by Jerome Betts
“The Conservatives have lost the North Shropshire seat they
held for nearly 200 years to the Liberal Democrats in a by-election blow to Boris Johnson.
Winner Helen Morgan overturned a Tory majority of almost 23,000…”
—BBC News
(with apologies to A.E. Housman)
When all the votes were reckoned
In Oswestry and Wem
The Tory limped in second,
The winner was Lib Dem.
From Durham now to Dover,
One question rules the day:
His party over,
It’s curtains for BJ?
by Susan McLean
“‘[Sex and the City] fans, like me, are saddened by the news that Mr. Big dies of a heart attack,”
Dr. Suzanne Steinbaum, a member of Peloton’s health and wellness advisory council and a
preventative cardiologist told the LA Times. “Mr. Big lived what many would call an extravagant
lifestyle… . Riding his Peloton Bike may have even helped delay his cardiac event.”
—CNN
When Mr. Big collapsed onscreen,
our shares went in the tank.
Though we’d be sorry to sound mean,
he had himself to thank.
Cocktails, cigars, high risks, big steaks—
the list goes on and on.
Those were his lifestyle-choice mistakes,
and not his Peloton.
by Dan Campion
“The iPhone Feature to Turn On Before You Die”
—The Wall Street Journal
I would respectfully suggest,
Jobs willing, that it might be best
To turn on, or at least to try,
All iPhone tricks before you die,
As, even with an eSIM card,
To do it later may prove hard.
by Bruce Bennett
… “[Oreos] are being used in new high-tech rat traps, which have been spotted around the city.”
—The New York Times
Oreos have met the test:
Peanut butter is the best.
Rats get hooked on easy bait,
then are tricked and meet their fate.
PETA, though, is not a fan.
It objects, and if it can,
it will protest and subvert.
Rats, like people, shouldn’t be hurt.
They’re just trying to get by.
That shouldn’t mean they have to die.
Clean the garbage up instead.
No New Yorker should be dead.
Spend the money and the time.
Being hungry’s not a crime.
No one should condemn their foes
just for craving Oreos!
by Ruth S. Baker
“Kyoto—A team of scientists at a university in western Japan has developed masks that glow
when exposed to ultraviolet light if they contain traces of the coronavirus,
using antibodies extracted from ostrich eggs.”
—Kyodo News
The eggs of these ostriches
Come at a cost which is
Worth it. The virus
Itself is admirous:
It glows! See the photo,
From beaming Kyoto.
by Clyde Always
“Okay it’s done: We’re ‘fully vaxxed’
and begging on our knees:
Can all restrictions be relaxed?
Oh, pretty-pretty-please?”
“Of course they can, and bless your heart;
so glad you understand…
Go out and play (two yards apart)
with vax cards close at hand.
No, wait! Come back! Oh me, oh my!
It’s COVID’s newest spawn:
the Omi-sigma-theta-pi-
omega-delta-cron!
The cases are about to rise!
This variant’s our doom!
Go cover all beneath your eyes
and gather via ZOOM!
How well behaved you’ve been—you bet!
But ‘fully vaxxed’ you’re not…
So, run along now. Go and get
your latest booster shot.”
“Okay it’s done: We’re ‘fully vaxxed’
and begging on our knees:
Can all restrictions be relaxed?
Oh, pretty-pretty-please?”
by Alex Steelsmith
“CNN fires Chris Cuomo Amid Inquiry Into His Efforts to Aid His Brother…
The spectacle of a high-profile anchor advising his powerful politician brother amid scandal
was a longstanding headache for many CNN journalists… It also emerged that Andrew Cuomo
had arranged for his brother’s Covid tests to receive priority treatment by the state.”
—The New York Times
Doubledy dippledy,
Cuomo the journalist
helped, and was helped by, his
governor bro.
Both were accustomed to
interdependently
give and receive; every
quid was pro-Cuo.
by Bruce Bennett
… “The oysters, which act as nonstop water filters, were added to the Hudson River
as part of an ongoing project to rehabilitate the polluted waterways around the city.”
—The New York Times
Oysters are coming back Ta ta
but don’t reach for your fork.
It’s good for us and good for them
and good for Old New York!
Yet, you will have to wait a bit
if you’re a Gent of Taste,
since they’ve absorbed some “centuries’ worth”
of sewage, trash, and waste.
Still, do not fret. We clever chaps
find means to serve our ends.
You need not eat. Just throw a bash
and serve them to your friends.
Then read the headlines in the Times.
They love to print a scoop.
Imagine! Would-Be Swells and Toffs
Join Oysters in the Soup.
by Julia Griffin
“How a Cream Cheese Shortage Is Impacting NYC Bagel Shops”
—The New York Times
Oy veh! Vey ist mir!
A shortage of schmear!
I’m feeling verklempt;
My bagel’s unkempt;
What sort of schlemiel
Takes this as a meal?
Can nothing be safe?
This lox is now treyf.
by Orel Protopopescu
“Camels ejected from beauty contest over Botox use and other ‘tampering'”
—CNN
If you own a dromedary,
long of neck and not too hairy
that possesses sexy eyes,
it might win a pricy prize:
Millions for a camel beauty
judges deem a hot patootie
worthy of Abdulaziz.
But beware their expertise!
Turquoise eyes? I’ll lose my senses!
Freak of nature? Contact lenses!
Such long lashes! How they coil!
Lash extensions? Castor oil?
Check these ballet legs, what killers!
Have they been enhanced by fillers?
And that rump! Just too delicious?
Bootyliciously suspicious?
Don’t put lipstick on your camel
or resort to nail enamel,
hormones, silicone or stretching
to make stiffened limbs more fetching.
Only fools dream they’ll outfox
wily experts with Botox.
They are rarely ever stumped.
Kiss of death! Were those lips plumped?
by Dan Campion
“Better.com CEO apologizes after laying off 900 employees via Zoom call”
—Reuters
The “better” way is really “best”
When market movements say divest:
Don’t sit (so awkward!) in a room
With stiffs recruited in a boom—
Just disconnect their link to Zoom.
(A dot-com CEO is wise,
Pro forma, to apologize.)
by James Hamby
“The army will be awarding Purple Hearts to 39 soldiers who were injured in January of 2020
when Iran struck their airbase in Iraq. … Injured soldiers told CBS that they were pressured to
downplay the extent of their injuries as to not undercut public comments that former President
Trump had made about the incident. Trump had described the injuries as ‘not very serious.'”
—The Hill
The Purple Hearts
Were from the start
Well-earned in the attack,
But for his part
The Knave of Hearts
Gave no award for that.
He called wounds ruses
And bumps and bruises
And said all kinds of crap,
But this same knave
Found rioters brave,
So he can shut his trap.
by Chris O’Carroll
“Usage of the medication sildenafil—better known to most as the brand-name drug Viagra—
is associated with dramatically reduced incidence of Alzheimer’s disease, new research suggests.”
—ScienceAlert.com
The drug that fosters your erection
May also offer you protection
Against dementia. Anti-droopy
Pills seem likewise anti-loopy.
Take a dose, get hard in bed,
And ward off softness in the head.
by Steve Bremner
“Starbucks workers in Buffalo won a pathbreaking bid to form a union
after votes were counted on Thursday, part of a wave of labor activism
sweeping the country in the wake of the pandemic.”
—The Washington Post
So they’re part of the union, and I have a dream
That these silently suffering staff,
On receiving an order for a venti salted caramel mocha
frappucino with five pumps of frap roast, four pumps of
caramel sauce, four pumps of caramel syrup, three pumps
of mocha, three pumps of toffee nut syrup, double blended
with extra whipped cream,
Will at last be permitted to laugh.
by Steven Kent
“British Airways looks to recycled cooking oil fuel to cut jet emissions”
—The Guardian
Attention folks, this is your captain speaking:
I know a few of you might have concerns
About the smell you think is oil leaking;
Don’t worry, folks, that’s just the way it burns.
We’ll make the friendly skies a whole lot greener;
We’re trying to do a whole new kind of thing
By finding fuels that drive our engines cleaner
At Wendy’s, Waffle House, and Burger King.