Richard Osman made £10m, I made £250’: The money novelists really make”
—The i Paper
Instead of spending ages writing novels
For hardly any money, why not rhyme?
There isn’t any money in it either,
But poems take a fraction of the time.
by Timothy Steele
Such innocence! Our Age of Dread
Would sink poor Lucy in a trice.
Her hair would damn her as a Red
And Ricky would be seized by ICE.
by Barbara Loots
“‘Dodgy looking’ clip of Trump playing golf in Scotland sparks cheating debate”
—The Guardian
“The president has been accused of cheating relentlessly at his favorite pastime…”
—The Daily Beast
Where is the prez while democracy dies?
Out on the golf course improving his lies.
His score’s always lower than most other folks’.
He pardons himself quite a number of strokes.
“You’re down in the weeds?” says the prez. “Oh, that’s tough!
My beautiful balls never land in the rough.
“My drive’s in the water? Well, don’t look around—it
Just landed right here in the cup where I found it!
“Birdies and pars! I’m the champ at this sport.
It’s a gimme whenever my putt’s a bit short.
“Rules are for suckers. I play my own game.
If you’re the big loser—well, you take the blame.
“As golf buddies go, I’m the World’s Number One.
I’m always the winner and isn’t that fun?
“I don’t give a f**k if you don’t win a hole.
I’ve already raked in your dues—and your soul.”
by Julia Griffin
“Massive lightning bolt from Texas to Missouri breaks record for world’s longest flash
The 515-mile bolt occurred during a 2017 storm and was discovered during a review of satellite data”
—The Dallas Morning News
In 2017, a bolt of lightning
Burst over three full states’ expanse of skies.
Then it was voted bothersome and fright’ning,
But eight years on, we’re giving it a prize.
(It took one second till the flash was past,
But we, though also bright, aren’t quite so fast.)