“Ned’s shell coils to the left… making him the 1 in 40,000 snails whose sex organs don’t line up with those of the rest of their species. Unless another lefty snail is found, the young gastropod faces a lifetime of unintentional celibacy… [New Zealand Geographic] magazine launched a nationwide campaign to find a mate for Ned… But his inbox has remained empty…” —The Associated Press
Woefully, ruefully, gastropod advocates find that his inbox is empty. Is Ned
destined to live as a celibatarian? Maybe they need to try snail mail instead.
“[A political party in the UK] picked a woman who had been dead for six months as their candidate for… mayor” —The London Economic
She’ll serve out her terms among beetles and worms, immune to extortion and fraud. You never will find our pick changing her mind, unless it gets partially gnawed.
With rigor and cunning, we’ll triumph by running the truest of grass-roots campaigns. She may decompose, but our loyalty shows our confidence in her remains.
“In a Hot Mic Moment, Xi and Putin Muse About Living Forever … Kim Jong-un… appeared to be listening in through another translator.” —The New York Times
Putin, Kim Jong-un, and Xi wish to always, always be.
By their people worshipped, they feel it is their right to stay.
More than that, it is their duty! Lords of Life, and Love, and Beauty,
“Trump fortune balloons by billions after family firm’s crypto token starts trading” —The Guardian
“He gives away his wages,” they all say Robotically, like reading from a script. Oh Well, the truth will taunt them on that day They learn they’ve lost a fortune on his crypto.
“A surgeon with a ‘sexual obsession’ for cutting off parts of his body had his own legs amputated as part of an insurance scam, officials in the UK said…” —New York Post
A surgeon, exposed as a sleaze who envied his fresh amputees, was found guilty of fraud. Now, he’ll answer to God undoubtedly down on his knees.
“The rise of dog-friendly cinema screenings: ‘We never have to break up fights—there’s enough trouble with the humans’” —The Guardian
I take the dogs to Rin Tin Tin and Lassie, To teach them to be loyal, smart and brave, And then I line up Cujo and I tell them, “And here’s what happens when you misbehave.”
“Fast-fashion giant Shein has launched an investigation after an image of Luigi Mangione— accused of murdering UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson in New York last year— was used to model a shirt.” —BBC
The reason why They used the guy Is really not a mystery: He’s super hot. It’s ‘cause he’s got Those killer looks (allegedly).
“Darth Vader’s lightsaber sells at auction for over $3.6 million” —CBS
The blade was on the auction block! A chance so rich and rare Attracted fans from all this planet’s nations. The winner must be walking now on sky—I mean, on air— Heart still astir with palpatineations.
“Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce announce engagement on social media” —The Guardian
Engagement at last, For they’re having a blast, Young Tay-Tay and Travis, and how! But wait—broken hearts Made her queen of the charts, So what will she sing about now?
“Cracker Barrel has abandoned plans to adopt a new logo following fierce backlash. …[The restaurant chain] received criticism after it unveiled a modern version of its logo which scrapped the ‘Old Timer’figure. President Donald Trump, who was among those slamming the rebrand, applauded the reversal…” —BBC
Uncle Hersch still leans on his barrel, Proud in his old-time cracker apparel: Dungarees and a shirt of flannel, All designed by an admen’s panel. Change that logo? What could be sicker Than booting Hersch from his chair of wicker? Can old Uncle? Gee, what a shocker: President Trump went clean off his rocker! Nah. The company soon saw the moral; Back came Herschel and settled the quarrel, And now he whistles a silent carol, And leans while his fans keep scraping the Barrel.
“Federal health officials have dramatically scaled back a program that has tracked food poisoning infections in the U.S. for three decades.” —The Associated Press
Boy, this decision’s really bad— These folks are frickin’ thick. Their choices often make me mad, But this just makes me sick.
