“A Bagel Shop Closed, and the Upper West Side Is Absolutely Losing It” —The New York Times
Burning planet on the brink, Millions lacking food and drink, Flood and fire and endless war— Lots to be alarmed here for. Still, what leaves us screaming twice is Called by some a First World crisis: Can’t acquire and can’t finagle Absolute, the New York bagel.
Donut? Muffin? Let’s be clear: Nothing else is worth a schmear. Upper West Side, represent— Time to voice our discontent, Draw a line now in the sand, man: This aggression will not stand, man! Angry, surely—got to shout it. Sara Lee? Fugeddaboudit!
“Feeling at home? New app lets US homebuyers see neighbors’ politics” —The Guardian
The couple to our left is to our Right, And now we barely sleep a wink at night. We wonder: are they equally bereft To learn we’re on their right but on their Left?
“Intermittent fasting ‘can make your hair shorter and thinner'” —The Times
In my efforts to get slim, I have found that fasting’s grim, And its side-effects have left me quite appalled. Though I may have shrunk in size, I am speechless with surprise, And cannot believe my eyes—I’m going bald!
I’m follicularly screwed! Pardon me for being rude, But I can’t describe my overwhelming sorrow. It’s so true, as has been said: Choose to spurn your daily bread, And you’ll find that hair today is gone tomorrow.
“A few years ago…, locals fishing Georgia’s Bashplemi Lake in the municipality of Dmanisi came across… a small stone tablet inscribed with dozens of mysterious symbols. Now a team of archaeologists from across Georgia has confirmed the impressions represent samples of a [Bronze Age] script that has never been documented … Roughly the size of an iPad, the basalt tablet features just 39 different characters in 60 inscriptions written left to right across seven lines. … Who crafted the symbols, or why, is open to speculation.” —Science Alert
The tablet of Bashplemi Lake Is declared by the experts no fake, But they cannot yet tell If its content’s a spell Or directions for making a cake.
Or perhaps it’s what comes by default If you press, accidentally, ALT: ═ ╠ ʘ ╪ ╒ ╦ ╟ ╧ ⸨ ↂ ╬ ╩ (To be taken with pinches of Ө).
“A woman’s self-incriminating diary entry helped police arrest her on auto theft charges.” —MSN
As personal diary, I can provide A judgement-free space in which you can confide Embarrassing incidents making you blush, Your troubles in art class, or blossoming crush.
And while you are musing, be sure to report Your major pursuits of the criminal sort, With all of the details you’re able to share, Including the names of the friends who were there.
“Could mouse sperm orbiting Earth be the future of humanity?” —CNN
Some questions just should not be asked. This is, of many, one. I understand a scribe was tasked To make a headline fun, But—due respect to Mickey Mouse, Toward Minnie, sweetly potent— I’d think a Berlioz or Strauss Should donate, not a rodent.
“In the days since… Luigi Mangione was identified and charged in the murder of the UnitedHealthcare chief executive Brian Thompson, it has been impossible to escape his photo. . . . Indeed, it didn’t take long for Mr. Mangione to be popularly christened ‘the hot assassin.'” —The New York Times
Is it OK to shoot a CEO? For ordinary-looking people, no. But if the public finds you buff and hot, Embrace celebrity and take your shot.
“Let inmates help train prison guards, says charity” —The Times
I was trained by Strangler Boone, And am proud to say that soon I was thoroughly conversant with the rules. Much respected by his peers, He was serving fifty years, For garroting Mom and stealing all her jewels.
Mr. Boone explained to me That he’d like to have a key, And that nobody above me would object. I considered his request And concluded it was best To comply (a tad unwise in retrospect).
My mistake was brought to light In the middle of the night, When a cry went up that, “Strangler isn’t here!” Mr. Boone had slipped away, And I’m very sad to say That along with him departed my career.
I admit I was naive To provide the means to leave, And the lesson is, as every warden knows, When it comes to wily schemes, All custodial regimes Must remember that the cons are also pros.
“‘Mummy would prefer you not to do that’: How ‘no’ became a dirty word in parenting” —The Guardian
Now, don’t say Mummy isn’t fun, But some things, darling, just aren’t done. It’s better, dear, if we should choose To not steal Conor’s coat and shoes, And won’t it be so jolly if We don’t shove Carly off a cliff? Why, yes, you’d be within your rights To punch out little Liam’s lights, Yet doing so would seem ill-bred; Let’s go for tea and cakes instead.
“The Milwaukee Art Museum (MAM) will now be free for kids age 12 and under through an anonymous gift of $3.54 million. The gift will enable the museum to… fund the admission waiver in perpetuity. … ‘I’m just beyond words, so deeply grateful, and so excited that this will impact generations of kids to come… It’s so exciting… the generosity of spirit… is again just such a tremendous gift,’ [said a museum officer, who also said] describing the gift as ‘transformative’ would be an understatement.” —ArtNews
Readily, steadily, MAM’s upper management praises the donor, and can’t seem to quit.
Clearly, they’re moved by this mega-philanthropy which, like the kids, they will freely admit.
“Miller High Life releases dive bar perfume…” —The Independent
One whiff of Miller Beer’s perfume Returns you to that smoky room, Where boomers crowd around a booth, Exchanging stories of their youth— Of touchdowns scored and passes missed, The high school crushes almost kissed.
Where scent of beer and cigarette Can almost make a man forget The ways in which the future strays So far away from glory days.
“New neuroscience research upends traditional cognitive models of reading” —PsyPost
The speech-production area Engages right away With “humbug” and “malaria” And anything we say On paper page, or post onscreen, Or scrimshaw on a shell. So writers, kindly keep it clean. The brain’s a temple bell.
