by Dan Campion

“Astronauts… made themselves space tacos”
—NPR

Rod Serling never thought of this
Peculiar metamorphosis
From astronauts to tacos.
My guess is that, for weightless bliss,
Rod might have floated nachos.

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“Boris Johnson used to mock ‘eco-doomsters.’ Now he’s a climate champion.”
—The Washington Post

Do as I say and not as I once said:
Old Daily Telegraphs record my sneers
At crusties—which I hope you haven’t read,
Since I’ve now U-turned over climate fears!
In doomsday terms, it’s almost midnight now.
So bike or walk, ride trains, ditch coal, don’t tilt
At windmill power. Eat more vegan chow—
You must unstitch our suffocating quilt
At once, or stand no chance of racing to
Net zero well before it’s far too late! …
Do as I say and not as I can do:
No train can get me to my dinner date
On time. So I will fly—and you will see
That rules I make do not apply to me!

by Steve Bremner

November 5 (Guy Fawkes Night/Firework Night in the UK) “is also known as Bonfire Night. Effigies
are thrown on the fires—traditionally of Guy Fawkes, but sometimes of other unpopular people, such
as certain politicians or soccer players.”
—The Mercury News

“Please to remember the Fifth of November…”
—Trad. British rhyme

(with apologies to Tom Jones and Harvey Schmidt)

Please to remember the kind of November
When news was slow and oh, so mellow.
Please to remember the kind of November
When neither Reds nor Blues were yellow.
Please to remember the kind of November
When pols saw their lessons and strove to learn them.
If you remember, then model your Member,
And burn them.

Deep in December, it’s wise to remember
That soccer’s on, though snow is flying.
Deep in December, it’s wise to remember
The “fool” who flubbed, still out there trying.
Deep in December, it’s wise to remember
That some we’ll forgive, but some others, spurn them.
Only December? Can’t wait for November
To burn them.

by Steven Kent

“Apple’s Most Back-Ordered New Product Is Not What You Expect: It’s A $19 Cloth”
—The New York Times

We know how the old fable goes,
But that of the king with no clothes
Has nothing on Apple—
Mere reason can’t grapple
When folks want to pay through the nose.

by Clyde Always

“Wife shocked to learn husband’s cadaver dissected at pay-per-view event”
—Global News

Cadaver donors please beware!
I warn with gravest candor:
you may be cleaved beyond repair
for half-a-grand a gander.

by Nora Jay

COP26

If you should spot a lanternfly,
Do not be charmed by it: instead
Remember what it’s nourished by,
And squash the little blighter dead.

The lanternfly, you see, is just
A predatory incubus:
And Earth’s already incubussed
Quite efficaciously, by us.

by Alex Steelsmith

“G-20 make mild pledges on climate neutrality… [T]he leaders ‘took only baby steps’ in the agreement
and did almost nothing new… The leaders said they were ‘working on actionable options…’”
–AP News

Blabbity blabbity,
carbon neutrality
seemed like a serious
goal, but in fact

leaders still working on
actionability
weren’t, apparently,
able to act.

by Iris Herriot

“One woman, an adult actress and model on OnlyFans, said she was a ‘patriot’ after she was
sentenced to 14 days behind bars for a picture showing her buttocks near the Kremlin walls.”
—The Guardian

My patriotic fervor truly dazzles;
I go wherever loyalism calls,
To measure up my breasts against St. Basil’s,
Or air my buttocks near the Kremlin walls.

by Jerome Betts

“English town mourning Derek the Goose to raise statue in her honour. … Watchet harbour
was the inspiration for Samuel Taylor Coleridge’s poem The Rime of the Ancient Mariner and a
striking statue of the sailor and the albatross he shoots is a landmark in the town.”
—The Guardian

Not far from that amazing bird
Which leaves the Coleridge-reader stirred,
Derek, the wrongly-gendered goose
Who sadly suffered fox-abuse
Upon the slipway once her dorm,
May live again, in solid form,
Like regal eagles, royal swans,
And cheer up Watchet, cast in bronze.

by Steve Bremner

“Facebook whistleblower Frances Haugen says she’s ‘shocked’ by the scale of Facebook’s ‘metaverse’ plans.
Facebook recently said it would hire 10,000 people to build the metaverse.”
—Business Insider

What the FitzGerald? Are they telling me
That social media’s seizing poetry?
That every Netizen shall rhyme and scan?
Half can’t tell ‘its’ from ‘it’s’ or ‘then’ from ‘than.’
All measured, metered metaphor will go
In fav. of curt abbrev’s, IMHO,
As every bore confusing ‘your’ with ‘you’re’
Becomes the next McGonagall or Moore,
And each Diana, Darren, Dee, and Don
Pounds out vast Cantos WITH THE CAPS LOCK ON.
Ye gods, the vision makes the senses reel!
To arms, my bards! (Merci, Rouget de Lisle).
‘Mid such dank swamps, so ‘yuge’ we’ll never drain them,
Let’s raise our standards—or at least maintain them—
And when we meet a colleague in despair
Console them with a kindly, “There, their, they’re.”

by Julia Griffin

“Spanx chief gives all employees first-class plane tickets and $10,000
Shapewear company founder Sara Blakely surprised employees at a party
to mark Spanx’s new $1.2bn valuation”
—The Guardian

Sara, queen of shapely vesture,
Made a sweetly fitting gesture,
Giving all her employees
First-class tickets overseas,
Letting everyone escape where
They might shed all thoughts of shapewear,
Briefly free from stringent Spanx.
Spanxers, raise a thong of thanx!

by Alex Steelsmith

“A cyclist survived an attack from a 500-pound bear by kicking the animal…”
—CNN

Steadily pedaly
quadriceps femoris,
bicycle-trained to be
powerfully quick,

offers a grizzly a
highly discouraging
unmetaphorical
finishing kick.

by Paul Lander

It’s so damn wet that
The Statue of Liberty’s
Wearing a snorkel.

by Bruce Bennett

“Seneca Falls Voters Weigh Garbage Odors Against Fear of Tax Hikes;
Will Landfill’s Mandated Dec. 2025 Closing Date Stick?”
—Water Front Online blog

The landfill? Let’s face it. It reeks!
No wonder the Town Board now seeks
A date for its closing.
Who wants to be nosing
That mountain of garbage? Its peaks

Tower over and spoil the view.
Who’d want that beside them? Would you?
But wait. Higher taxes?
Perhaps that relaxes
Your outrage and urge to go Pew!

by Chris O’Carroll

“The title of first female four-star officer gets taken by a man.”
—Tweet from Congressman Jim Banks (R-Indiana) commenting on
Rachel Levine’s promotion to four-star admiral

Jim Banks is such a little girl,
Her knickers all a-twist,
Tweeting, “I’ll say what sex you are.
No, sweetie, I insist.”