by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons
“After years of criticism, the Whitehall body that regulates the revolving door between those in public office
and subsequent private earnings is to be scrapped.”
—The Guardian
The rule is clear: a minister whose gig
Has ceased should wait at least three months before
Receiving—from the right-wing press—a big
Emolument for words. Three months or more
Elapsing was no sweat for Boris J:
Month meant a day for Telegraph largesse,
Or just ten mins when Daily Mail could pay.
Narrating tales of others who’d transgress
The three-month rule, a watchdog chair said they
Had been befuddled, even though they too
Ran government (in constant disarray)
Until they left … I’d craft the rule anew:
Let three months be when ministers can get
Ejected if not unbefuddled yet!
—ABC News
by Richard Wakefield
This is the stomping ground of self-styled studs
who shake the ground with thunderous thumps and thuds.
They strut their stuff, for any dino guy knows
an earthquake will impress the lady dinos—
a Jurassic aprhodisiac, a dance
enticing them to dinosaur romance.
But over time the hopeful fellows see
the charm wear off, as inexplicably
their antics leave the girls unagitated.
The disappointed boys go home unmated.
The asteroid that comes to end it all
in fact is just a crashing disco ball.
by Philip Kitcher
“Republicans in Congress shift to backing Ukraine, matching Trump’s reversal”
—New York Times
If you say that it’s needed,
I surely shall agree—
or that it’s superseded,
it’s quite OK with me.
My psyche’s constant feeder
with nourishment and drink:
instruct me please, dear leader,
in what I ought to think.
by Julia Griffin
“French prisoner escapes in fellow inmate’s bag, officials say”
—BBC
Behind the bars this week they brag;
In front, they’re taking flak:
The inmates had it in the bag;
Some guard should get the sack.
by Steven Kent
“‘What should be taught in schools?’: The infamous ‘Scopes monkey trial’ turns 100”
—The Guardian
The fight was never human/ape/whatever,
But cut right to the chase of our democracy:
Are Church and State aligned? Is law the lever
By which the zealots push us toward theocracy?
Our Founders spelled it out with great precision:
Belief (or lack) free-chosen, not draconian,
Yet some now preach a very different vision,
Which sadly looks a lot less Jeffersonian.
by Marshall Begel
“Judge’s ruling means Charlottesville has no zoning laws whatsoever right now”
—Charlottesville Tomorrow
My nuclear reactor runs this Bitcoin math routine.
I advertise my poker games by robocall machine.
My bathtub liquor’s crafted for the most discerning taste.
I’m renting out my yard for storing tanks of toxic waste.
My kids are selling pandas from experimental cloning.
Some dreams are only possible with unrestricted zoning.
by Stephen Gold
“Prime Minister supports girl punished for [wearing] Union Jack dress on diversity day.”
—The Times
Hip, hip hooray!
It’s Diversity Day,
When we celebrate cultures
From far, far away.
Bring your saris, ganduras, kimonos and kwas.
Dress to impress us, kids! Show us pizzazz!
What will you wear?
Choose your costume with care,
To ensure the best possible fit.
Pick a tribe little-known.
No! You can’t pick your own!
It’s unfitting to flag you’re a Brit.
by Harrison Glaze
“Cowbird mothers abandon their eggs in the nests of the other bird species, but the chicks
somehow manage to find their flock and learn what they really are.”
—The New York Times
Though I am large and brown,
My parents were canaries;
Once I outgrew my down
My lot seemed solitary
Till a bird from out of town
Said, “You’re a cowbird, Harry.”
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“Is buying with friends the answer to a tough housing market?”
—BBC
As long as everybody pulls their weight,
And no one shirks the cooking or the cleaning,
Or always leaves the front door on the latch,
Or clatters home at 3 a.m. still steaming,
Or borrows things and has to be reminded,
Or snores all night, or doesn’t wash their clothes
As often as they should, “To save the oceans,”
And tells you while they’re looking down their nose,
Or slopes around au naturel, or has
A very noisy love life, or possesses
Some strange ideas regarding hygiene, and
Insists we all have self-ablutive tresses,
Or plays the drums or saxophone or bagpipes,
Or has a thing for quoting Captain Kirk,
Or any of a million pesky foibles,
Then, damn it all, I think it just might work!
by Paul Lander
Jersey is so wet,
it’s more underwater than
a Trump casino.
by Steven Kent
“Wife of [Texas Attorney General] Ken Paxton Files for Divorce, Citing ‘Recent Discoveries'”
—The New York Times
Though she said her goodbyes over cheating and lies,
Mrs. Paxton is mutedly critical.
Mr. P blames divorce on opponents, of course,
And attacks he condemns as “political.”
Such a scandal-soaked dude, he’s both lucky and shrewd,
Of deception a natural expenitor.
Having learned to shift blame and to shun any shame,
He’s a shoo-in for GOP senator.
by Alex Steelsmith
“[C]ow’s milk may actually be better for you [than oat milk]… Whey protein [which is not found in oat milk]
contains branched-chain amino acids, which are beneficial for muscle growth and recovery.”
—Verywellhealth.com
Higgledy-swiggledy,
cow’s milk enthusiasts
offered alternatives
tend to convey
utter antipathy,
stereotypically
venting objections by
blurting, “No whey!”
by Clyde Always
“A man with ‘boobs’ due to a rare condition is raising funds to have them removed
because he is too [self-]conscious to take his top off on dates.”
—New York Post
Droopity-scoopity,
Thabo of Nottingham
needs a procedure but,
sadly, he’s short.
Give, if you’re able. This
gynecomastia
sufferer surely could
use some support.
by Matt Schatz
“Cole’s French Dip, the oldest restaurant and saloon in Los Angeles, is slated to close its doors Aug. 3.”
—Los Angeles Times
When we think of French dip goals,
We think of jus in little bowls.
And that is what they do at Cole’s.
Philippe, I think it must be said,
Pre-dips delicious drippy bread,
And serves their sandwich soaked instead.
But now we dip Cole’s down to sleep;
We pray the Lord its bowl will keep.
I’m grateful we still have Philippe.
by Dan Campion
“‘It’s just a weird, weird bird’: Why we got the dodo so absurdly wrong”
—BBC
Sometimes a headline fairly screams,
My fellow Sams and Frodos.
We got the dodo wrong, it seems,
Because we are the dodos.
