by Chris O’Carroll
“In the days since… Luigi Mangione was identified and charged in the murder
of the UnitedHealthcare chief executive Brian Thompson, it has been impossible
to escape his photo. . . . Indeed, it didn’t take long for Mr. Mangione to be popularly
christened ‘the hot assassin.'”
—The New York Times
Is it OK to shoot a CEO?
For ordinary-looking people, no.
But if the public finds you buff and hot,
Embrace celebrity and take your shot.
by Steven Kent
“To Show His Health Credentials, Kennedy Ditches His Shirt”
—The New York Times
Bobby, Bobby, he’s our man,
Buffest of his Bay State clan!
Rarely do our Cabinet Secs
Boast a set of sculpted pecs.
Fears no virus, dreads no germ,
Brain half-eaten by a worm—
Sadly (should we cry or laugh?)
Bob retains the lesser half.
by Stephen Gold
“Let inmates help train prison guards, says charity”
—The Times
I was trained by Strangler Boone,
And am proud to say that soon
I was thoroughly conversant with the rules.
Much respected by his peers,
He was serving fifty years,
For garroting Mom and stealing all her jewels.
Mr. Boone explained to me
That he’d like to have a key,
And that nobody above me would object.
I considered his request
And concluded it was best
To comply (a tad unwise in retrospect).
My mistake was brought to light
In the middle of the night,
When a cry went up that, “Strangler isn’t here!”
Mr. Boone had slipped away,
And I’m very sad to say
That along with him departed my career.
I admit I was naive
To provide the means to leave,
And the lesson is, as every warden knows,
When it comes to wily schemes,
All custodial regimes
Must remember that the cons are also pros.
by Bob McKenty
Star of wonder, this December night,
May the way to Bethlehem be shown
By your effervescent, guiding light.
False alarm! (It’s just a Jersey drone.)
by Steven Kent
“‘Mummy would prefer you not to do that’: How ‘no’ became a dirty word in parenting”
—The Guardian
Now, don’t say Mummy isn’t fun,
But some things, darling, just aren’t done.
It’s better, dear, if we should choose
To not steal Conor’s coat and shoes,
And won’t it be so jolly if
We don’t shove Carly off a cliff?
Why, yes, you’d be within your rights
To punch out little Liam’s lights,
Yet doing so would seem ill-bred;
Let’s go for tea and cakes instead.
by Alex Steelsmith
“The Milwaukee Art Museum (MAM) will now be free for kids age 12 and under through an
anonymous gift of $3.54 million. The gift will enable the museum to… fund the admission waiver
in perpetuity. … ‘I’m just beyond words, so deeply grateful, and so excited that this will impact generations
of kids to come… It’s so exciting… the generosity of spirit… is again just such a tremendous gift,’ [said a
museum officer, who also said] describing the gift as ‘transformative’ would be an understatement.”
—ArtNews
Readily, steadily,
MAM’s upper management
praises the donor, and
can’t seem to quit.
Clearly, they’re moved by this
mega-philanthropy
which, like the kids, they will
freely admit.
by Marshall Begel
“Miller High Life releases dive bar perfume…”
—The Independent
One whiff of Miller Beer’s perfume
Returns you to that smoky room,
Where boomers crowd around a booth,
Exchanging stories of their youth—
Of touchdowns scored and passes missed,
The high school crushes almost kissed.
Where scent of beer and cigarette
Can almost make a man forget
The ways in which the future strays
So far away from glory days.
by Paul Lander
Polarization
Merriam-Webster’s top word
Disagree? Fight me.
by Dan Campion
“New neuroscience research upends traditional cognitive models of reading”
—PsyPost
The speech-production area
Engages right away
With “humbug” and “malaria”
And anything we say
On paper page, or post onscreen,
Or scrimshaw on a shell.
So writers, kindly keep it clean.
The brain’s a temple bell.
by Felicia Nimue Ackerman
“‘I’m acutely aware that I’m, you know, could go any day now but I don’t know why
it doesn’t concern me,’ [99-year-old] Van Dyke says. ‘I’m not afraid of it.'”
—The New York Times
I know we’re all supposed to say
We’re not afraid to die.
But when you claim to feel that way,
I want to ask you why.
You think it’s fine to step aside
Because your work is done?
No way I’ll take that as my guide—
I’m having too much fun!
by Gail White
“Collector eats world-famous 6.2 million dollar banana”
—CNN
When I was young, before I knew what art was all about,
I tried to charge a million dollars for a Brussels sprout.
I put it on a pedestal and placed it under glass,
but all the critics told me not to be a silly ass.
I little knew that all the wealth I dreamed of would befall
if only I had duct-taped a banana to the wall.
I could have sold that sucker for 6 million (lucky me!)
to some fat cat whose billions came from cryptocurrency.
And he’d have eaten it before it had a chance to rot,
but I’d have said, “Who cares?” while spending all the dough I’d got!
I’m feeling quite embittered at the way my life turned out…
I might have gone bananas, but I backed a Brussels sprout.
by Dan Campion
“Archaeologists Uncover 60,000-Year-Old Complex Structure Created by Neanderthals”
—SciTechDaily
Oh, how the headline raised my hope
Neanderthals had built
A Parthenon! What depth! What scope!
Why do my spirits wilt?
Sad news. The “structure” underground,
So long detached from view,
Was apt but somewhat less profound:
A pit for making glue.
by Julia Griffin
“Vandals Destroy Ebenezer Scrooge’s Fictional Tombstone Featured in a Film Adaptation of ‘A Christmas Carol’”
—Smithsonian
He saved his curtains; not, alas, his grave,
Now smashed to pieces. What a shock for him!
He’d thought the world embraced him and forgave:
He helped the Cratchits, cherished Tiny Tim,
Showered charity on all, and turkeys too,
Kept Christmas all year round—yet still that huge,
Appalling fear, the unloved tomb, came true.
No friends remain for EBENEZER SCROOGE.
So it appeared. But look again: you’ll find
Full restitution, gratis! It turns out
All that’s required of us is to be kind;
Scrooge learned the lesson, put those ghouls to rout,
And passed it on to us. The harm’s undone;
The name’s made new. God bless us, every one!
by Bruce Bennett
“There’s only so much resistance that Republican senators can muster.
Only so many times that lap dogs this thoroughly muzzled can bark.”
—op-ed in The New York Times
Do not expect a bloodbath.
There won’t be barks and yaps.
These tamed dogs will stay quiet.
Oh, just a few perhaps
May growl a bit or whimper
to show the way they feel,
but they will still stay muzzled
and, when they’re told to, heel.
by Marshall Begel
“Target gives Santa Claus a ‘weirdly hot’ makeover in viral ad”
—The Independent
There’s a rumor that Santa has got a new look
aimed at middle-aged women, attempting to hook
them with various fanciful products (if bought, he
might list them as someone a little bit naughty).
So, whether you’re needing a hand from an elf or
prefer to go solo (a do-it-yourself-er),
New Santa leaves other stores looking diminished
By guiding your efforts until you have finished.
Forget about sugar plums, milk and a cookie—
This year you’ll have visions of Santa Claus nookie.