“My father picked every single photo in this book, wrote all the captions, including some by hand.” —Donald Trump, Jr., talking about his father’s coffee-table book Our Journey Together, which will retail for $74.99 ($229.99 for a signed copy)
These are the shots the author picks.
He’s great at hands-on politics.
Check out the epic price he sticks
You with for all his hand-picked pics.
The words he writes with are the best,
As captions for his photos test-
Ify. Kim, Putin, and the rest
Will read his book and feel caressed.
“From California to Minnesota to Massachusetts, turkeys have taken a liking to university life, leading to social media stardom and crosswalk confrontations.” —The New York Times
Turkey, turkey, on the lawn,
Tell me please what’s going on.
Please don’t stand there. Let me pass.
I’m already late for class.
Turkey, turkey, in the Quad,
Surely there is something odd
In the way you make me fear I’m the one who shouldn’t be here.
Faced with your assertive pride, I’m the one who steps aside. I’m the one who wonders what
Powers your determined strut.
Turkey, tell me I am wrong.
Teach me I too can belong
With the brightest and the best.
Turkey, help me pass this test!
Locking up the store at 5 PM
in mid-November, I feel horror clutch
my throat with twig-dry fingers as I watch
an overlarge full moon, gold hoop skirt hemmed
with spidery gray lace, lurch into sight.
I know that daylight savings time’s to blame
for its too-early advent; all the same,
my body feels betrayed, as when the bite
of rheumatism makes my kneecaps hiss—
too old, too fast, too soon. Years prior to this,
I met a green man on a mountainside
who offered me eternal life if I’d
consent that very hour to be his bride.
If he returned tonight, I might say yes.
“‘Is It Okay To. . .’: The Bot That Gives You An Instant Moral Judgment” —The Guardian
The words of great philosophers, though plagued by human folly, Are moral more than merely epigram,
But only if they lived and walked among us here, by golly— Said no sage yet, I think, therefore I RAM.
“Gunther the top dog cashes in on $31m mansion: German shepherd has put his Miami home up for sale but don’t worry, he owns several more” —The Times
I have diamond-studded collars,
And a basket made of gold
(I’m worth half a billion dollars)
And for keeping out the cold,
I wear cashmere from Brioni,
And galoshes from McQueen,
The most affluent Alsatian
That the world has ever seen.
I uphold the highest standards
Of the canine upper classes,
And deplore the lower orders
Sniffing one another’s asses.
If out walking with my butler,
Should he call, I pay no heed,
It’s important to remind him
That it’s I who take the lead.
My abode has just been listed.
I’m not sure that I approve,
And I’ve doggedly insisted,
When it comes the time to move,
That I must be groomed and rested,
I will brook no ifs or buts.
Let my patience not be tested,
For I’m not like other mutts.
It’s essential that I’m treated
In the most respectful way,
If I’m not, I may get heated.
What am I, some kind of stray?
Just make sure my new location,
Be it mansion, house or flat,
Is befitting of my station,
And does not include a cat.
“Regarding the recent news released on the official website of the WTA, the content has not been
confirmed or verified by myself and it was released without my consent. The news in that release,
including the allegation of sexual assault, is not true. I’m not missing, nor I am unsafe. I’ve just been
resting at home and everything is fine. Thank you again for caring about me.” —Email from the account of the Chinese tennis player Peng Shuai
Regarding recent news, let no one chafe:
I am not missing, nor I am unsafe;
I’ve just been too fatigued to step outside
Because of claims I have not verified,
Including one of sexual assault
Which is in fact untrue and no one’s fault.
No content’s been released with my consent.
I’m resting in my home. That’s where I went.
Thank you for caring. Everything is fine.
The words that you are reading here are mine.
“Stephen K. Bannon, the former Trump White House adviser who was indicted last week for defying a congressional subpoena, surrendered to federal authorities Monday morning…” —The Washington Post
He was “Steve Bannon” yesterday,
And now today he’s “Stephen K.”
Next stop, that awful badge of shame—
Congress incants full Middle Name?
Recall how, when that trial was on,
The orange one was “Donald John.”
“‘QAnon Shaman’ Jacob Chansley sentenced to 41 months in prison for role in US Capitol riot … [In court] Chansley… described wanting to live his life like Jesus Christ and Gandhi.” —CNN
How fearsome you looked in your horns & your fur
& your mug all encrusted in paint…
So, maybe a talented LARPer you are—
a messiah you certainly ain’t.
“Russia’s COVID-19 deaths set daily record… while the the total number of coronavirus infections
…in the country has topped 9 million.” —Associated Press
“Ukraine says Russia has nearly 100,000 troops near its border.” —Reuters
Doubledy troubledy
Eastern Ukrainians,
fearing what Putin is
likely to do,
scramble to bolster their
armamentaria
and, while they’re at it, their
armaments too.
“Police will not investigate cash-for-peerages allegations against Tories” —Independent
Cough up ten grand, back in Lloyd George’s day, And you’d be “Sir”—’twas fifty grand for “Lord.” Shell thirty grand out, and your “Sir” would stay Hereditary for your son’s reward … Fast-forward to the present day: new laws On honours now forbid their sale, and yet Rich donors to the Tory party cause Have confidence three million pounds will net One peerage. Though it sounds a bit like graft, No cop can prove it’s not a legal kind Of practice in the politician’s craft, UK-style … So historians will find Reform has failed to change how “Lord” is sold— Save now the price has risen sixtyfold!
“China: Man banned from all-you-can-eat BBQ for eating too much Mr Kang said the restaurant is ‘discriminatory’ against people who can eat a lot. ‘I can eat a lot—is that a fault?’ he said, adding that he didn’t waste any of the food. But the restaurant owner told the same reporter that Mr Kang was putting him out of pocket. … ‘Even when he drinks soy milk, he can drink 20 or 30 bottles. When he eats the pork trotters, he consumes the whole tray of them. And for prawns, usually people use tongs to pick them up, he uses a tray to take them all.'” —BBC News
Pork trotters on the menu? Yes!
I’ll have—three kilograms, I guess.
Prawns? Excellent! Let’s take a tray
And load it up. Saves time that way:
Why fuss with little tongs when you
Have half a tank to bulldoze through?
Ooh, soy milk bottles!—I’ll have twenty.
I do appreciate this plenty,
So why on earth have I been banned?
I do not waste, nor understand:
Why should this miser whine and cringe
To see me on my merry binge?
I eat a lot—is that a fault?
Discrimination! Pass the salt.
