by Jerome Betts
“Andy Murray says his Monday opponent [at the U.S. Open] employs stall tactics too often.”
—The New York Times
An Open contender (yes, Greek)
Took minutes on end for a leak—
A fact Andy M.
Felt forced to condemn
As a sign of bad bathroom technique.
by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons
“Ireland under attack from sex-crazed spiders ‘the size of your hand'”
—The Irish Post
September’s when a spider colleen’s mom
Exhorts her nubile daughter to beware—
X-rated movies, not a sweet rom-com,
Could be what spider lads show in their lair!
Red-blooded male arachnids on the prowl,
As August ends, are in a mating war:
Zoologists see all means fair or foul
Employed by sex-crazed Irish males to score! …
Don’t bother spiders on the make tonight—
In Ireland, in your house! They may be dead
Reluctant to attack you, but they’ll bite
If you disturb them mating on your bed!
Soon all the males will die, and when they do,
House spiders will return your house to you!
by Iris Herriot
“US supreme court refuses to block extreme Texas abortion law …
‘In reaching this conclusion, we stress that we do not purport to resolve definitively any jurisdictional
or substantive claim in the applicants’ lawsuit. In particular, this order is not based on any conclusion
about the constitutionality of Texas’s law, and in no way limits other procedurally proper challenges
to the Texas law, including in Texas state courts,” the court said in the unsigned order.”
—The Guardian
We stress that it isn’t our aim
To deny any substantive claim
In the applicants’ suit,
Or their right to dispute
Texas law, if they’re set on the same;
No challenge is hereby confined,
Of a proper-procedural kind;
There can be no illusion
About this conclusion,
And that’s why we’ve left it unsigned.
by Alex Steelsmith
“McDonald’s says it has pulled milkshakes from the menu in all 1,250 of its British restaurants
because of supply problems stemming from a shortage…”
—AP News
“Spotted: Cow at a McDonald’s drive-through in Wisconsin… Jessica Nelson… looked up to see a cow
in the backseat of a Buick sedan three cars ahead of her.”
—AP News
Hi-ho the dairy-o,
fast-food establishments
faced with a shortage of
milkshakes are now
quick to encourage an
improvisational
milk-source alternative:
Bring Your Own Cow.
by Eddie Aderne
“UK judge orders rightwing extremist to read classic literature or face prison”
—The Guardian
“The white supremacist student sentenced to read Austen and Dickens fits a grim pattern”
—The Guardian
Condemned to Pride and Prejudice,
The thug was nothing loath,
Believing (with some grounds for this)
He had a start on both.
This sentence did not win, I guess,
Ubiquitous ovations;
At least it would appear the Press
Had no great expectations.
by Chris O’Carroll
Lavender’s gay. The rainbow, too.
And Ford’s truck hue Performance Blue
Is newly LGBTQ.
That shade of blue looks “very gay”
Some ass online is heard to bray.
Designing minds make campy hay.
Rainbow swooshes meet gold glitter—
Now the truck’s a gayer critter.
Queer wit wins the day on Twitter.
by Nora Jay
“Florida radio host who called himself ‘Mr Anti-Vax’ dies of Covid-19”
—The Guardian
Farewell to Mr Anti-Vax,
Who flexed his freedom to the max;
He ran his mouth and would not mask it.
His speech was free; not so his casket.
by Alex Steelsmith
“Afghan President Ashraf Ghani reportedly fled Kabul with $169 million in cash”
—The Week
Trickery quickery,
Ghani the President
wasn’t suspected of
being a con
till they discovered he’d
opportunistically
grabbed all the cash and was
totally Ghan.
by Brandon Hyer
“Nirvana’s famous naked baby SUES band for child pornography:
Man – now aged 30 – who appeared on iconic cover of 1991 Nevermind album
claims $2.5m damages.”
—Daily Mail
He was wet, he was young, it was sunny.
Decades older, he thinks it’s not funny
That his schnitzel was shown
To buy grunge a new throne
So he’s still swimming after the money.
by Steven Kent
“Roger Federer’s Biggest Legacy? It Might Be His Billion-dollar Brand”
—The New York Times
Oh sure, I love the game, but understand
It’s how I got myself to this tax bracket.
My life’s gone even better than I planned—
I’ve really got a handle on this racket.
by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons
Low tide drew pilgrims to the hallowed isle
An abbot, Aidan, founded long ago,
Recruiting souls with missionary guile,
Redeeming those once bound for down below …
Years later, Lindisfarne’s a tourist trap.
Last week it met Walt Disney in disguise,
A garish green and yellow landtrain chap
Named Larry, whose new shuttle enterprise
Dishonoured Lindisfarne—a place of peace,
Tranquillity and awe, not Disney fun,
Riled locals screeched! Their squeaky wheels got grease,
And Larry’s froze, his trial run undone …
It seems that locals still share Aidan’s goal:
No landtrain’s welcome if it has no soul!
by Julia Griffin
It’s time, dear kin, to prove how much
You relatively merit,
For such as August shows me, such
Will be what you inherit.
September’s waiting at the door:
I hear its heavy breathing;
So, if you’d rather not be poor,
Make nice while I’m bequeathing.
Although my main concern’s my soul,
(Assume that a priori),
A will, I find, does cheer the whole
Memento mori story.
by Barbara Loots
Don’t you do my body harm
jabbin’ poison in my arm!
My insides are safe and clean.
Got hydroxychloroquine!
If it’s Covid I’m suspectin’
I can count on ivermectin.
That’ll fix me up, and how!
Stuff deworms a horse or cow.
Fever? Lost my sense of smell?
Trust the Lord’ll make me well.
Nothin’ else that I can do??
Save me in the ICU!!
by Coleman Glenn
“‘There’s a trend in New York right now where people are wearing merch: carrying totes
from local delis, hardware stores or their favorite steakhouse…’ It turns out the wholehearted
embrace of cotton totes may actually have created a new problem. An organic cotton tote needs to be
used 20,000 times to offset its overall impact of production.”
—The New York Times
In Brooklyn Heights the height of haute
couture includes a cotton tote
with logos from a local shop—
but soon, some say, this fad must stop.
The carbon cost of growing cotton
offsets what gains the world has gotten
from cutting back on cheapo plastic.
Today the true iconoclastic
shopper won’t use bags at all
but just bare arms—although, recall
those local shops whose names adorned
the bags. Must these boutiques be scorned?
No! They’ll be thrilled to offer you
a free, on-brand, bespoke tattoo.
by Alex Steelsmith
“The beach-side landmark, Lucy the Elephant, is having all of its metal skin replaced…”
—Associated Press
Pachyderm epiderm,
Lucy the Elephant
needs a new hide that is
top of the line.
Not a big story, but
dermatological
experts consider it
elephantine.