by Chris O’Carroll

Crazy Dems want Charles Manson to vote!
That’s the scare that Ted Cruz tries to float.
But since Charlie’s been dead
For three years, maybe Ted
Is the wrong legal scholar to quote.

by Katherine Barrett Swett

“Massachusetts Town Begs Residents to Stop Calling about Fish”
—The New York Times

It’s not a shark,
Despite the fin.
Stop calling us.
We are not in.

It’s not unwell,
Despite its lolling.
And by the way,
Could you stop calling?

A nice sunfish,
No need to fuss,
A friendly fish,
You don’t need us.

Post it on Facebook,
If you must,
Or Instagram,
Just don’t call us.

Your local cops
Have just one wish:
Please do not call
About that fish.

by Julia Griffin

“Tourist returns stolen artefacts from Pompeii ‘after suffering curse’
… The Canadian woman, identified only as Nicole, sent a package containing
two mosaic tiles, parts of an amphora and a piece of ceramics to a travel agent
in Pompeii, in southern Italy, alongside a letter of confession. …
‘Please, take them back, they bring bad luck,’ she wrote.”
—The Guardian

The spirits of Pompeii are very loath to be disturbed.
A wish to rob their households is a wish that should be curbed;
Recall Nicole from Canada, who yielded to the aura
Of two mosaic tiles, a shard, and parts of an amphora.

She smuggled them from Naples with her other souvenirs,
And in her chilly northern home they waited many years.
Meanwhile, Nicole, though doubtless much revering them at first,
Was slowly made to feel herself inevitably cursed.

No need to list the nasty things the pilferer endured;
They soaked her like the waters of an overflowing fjord,
Till, medically sick of the avenging bric à brac,
She bowed her head in penitence and sent the whole lot back.

In picturesque Pompeii, upon the rich volcanic loam,
Two tiles and bits of pottery embrace their proper home.
The local gods are smiling, but, to coin an apothegm:
Unless your name’s Vesuvius, don’t mess about with them.

by Nicole Caruso Garcia

Higgledy-Piggledy
Douchious Maximus
wants to be emperor
rather than Prez.

Wishing the best for this
megalomaniac,
“…win the election,” the
Taliban says.

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

The English three-tier system starts off-key:
High’s medium, and Medium is low,
Enabling Very High to be Tier Three—
Variety’s the spice of Covid woe!
All Tier-Three pubs are closed throughout the day.
Last orders in Tier One are called at ten,
Ensuring tipsy throngs form right away
Outside the pub to spread Corona then.
For all three tiers, you still have Rule of Six,
Though it means different things in different tiers:
In Two, indoors, you’re not allowed to mix
Except… oh, I forget, just drink your beers!
Restock home cellars weekly. Don’t run dry—
Some day this vale of tiers shall too pass by!

by Dan Campion

“Virus, stimulus angst hit world stocks as safe U.S. dollar shines”
—Reuters

Angst has struck the lords of stock;
They’re buying greenbacks chockablock.
Our bridges rust, our health declines,
But thank God, our safe dollar shines.

by Jerome Betts

“I don’t get that. You’re the president. You’re not like
someone’s crazy uncle who can just retweet whatever.”
—Savannah Guthrie

Old Uncle Orange Tinges
Is now really off his hinges.
He is cuckoo, barking, loco,
And his ramblings are rococo.

Tweeted slander, lies and libel
Are his blueprint and his Bible
So it truly is essential
He becomes unpresidential.

by Nora Jay

“China insists Genghis Khan exhibit not use words ‘Genghis Khan’”
—The Guardian

The exhibition stars a man much puffed in Kazakhstan:
The bloody-minded emperor we know as                       .
At birth he clutched a blood clot just as big as a pecan,
And later had six wives, this ever-grasping                       .
This fact did not restrain him when he saw a courtesan,
In fact 500 (thereabouts) this randy                       .
Although he persecuted those who followed the Koran,
He had no pictures done of him, this awkward                       .
He introduced an alphabet, took power in Iran,
And unified the Silk Road, this pathetic                       .

by Eddie Aderne

“A rare copy of Shakespeare’s First Folio sold for almost $10 million Wednesday,
becoming the most expensive work of literature ever to appear at auction,
according to Christie’s.”
—CNN

(with apologies to Ben Jonson)

The figure that thou seest was spent
On gentle Shakespeare, every cent,
When someone vowed to have his Will,
And came across for near 10 mill.
O if the buyer had to match
The value of this special catch,
The sale should further still surpass
All that was ever splurged in brass!
But if thou art a reader, look
Not on his pricetag, but his book.

by Barbara Lydecker Crane

Brits are sure that damp and mist
are good for the complexion.
With months to go behind our masks,
we all should reach perfection.

by Brendan Beary

“Pretty fly for a white guy: insect on Mike Pence’s head upstages vice-president”
—The Guardian

Higgledy piggledy
Musca domestica,
a.k.a. housefly, just
proved what we knew;

Entomological
Jargon aside, it’s a
Knack flies possess: how to
Find Number 2.

by Julia Griffin

“A boy gave a Baby Yoda to crews battling Oregon wildfires. They lovingly passed it among firefighters, across state lines.”
—The Washington Post

The fire brigades of Oregon
Have filled their trucks, as per the rules:
Long cords, with reels to wind them on;
Hammers and hydrants; lockout tools;
Protective gear for all the crew:
Those super-boots and tags and gloves;
Big cylinders of CO2;
And last, the one the whole truck loves:
Their Baby Yoda (though we’re told
That those are not his proper names),
To us mere darling, but to bold
Opponents of the Western flames
A doughty, duffle-coated pal.
Firefighters Forcify he shall!

by Nora Jay

“CNN reporter Joe Johns was forced to fend off a raccoon on the White House lawn, moments before going to air. ‘Frickin’ racoons, man. God, again!’ he said.”
—The Guardian

Though not to be reckoned as boons,
Let’s pardon the White House racoons;
Of creatures that sicken,
Racoons, although frickin’,
Are safer than maskless buffoons.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“An angry elk gored a Colorado man finishing a round of golf over the weekend”
—CNN

The golfer needs to understand the rut,
Especially when bulls are on the green.
Elks don’t much care if you just want to putt,
If keen to steal their dames is how you’re seen!
No golfer should be ignorant of how
Golf carts sound like a serenader’s tune:
Once bulls believe you’re coveting a cow,
Forget about a quiet afternoon! …
For golfing irons poking from a bag,
Approaching in a golf cart on the grass,
Not only look like antlers to a stag,
Elks fear they’re in the harem-stealing class! …
Lest you be gored by antlers hard as nails,
Keep golf bags out of sight of rutting males!

by Chris O’Carroll

“What if gay guys took pictures of themselves making out with each other or doing very gay things, then tagged themselves with #ProudBoys. I bet it would mess them up real bad.”
—George Takei

New, fabulous hashtag blows fascists away.
The Pride Boys are owning the Proud Boys today.